


With Tragic Eyes and Bloodshot Dreams

by SlytherinKilljoy



Series: Is That Me or the Fear Talking? [1]
Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Asano in 3-E, Basically Gakushu being an overachiever for 100k+ words, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Romance, Time Travel Fix-It
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 70,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25850128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinKilljoy/pseuds/SlytherinKilljoy
Summary: Asano Gakushu didn’t know what to expect when he jumped off the bridge. He thought it would all just end. The pain. The sinking feeling of uselessness.The abuse.He did not expect to come face to face with the ghost of the same boy who jumped off this very bridge a decade ago.“Hey, Asano Jr. C‘mon, take a seat. I’ve been waiting for you. Let’s have a chat before I send you back.” A bright faced Ikeda chirps.There’s a pause. He stares. His knees are shaky.“Wait. Send me back?” He feels a pang of fear run through him, “No. Please. Don’t—I can’t go back there—““One year ago. That’s when it all started going downhill, for you, didn’t it? I’m sending you back one year. And maybe you can save more lives than just yours.”Then another voice speaks up, echoing Gakushu’s thoughts, “Ikeda, I’m perfectly fine being dead. I’ve told you there’s no need—“Gakushu turns to see a yellow octopus. The Yellow Octopus. He sinks to his knees.He thought his life was a mess, who knew death was worse?—Gakushu gets a chance to redo the last year of his life. With one simple decision, it leads him on a completely different path. And just maybe, that’s not entirely a bad thing.
Relationships: Akabane Karma/Asano Gakushuu, Asano Gakuhou/Karasuma Tadaomi, Asano Gakushuu & Sakakibara Ren, Kataoka Megu/Kayano Kaede
Series: Is That Me or the Fear Talking? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1920973
Comments: 341
Kudos: 1060
Collections: Asano Gakushuu Centric





	1. Disappointed Faces of Your Peers

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Life of an Asano](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24985834) by [WhatTheFridgeDude](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatTheFridgeDude/pseuds/WhatTheFridgeDude). 



> My fancomic is up!
> 
> [Read Here](https://slashlgbtqwriter.tumblr.com/post/627748653819396096/prologue-for-with-tragic-eyes-and-bloodshot).
> 
> Works Inspired By This One: [ Tribulation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27184480) by Anime_weeb
> 
> Check out my [Twitter](http://https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwjiuOuv6qvuAhUUHM0KHacKAtUQFjABegQIAxAC&url=https%3A%2F%2Ftwitter.com%2FSlytherinkillj_&usg=AOvVaw3-W7w7TZfgy-7Z5MUlgn3E) and my [Tumblr](http://http://slashlgbtqwriter.tumblr.com/)

_Something is not right._

The rest of the Virtuosos stare in horror as their ~~friend~~ leader, Asano Gakushu is backhanded across the face so hard blood splatters onto his shirt.

But he doesn’t cry.

He doesn’t let out a yelp of pain.

He doesn’t even looked shocked.

He just _smiles_ and snarks back to his father.

Just like always. 

Almost like...he’s used to this. 

He was thrown all the way across the room, slammed into the wall, and yet, he tucked his head in to protect his skull and threw his hands out to break his fall. 

Like he’s had practice being thrown across the room. 

When his bleeding head is lifted, he says the words that put the nail in the coffin, “I’m finally seeing you act as a father.”

Those words twist their way into their hearts, tearing them apart. That couldn’t mean what they thought it meant, could it? Is this what the Principal is like as a father? Is this what Asano genuinely thinks a father acts like?

After hastily leaving the room, Ren voices what they’re all thinking, “Gakushuu, does this kind of stuff happen a lot for you? Being hit?”

Asano raises his head. He seems so much less invincible being held up by Ren. It feels like they’re looking at the real him for the first time. His shoulders are narrow and he no longer seems like a giant bestriding then all. He’s only just as tall as the rest of them, if not a bit smaller. 

“Isn’t that normal in strict families?” He says, lavender eyes narrowed with confusion. 

The room seems to freeze for a moment. 

“That’s not normal, Gakushuu.” Ren speaks quietly. The entire moment seems so delicate. The tension is so high, no one wants to make a noise, in fear something might shatter.

“My family isn’t normal,” Asano shrugs. As if he didn’t just admit to being physically abused. As if he didn’t change things for the rest of them, forever.

Ren holds onto him a little tighter.

They get him to the nurse, and while he’s getting patched up, they talk. There’s an air of shame and disappointment. They were his ~~friends~~ classmates, how did they miss this? At last, Ren is the one who suggests that they move on from their failures and try to be there for Gakushu in the future. 

They decide to watch him more closely from now on. 

And they notice. The subtle way he flinches when they raise their hands. The sudden tense in his shoulders and hitch in his breath when someone raises their voice, or when a door is slammed shut.

“Do you hate your father, Asano?” Seo casually asks him one day, as all five of them are studying together. “For the way he’s treating you?”

“No, I would never.” Asano replies, too quickly. His eyes dart up to meet his, “Why would I? He’s my father, and he almost apologized to me for hitting me.”

“Almost apologized?” Ren snaps, setting down his textbook with a bang. Asano recoils. It’s barely noticeable to most people—Asano’s trying his best to restrain the flinch, but once they knew what they were looking for, his friends could see it. It was obvious when you looked him in the eyes, those lavender irises widened with fear. Terror.

Ren’s expression softens, “I’m sorry, didn’t mean to snap at you. But your father owes you a real apology. Not just an almost apology. You can’t tell me you’re actually satisfied with how he’s treating you now, is he?”

Asano doesn’t meet their eyes, “It’s better than before. I’m fine with it.”

They knew that wasn’t true, but they also didn’t want to argue. There was nothing they could do about it, anyways. And besides, it’s better now, isn’t it? The Principal will stop hitting him, he’s changed now, isn’t he? The Virtuosos each delude themselves into thinking that it’s going to be okay. They deny all the signs of turmoil. They ignore the way Asano starts to zone out more and more. His eyes are glazed over, staring into space for long periods of time. He’s slowly slipping away in front of them, but they feel helpless to do anything. 

And they’re busy. They have tests to take and career aptitudes to look into. Besides, Asano is still putting up a brave front in front of everyone else. He smiles, stands up tall, makes his usual encouraging speeches. He tutors and leads as he’s always done. But in the presence of them, he lets down his walls. Only they are close enough to see the concealer around his eyes. The excess amount of caffeine he consumes makes it clear he isn’t sleeping well.

When asked, he claims it’s nothing. He’s fine.

It’s the same old game, and they’re all tired. Ren especially. This is the boy he looked up to for as long as he could remember. The one who looked him in the eyes when they were 6 and told him that he wasn’t an idiot, no matter what everyone said, and to stop acting like one. The one who turned him from a pigtail-pulling bully into someone respectable. Ren had always been attention seeking. He laughed and made fun of people, he had no sense of empathy whatsoever. 

Then came Asano, who shone so bright. Who was the best at everything, and yet looked so fragile. He fought the upperclassmen and defeated them soundly. And yet every fight he walked into, with the entire 1st grade class cheering him on, Ren found himself worrying for Asano. Concerned for him. Hoping he’d win. Asano taught him empathy, in a strange twisted way.

Asano stopped Ren when he went too far. Brought him back. Told him straight up when his jokes weren’t funny, not dancing around the issue. 

And Ren tries to do this with Asano now, but things were different. They weren’t 6 years old anymore. Asano brushes it off whenever Ren tries to talk to him. And it hurts like hell to have him brush it off like that.

So he stops.

Asano distances himself from them, and they let him. Those last two months before graduation are hell. Ren is strangely lonely. He has plenty of other friends, and yet, something feels very wrong. He tries to fill the void the way he always does. Ren finds a new person to date even though he has no interest whatsoever in her. He makes that clear from the start. 

Then, when he thinks things can’t get any worse, they do.

Some strange emotion twists in him as he watches Asano give the graduation speech. From so far behind in the audience, Ren can’t make out the concealer he knows is there. But he can see the bandages. So many different types of bandages. Two butterfly bandaids on his jaw. Tape-bandages wrapping around his neck. Faint purple bruises peak from under his collar.

Yesterday, the truth came out. About the assasination and 3-E and the moon destroying monster. And the Principal lost his job. The Principal has lost everything he’s been working towards for the last decade. No matter how much he’s claimed to have changed in these 2 months, some things take longer than just 60 days to change. The Principal dealt with this loss the same way he deals with all other loss. Lashing out. Someone had to pay the price for it. And that somebody was Asano. Ren tries not to think about how Asano got those injuries. Did his father choke him in his anger? Did he throw him against the kitchen floor the way he was thrown across the classroom? Does he have any other bruises hidden underneath his clothes? Is the cut on his jaw from his father’s knuckles or from the edge of a table.

Asano makes his speech, and everyone claps and cheers. The words are empty to Ren. He hears them, but they’re meaningless. He has no idea what was said at all. Ren watches his best friend step off the stage, and he gets this horrible feeling in his stomach. A feeling that tells him that this is the last time he’s going to see Asano.

That night, he gets a call. 

“Asano?” Ren asks, surprised, “What’s up. It’s been a while, hasn’t it.”

“Yeah. Ren...you’re going to go into law, aren’t you.” He can hear Asano’s voice. Raw, like he’s been crying,

Ren narrows his eyes, “Yes. What about it?”

There’s a pause. He can faintly make out the sound of running water, “Nothing, it’s just, I think you’ll make a great lawyer.”

Ren feels like something is really off with those words.

_Something is not right._

“Asano, where are you right now?”

Asano ignores him. “You can call me Gakushu, you know. You were my friend. My best friend, even if I never admitted it before. I think I’ve always thought of you as my friend, deep down.”

“Gakushu—“ Ren stands up. He does not like the sound of this. His heart clenches. Calling him by his first name is an honor he’d always wanted to have. But not like this, “—Don’t talk like that. Whatever’s wrong, it’ll be okay. We can work something out.”

There is silence. Twisted, painful emotions fill up Ren, and he can’t seem to find the right words. What can he possibly say to stop him? Is he even capable of this?

He knows the answer. No.

When Gakushu Asano sets his mind on something, you cannot stop him. Ever. And Gakushu has been on a collision course to self-destruction right from the start. They’ve known this, somewhere in the back of their minds. That he was never truly meant to be down here on earth with the rest of them. 

“Goodbye Ren. Thank you. For everything.” Gakushu lets out a choked sob, “And I’m so sorry.” 

The call cuts off.

And Ren _shatters_. 


	2. Continuation

Asano feels detached. The moment he steps off the bridge, everything around him falls away. His body, his mind, the pain.

Everything falls away.

Along with him.

Part of him remembers the moment of impact. The suffocating, the water filling up his lungs.

But it seems so distant. Like it happened to someone else.

All he knows is that he opens his eyes, and the orange sunset casts down at him.

He’s back on the bridge. And it’s empty, except for one lone figure leaning against the railing.

Gakushu immediately takes in the other person. It’s a habit for him. A product of both his hyper-vigilance and his father’s teachings. Size them up, see if they're a threat. How much muscle, how tall, what’s their facial expression—-But when the figure turns, he freezes. His entire brain seizes to a stop.

It’s face he’s seen in a frame on his father’s desk.

Rikuto Ikeda.

————

Asano Gakushu didn’t know what to expect when he jumped off the bridge. He thought it would all just end. The pain, the hurt. The sinking feeling of uselessness.

The abuse.

He did not expect to come face to face with the ghost of the same boy who jumped off this very bridge a decade ago.

“Hey, Asano Jr. Come on, take a seat. I’ve been waiting for you. Let’s have a chat before I send you back.” A bright faced Ikeda chirps.

Gakushu stares for a long time. This is absurd. Unreal. Is he really dead or just dreaming? Or are they the same thing? His mind is still for several moments. So it takes a while for him to comprehend the words. 

When it does, he turns cold. Terror runs through his veins. His knees are shaky.

“Wait. Send me back?” Gakushu feels another pang of fear run through him, “No. Please. Don’t—I can’t go back there—“

“One year ago. That’s when it all started going downhill, for you, didn’t it? I’m sending you back one year. And maybe you can save more lives than just yours.”

Then another voice speaks up, echoing Gakushu’s thoughts entirely, “Ikeda, I’m perfectly happy being dead. I’ve told you there’s no need—“

Gakushu turns to see a yellow octopus. The Yellow Octopus. His mind can’t take it anymore, and his legs give out. He sinks to his knees.

“Someone tell me. What the hell is going on?”

—————————-

After a brief introduction from the yellow octopus—Korosensei, the octopus man—explains his history as an assassin. Explains the experiments, the moon, and teaching. Everything makes his head spin. Finally, after a few sorrowful words, the man leaves.

Leaving only the two of them left on the bridge. And then, Ikeda explains himself.

“Do you believe in gods, Gakushu?” Ikeda stares off into the waters.

Gakushu raises an eyebrow, “No.” Then his eyes go wide, “Hold up. You’re a god?”

“What? Hell no.” Ikeda snorts, “Me? As a god. That would be a disaster.” The older teen takes a moment to pull himself together, “No. I’m just a powerful spirit. I’m attached to this bridge.”

Gakushu stares at the bridge. It was rather narrow, with a small road and green, thin railings. Nothing special. But a lot of people have jumped from it.

“Do all bridges have spirits or something?” Gakushu asked, confused. What in the world was going on?

“Maybe? I know as much as you do, since I can’t leave this bridge. I just know that this bridge in particular grants me powers sometimes. God-Like powers.”

“Powers to let you send people into the past.” Gakushu states more than asks.

“Yes. That’s one of them.” Ikeda turns to face him. His expression is strangely solemn. It doesn’t look right on the usually cheerful boy. “I can see all possible paths of the lives of those with their fates intertwined with this bridge.”

“Repeat that again?” Gakushu feels numb. Like the words have passed through his ears but he can’t quite understand them. Doesn’t want to understand them.

“I can see all possible paths your life could have taken, since your fate is intertwined with this bridge. Ever since I leaped, your father changed, leading you to come here. But this suicide wasn’t the only possible path your life could have taken.”

“What the fuck?” Gakushu snaps. He couldn’t believe this. His suicide couldn’t have been avoided no matter what. There was nothing that would have stopped him. No one who could have saved him. How dare Ikeda imply that he didn’t need to suffer the way he did. Doesn’t want this stupid spirit to talk about possibly life paths so casually, like all he did was for nothing, “You know what, I don’t want to hear this. I’m tired, I’m dead, just let me go to rest.”

“Gakushu, there are outcomes where you don’t die—“

“I don’t want to go back. I don’t care about my own life.” He snarls. Why doesn’t this spirit get the fucking hint?

“But the life of your father? Are you interested in the possible universe where your father chose to act differently?”

Gakushu freezes. His breath hitches.

“I thought so. In another parallel universe, your father wouldn’t have lashed out at you when he lost his job. You wouldn’t have committed suicide. In that universe, you are still alive.”

Gakushu stares out into the lake.

“I didn’t commit suicide just because of my father.” He couldn’t comprehend most of what happened, but refuses to give his father that much power over him.

“Are you sure about that?”

Gakushu’s anger grows. “Why does this matter? Do we have to talk about this? Can’t I just move on?”

Ikeda meets his eyes. His voice is solemn, “If you don’t go back, your father is going to commit suicide too.”

“No—“ Gakushu closes his eyes, refusing to listen. This can’t be real.

“He has a gun in his office.”

“Shut up—“ he puts his hands over his ears.

“When he hears the news about you—“

“I am not responsible for his death.” Gakushu hisses. His entire body feels like it’s burning. He hates this. Why does he still have to suffer, even after he’s dead. Why does this have to happen to him.

“You still love your father, Gakushu.” Ikeda says softly. Gakushu rubs away the tears starting to form in his eyes, “You still want his love. Even now. Does it make you happy that he’s finally showing you his love, after you die?”

“It makes me fucking pissed.” Gakushu feels his fingers shake, “He doesn’t get to act all sad and suicidal over me dying when it’s his fucking fault. Why couldn’t he love me back when I was alive. How hard would it have been to talk to me. To ask me about my day. To not shove me to the floor when I tried to hug him—“

His voice breaks. He feels himself tremble, his tears finally falling.

“I thought you said you didn’t commit suicide because of your father?” His voice is dry, yet knowing.

Gakushu gasps out, “Fucking fine. I’ll admit it. It’s him. It’s always him. Everything I’ve ever done was for him. Why can’t he see that?”

“Then do it for him. Go back, Gakushu. If you won’t go back for yourself, at least save your father. And at least try to save Korosensei.”

There’s silence, and Gakushu leans his forehead against the cool metal railing of the bridge. The water below churns and crashes against the rocks. Like his emotions crashing against the fragility that is his body. He pictures his body, having hit the water. High enough that his neck had snapped on impact.

He pictures his father’s body. Dead, and lifeless.

Gakushu’s breath catches.

He stands up on shaky knees. He’s tired. He deserves an end to his miserable existence. He doesn’t want to do this anymore. But he remembers one of the earliest memories of his father, with him at 4 years old, just a week before Ikeda jumped.

His father was teaching him to do tricks with his soccer ball. It was warm, and the sun was in their eyes, making his father’s hair glow golden.

_“Come on, Shuu, kick the ball at me. Twist your legs upwards, like I showed you.”_

_A four year old Gakushu narrows his eyes, “But if I kick it that hard will you be able to catch it?”_

_“I’ll always be able to catch it. After all, if I can’t catch a ball, how will I be able to catch you if you fall?”_

_“Hey.” Gakushu whines, “I’m not stupid. I’ll never fall.”_

_“Sure thing, Shuu. But you can’t learn if you’re afraid to fall. So it’s ok, if you fall, I’ll catch you. Always.”_

_Gakushu smiles. Then he kicks the ball so hard it makes a noise as it cuts through the air. His father catches it. With one hand._

_“See. I told you.”_

Gakushu remembers the day he was called into his father's office earlier this year. When he kicked the soccer ball back in his father’s face. Just like he’d done 10 years ago. His father caught it one handedly. The way he always did.

It filled him with hope, momentarily.

He remembers looking into his father’s eyes, searching for any sign of love. Did he understand what Gakushu meant by kicking the ball in his face?

I’m falling. Catch me.

And there was something. There was nostalgia in his father’s eyes. A sense of pain, and remembrance. He hadn’t said anything, but that entire week, his father had seemed a little warmer towards him. A little gentler in his insults.

Of course, then the next shenanigan with E class occurred, and any niceties from his father disappeared.

But there was hope. There was something. So despite the turmoil in his chest and the emotions that threatened to bury him, Gakushu really had no choice. He’d always been too willing to do anything for his father. Even death couldn’t change that.

So Gakushu steels himself. He doesn’t want to do this. He’s so, so tired. He’s very confused over what’s going on and he doesn’t like it. But he’s been so very selfish this year, and there’s a part of him that feels guilty. A part of him that wants to be better, to save people.

So Gakushu takes a deep breath and wipes away the tears, and speaks the words that are probably going to turn out to be a big mistake. The worst ones of his life. His voice is shaky, as insecure as he’s ever sounded. But he’s talking to a fucking spirit of a fucking dead boy who his father loves more than him. He’s practically a brother to him. If he can’t let himself be vulnerable in front of him, then he can’t be vulnerable with anyone else. So he speaks.

“Send me back.”


	3. Running From Change, I’m Looking For Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gakushu struggles to get used to being in the past. Gakuhou is trying. Ren is concerned, and E Class is surprised.

Gakushu wakes up in his bed, and doesn’t feel much of anything at all. He knows he should feel something, after all, he just died, met Ikeda and a Yellow Octopus, and came back to life in an astonishing feat of time travelling.

But there’s nothing. He feels exhausted, yet numb at the same time.

He looks in the mirror, and is vaguely annoyed that he doesn’t look like he should. His eyes are too bright and his face isn’t as sickly as it should be. The bags under his eyes are gone. He’s about a centimeter or two shorter.

He takes a deep breath. He feels like he’s in shock. This doesn’t quite seem real. 

It’s like a dream; a haze he’s floating through. It reminds him of his last few days alive, when pain and distress mixed together, painting reality grey and bland.

So he gets up, goes through the painful motions of existing.

School. He needs to go to school. He quietly climbs down the stairs, skipping breakfast to avoid his father. 

He’s unable to stomach the thought of facing his father right now. Not after everything that’s changed.

Instead, he heads straight to school.

Redoing his 3rd year. This was going to be hell.

Seeing Kunigigoaka after graduating already was a bit strange. Seeing the wrong weather, the wrong time, is all very, very mind-baffling.

But the painted watercolor grey haze surrounding his thoughts keeps him numb. Keeps in the true confusion and frustration and pain—-

He smiles at the students, greets the underclassmen. He helps kids to their classes on the first day. He chats about who knows what, but they’re all smiling and laughing, so he must be doing something right. He fakes his way through home room.

Entering the classroom that already has so many bad memories associated to it nearly breaks the painted grey haze. But he bites his lip and ignores it.

He walks around the classroom, touching base with all of his classmates, and he tries not to make it seem like he knows more about them than he should.

Then Ren walks in. And Gakushu freezes.

The grey paint chips, and Gakushu feels his eyes water as the pain in his chest stabs him.

He’d hung up on his Ren in what seemed like mere minutes before. Just told him to call him by his first name, told him he was his best friend. He’d said his last goodbyes.

Now Ren was here again. Smiling widely, his eyes all youthful. With none of the heaviness weighing them down like they had started to last semester.

In fact, this whole class seemed different. Wilder. Brighter. Compared to how subdued everyone was after the whole exams fiasco. After 3-E so soundly crushed them, the weren’t the same. Gakushu hadn’t been the only one to fall into depression.

He’s forced out of his musing as Ren gets closer.

“Hey Asano. There you are. I’ve missed you. We haven’t talked in like 5 days.” Ren throws an arm around him, but Gakushu sees it coming and has enough time to mentally prepare himself—to force himself not to flinch.

The one armed hug is uncomfortable at first, but after a while, it starts to feel—nice. Warm.

He almost wants to protest when Ren takes it away. Gakushu hates how touch starved he is. He knows the science—physical contact is important to mental health. But even when he was spiraling, he’d always been too stubborn to ask for hugs from friends. And his father—he’s not going to think about the last time he tried to hug the man.

“Five days is hardly that long of a time,” Gakushu deadpans, hiding a smile. After avoiding Ren for months now, it’s funny to remember the time when being apart from each other for 5 days was a long time for them. The memory of future-Ren makes his chest pang, “And call me Gakushu.”

“What?” Ren stares at him, “Wait, seriously? I can call you by your name?”

Ren throws both his arms over Gakushu, not caring about all the looks they were getting, “Finally! It’s only been 8 years, Gakushu.”

9 years, for him.

Gakushu closes his eyes, and takes in the warmth from the hug. Holds the moment close to him. And then gently peels himself away.

“I might as well try to be different this year.” He says to himself more than to Ren. The other boy looks at him with a thoughtful expression.

Class starts, and Gakushu is bored. Not a surprise, learning geometry was annoying enough the first time. But having to take notes on a subject he’s already mastered is tedious.

After the first two class periods, they are assigned reading for English. It’s for a Cask of Amontillado, a story he’s already dissected and analyzed a long time ago. He pretends to read, but his mind starts to drift. The grey haze shifts, twists, and thoughts start spiraling through it.

He starts to think about everything that’s happened. All the failure he’s suffered, every cruel word his father spoke into his ear. His heart starts racing and he tries to stop it. To push away the memories. But he can feel his father’s hands as they curl around his neck. Hear the crash as he goes flying into the dinner table.

He stands up, abruptly. He swings his backpack over his shoulder. The class is startled, but he doesn’t see them. He can barely hear them as he leaves the class.  
Everything is loud in his head, all his memories clouding his reality.

His breaths are coming out in short gasps. He keeps walking. His feet stop hitting cement and start stepping over twigs and gently gliding over leaves. He’s vaguely aware that he’s in the forest now, the one by the hill where E-class was. His footsteps are quiet, he knows even in the midst of this breakdown, he can never break his unconscious habit of treading silently.

He leans against the tree stump and tries to pull himself together. Shut the flashbacks out. His nails dig into his arms, the pain making his eyes water.

The dissociative haze is gone all together, now he’s facing reality. 

He just died, and was given a second chance at life. There should be a list of things he should be doing, disasters that could be stopped and yet, he has to sit in class and analyze a Cask of Amontillado.

He’s tired. If being sent back in time was supposed to make his mindset any better, it wasn’t working. He still wants death. He wants relief.

Because even though he was in the past, the memories of the future still haunt him.

He stays against the tree stump for who knows how long. Just thinking.

You can think for hours when you’re this messed up. The same thoughts cycling over and over again, but hurting just the same each time.

By the time he manages to get himself to stand up, the sun is already overhead, beating down at him through the shade of the trees.

He pulls out his phone with shaky fingers. 2:34 pm. School’s about to get out. He skipped the entire day of school. On the first day, nonetheless.

Gakushu laughs, a short, bitter laugh. He’s becoming a delinquent. Off to a great start, for sure.

Then his laughter cuts off abruptly.

He’s going to have to face his father when he gets home today.

Gakushu curses, and is too weak to suppress the tremor that runs through him at the thought.

His father can’t hurt him any worse than he already has, Gakushu reminds himself. Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t make him feel any better at all.  
——————-

Entering the house, Gakushu carefully removes his shoes, places them neatly, completely straight. The house is surprisingly normal looking, and yet it feels like it’s choking him just by him living in it. Unlike Ren, none of Gakushu’s accomplishments are hung up proudly in this house. All of his trophies and medals are shoved in a box in his basement. National level certificates are carelessly tossed in a cheap paper folder.

Because winning was nothing special for him—it was just expected.

“Where were you?” Asano Gakuhou asks him, setting down his teacup with a sharp clang. Gakushu flinches before he can catch himself. Looking at his father again...it’s just too much.

“Nowhere.” Gakushu’s voice comes out strong, and he forces his expression to be neutral. Hide the pain inside, like he always does.

“You skipped school. What are you playing at? Some sort of rebellious phase?” His father’s face twists with disdain. The man takes a step closer to him.

Gakushu resists the urge to take a step away. Stay strong. Don’t show weakness.

“School was useless. I could probably teach the whole class myself and do it better than the teacher—“

Smack!

Gakushu saw the blow coming, but while he would have dodged anyone else, he’s never been able to dodge his father. His limbs always lock up, and his mind goes still.

The hit was relatively mild. Only hitting the side of his jaw. Would probably leave a small bruise but nothing serious.

“Don’t act so arrogant. It’s not a good look on you.” His father leans forwards, and slams his hand against the wall by the side of Gakushu’s head. It makes him recoil. The terror coiling through him was worse than being hit. It made no sense, but at least the pain of being hit was physical. This slamming, flinching, and threatening tore him apart from the inside. Gakushu struggles to keep his breath steady.

“You are nowhere near the level of being on top. Keep this up, and you’ll end up nothing but my corporate slave.”

The words are spoken lightly, jokingly.

And while Gakushu has a retort on the tip of his tongue, he can’t bring himself to say it.

Corporate slave.

The words make him sick.

“Just let me be.” He says instead, “ As long as I’m getting good grades, why does it matter if I show up in class or not?” After all, his father did tell him to go home those weeks spent preparing for the final.

“You are a reflection of my education system. You’re held up on a pedestal, my example. We can’t have our prime example be skipping out on class, now can we?”

His father’s aura turns threatening, choking and draining every last bit of fire out of him.

Gakushu can’t stop himself from trembling.

“Now, go do your homework. Dinner’s at 6.” At the clear dismissal, Gakushu leaves the living room, relieved to be out of the man’s sight.

Skipping class was clearly no longer an option, but Gakushu didn’t know how he was going to get through several more days of class. It was exhausting, and the material was just so boring.

He would find a way though. He was an Asano. Twisting the rules has been his speciality.

—————-

Gakushu shows up in class the next day and has to endure the whispers of his classmates.

“Asano skipped class?”

“Is he becoming rebellious?”

“It’s kinda hot, to be honest.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of cool.”

It’s interesting that he’s actually become more popular now that he’s slipped up. Now that he’s let his mask crack. They have no idea, though. They can’t see past the makeup. He wonders what they would think if they knew. If he stopped hiding the bruises, stopped putting up an act.

Ren, Seo, and the others question him, but Gakushu deflects the questions. Ren looks a little concerned for him. Which he should have guessed. His friend had always been kind of dense, but not completely clueless.

When class starts, Gakushu quietly works on coursework from a year ahead. He pretends to take notes while solving completely different problems. It’s a bit better. It stimulates his mind enough to keep him from spiraling.

Several days pass in the same manner, with Gakushu pretending and smiling, conducting club duties the same way as always. Except this time, people look at him a bit differently.

When he’s tutoring people, he finds himself being less...professional. He makes sarcastic quips, to the surprise of many. He uses analogies with pop culture references. The first time he did that, the boy he was tutoring couldn’t stop laughing for the rest of the session. But it helped the boy learn. He finally learnt the topic he was struggling on, and it makes Gakushu strangely happy.

During the soccer practices, he finds himself not being as brutal on the field. Rather, he tries to help his teammates out. He leads them to success rather than forcing them to it.

He’s different now, from a year ago. He’s learnt so many lessons from so many failures. He didn’t realize how much he was doing wrong until he unconsciously started changing his ways.

Of course, his father starts getting upset at him more for this. He’s undermining his father’s educational philosophy. His precious educational philosophy that he cares about more than his own son.

One day, after it gets out that Gakushu had spent 3 entire afternoons tutoring a D class girl while neglecting the rest of the students, his father is furious. The D class girl, Tsuchiya, was in danger of dropping to E class, and while before, he might have just pointed out her weak areas and assigned her worksheets to do, this time, something was different. He looked in her eyes and saw the same desperation reflected back in them that he had the entire last year.

For whatever reason, Tsuchiya could not fail.

So Gakushu sat down with her, gave her his softest smiles and got her to study. He showed her better study methods, timed her on math problems, and didn’t let her get down at her mistakes. She passed the next test with flying colors and was no longer in danger of dropping.

But now he has to pay the consequences.

“I’m removing you from your position as Student Council president.”

Gakushu’s eyes widen in dismay, “What? You can’t do that to me, Mr. Principal. I worked so hard for that position. You know there’s no one better than me to lead them—“

“I think you’re starting to forget your place, Asano-kun.” His father smiles, but it’s empty, “You think you’re irreplaceable, special. But you’re not. You used to be my perfect model, so I’ve kept you, but I can easily train another student to take your role.”

Train another student to take your role.

Ikeda said that his father takes his own life after Gakushu takes his. But was that really true? Gakushu trusts Ikeda, strangely enough, and doesn’t think he was lying.

Then how can his father just say that so casually? Does he not realize what effect his words have on him?

Most likely. His father doesn’t really see him, does he? Doesn’t see the way he’s suffocating. The way he’s slowly slipping away.

If he does, there’s no way he could say those words so casually.

But what if he does know? Does he know and just not care?

Gakushu needs to know. He might regret asking this, but he can’t help himself.

“If I were to kill myself then, would you even care?”

His father freezes. His eyes are wide with surprise.

And pain. His expression is one of anguish.

Gakushu closes his eyes. So that’s a yes. He does care.

If he really didn’t care, it would be easier. If his father could just find another student, maybe adopt if he really wanted a son, or just move on, then Gakushu could leave this world without guilt.

But his father cares, and Gakushu can never stop the part of him that is willing to go through hell just for his father’s approval.

“Gakushu—“ his father starts. All of a sudden, Gakushu is filled with fear. Because even if his father cares for him deep down, he never admits it in words. He doesn’t think he can take another rejection.

“No. Nevermind. Don’t tell me.” Gakushu turns away, “I’m afraid to know the truth.”

He walks out of the office. And keeps walking. He doesn’t stop until he bumps into a few of the underclassmen, who stop him and ask him if he’s alright. He just offers them a shaky smile and keeps going.

He doesn’t answer the question.

—————-

At home that night, his father actually talks to him over dinner. It’s nothing too personal, just questions about how his soccer team is coming together, and if the new freshman are any good at basketball.

Gakushu feels ashamed about how he actually enjoys the conversation. He hates how desperate for his father’s attention he is. He’s mad at him, of course. Gakushu will never forgive him for making so afraid. For making him flinch and panic.

But he loves him. Even though he shouldn’t.

At the end of the meal, his father eyes him carefully. And yet, he doesn’t look like he’s really seeing him. His father is seeing right through him, as usual.

“Are you alright, Asano-kun?”

Gakushu tenses. “Why do you care now? After everything you’ve done to me?”

“I’ve always cared for you.”

Gakushu’s hands tremble. He tightens his grip around his water glass.

“No. You don’t get to tell me that. You care about your stupid educational philosophy more than you care about me.” He spits out.

His father looks affronted for a moment. Gakushu freezes, fear taking over him. Then his father regains his cool composure, “But my philosophy has worked. It’s made you stronger—“

Gakushu snaps. He sets the glass down, hard.

It shatters.

The glass shards tear into his skin, and pain radiates up his wrist.

His father stands up, taking a step closer to him.

Gakushu snarls, and jumps back, “Don’t come near me.”

His father looks so hurt by Gakushu backing away from him even with blood gushing from his hand. He ignores the pang in his chest. It’s his father’s fault that Gakushu is afraid of being around the man when he’s injured and vulnerable.

“You taught me to be strong, haven’t you? Then I don’t need your help.”

Gakushu turns his back on his father, already planning on how he’s going to remove the shards of glass from the bloody cuts.

Let the man figure out for himself that sometimes, letting yourself be weak is more important than being strong.

(It’s a fairly accurate analogy, really. Being weak means letting someone else help get glass shards out of your skin while being strong means letting the glass stay under your skin.)

———-  
Gakushu hopes things would change. Of course, lucky him, things stay the same. The next morning, their breakfast is silent as ever. With occasional discussions on politics and the state of the economy, but nothing personal. Nothing about the redness in his father’s eyes or the bandages on Gakushu’s right hand. His father does tell him that he can keep his Student Council position for now. As long as he doesn’t act out again.

It makes him relieved, yet bitter. His father’s taking two steps forward, yet one step backwards. At this point, he doesn’t even know if their relationship this time around is better or worse than before.

School drags by in the same way. He can barely hold a pencil through the pain in his hand, so he doesn’t bother trying to take notes. Ren offers to take them for him. He’s already deflected the questions about his injury, in the same way he did his walking out of the middle of class on the first day. He can feel their relationship grow slightly strained, despite them growing closer.

“Did your father, you know—hurt you.” Ren asks him quietly, when they’re alone, cleaning up the class after school.

Gakushu shakes his head, “No, I did this to myself.”

He doesn’t realize how bad that sounds until Ren stops walking.

“By accident,” he quickly adds on. Ren doesn’t look convinced.

“I don’t know if I can trust you. You’ve been acting weird lately, Gakushu.”

“What, I can’t try to be a decent person without seeming suspicious?”

“No—that’s not it. You’re acting a little nicer, sure, but...you seem so tired.”

“I’m just staying up late—“

“Like, emotionally exhausted.” Ren shifts his weight awkwardly, “You can talk to me, if you want. I know I seem kind of an airhead, but I’m a good listener.”

“Yes. You are.” Gakushu sighs. How much can he tell him without making him worry? There’s really nothing to say.

Nothing to say at all.

———

The next few days pass by, and it’s time for the school assembly.

Gakushu never liked going to these himself. He’d always found them far too loud and pointless. But it always put his father in a good mood to see 3-E crushed. Somewhere along the line, he’d started wanting 3-E to be crushed as well. He didn’t snap out of it until his father hospitalized the exchange students.

That was when he realized that his father didn’t just want to crush 3-E, he wanted to crush anyone and everyone who got in his way.

And if he kept following his father’s ways, he would end up doing the same.

Gakushu winces as he steps into the crowded assembly hall. He’s used to all the faces looking up to him, but every single student in the school in here is just too much, even for him. Every time he hears someone shout, he has to repress the urge to jump.

Luckily, the assembly starts soon. There’s a bit of commotion on the right side of the room, mostly because of the attractive teachers. Gakushu rolls his eyes. Teachers are supposed to be here to teach. Attractive ones are only a distraction with all these hormonal teenagers.

Gakushu knew ever since his last year of elementary school that girls were of no interest to him. Boys were...well, they were attractive, for sure, but he had no time for relationships anyways, so he never entertained the option. And queer relationships in Japan were not very well accepted.

He knows that all too well, with everything that happened to him in his 1st year at Kunugigaoka.

The assistant Principal gets up to give a speech. It’s the usual one, bashing E class. The entire assembly turns to laugh at the E class students. Gakushu tenses. He’s not laughing. He never laughed at them, even the first time around.

Gakushu heads up to go backstage and direct the student council to make their presentation. He isn’t directly in charge of this part, he delegated the responsibility to several other members, but he should still be back here to make sure things go smoothly. He distinctly remembers that last year, he wasn’t onstage. He had stayed back and made the rest of them do the work.

This time, though, he doesn’t mind the extra work. Especially when he knows being a part of the student council is a privilege that can be taken away at any moment.

The printouts are handed out, and Teppei is about to start the speech when he hears a shout from his right side, “Excuse me! Class E hasn’t gotten theirs yet.”

Oh. Right. Gakushu almost forgot about this happening the first time around too.

“Hm, you haven't? How strange?” Teppei muses, smirking.

Gakushu looks at the devastated expressions of 3-E, at the way the entire school laughs at them, telling them to put it to memory.

He knows this is going to get him in trouble. He shouldn’t do this. But he makes the decision, right then, that he can’t let this go on. Especially knowing now that these 3-E kids are already have the weight of the whole world on their shoulders.

“Really, everyone? You’re just wasting time with this unnecessary discrimination.” Gakushu says, loudly.

The entire hall goes dead silent. Some of the teachers shift uncomfortably.

Gakushu ignores the anxiety in his stomach as he descends from the stage. Gakushu walks down to where Isogai stands, “Here, take my paper for now. I have all this information backed on my laptop. I’ll send the digital version to the rest of the class through email.”

Isogai stares at him, surprised. “That’s really nice of you, Asano-kun. Thank you.”

Gakushu smiles amiably, “Think nothing of it. It’s just my duty as your President.”

He goes back onstage.

“Please continue.”

The rest of the presentation goes on without a hitch, but Gakushu isn’t ignorant to the way the entire school seems to be staring at him. It’s not unusual for him, but it’s clear that no one is actually paying attention to the student council presentation. Everyone is whispering, turning around to the people behind them.

When the assembly is over and his father calls him into his office, he isn’t surprised in the slightest.

“Asano-kun.” His father greets him coldly. “Care to explain what that was down there?”

“Oh that?” Gakushu uses his most innocent voice, “3-E didn’t get any flyers, so I gave them mine.”

“Don’t play the fool. You deliberately undermined my educational philosophy. You know 3-E needs to be on the bottom.”

“They were being discriminated against. Bullied.” Gakushu stresses the word. But his father doesn’t falter.

“If that’s what’s necessary to make them stronger, then so be it.”

Gakushu feels a flash of sudden anger pass through him. Necessary? His father thought bullying was necessary? Is he even hearing himself?

Gakushu is reminded of the cheerful boy on the bridge—

“So you want other kids to be bullied to the point of suicide?” He says, coldly, “Do you think that’s what Ikeda wants you to do—“

His father raises his fist, and Gakushu tenses.

Then his father drops the fist.

His hand is shaking.

For a long minute, tense silence stretches between them.

Then his father sits back down. Gakushu doesn’t relax yet though. 

He knows his father has something up his sleeve still.

“I’m dropping you to E class.”

———-

Gakushu stares. He did not see that coming.

“What?”

“You’ve always wanted to know the secret of E class, haven’t you? Well, now you get to know it, because you’re joining them.” His father speaks calmly, but Gakushu can see some apprehension in the way his shoulders tense. Good. Because this isn’t something that the two of them should ever talk about calmly.

Gakushu has nothing against E Class. Really, he doesn’t. But to his father, who designed them to be the weak ones, the ones looked down on, below the rest of them—for his father to send him there, just what does he think of Gakushu?

“Don’t take it personally.” His father says, unironically. “The rest of your classmates are going to continue misbehaving if they start to see the student council president act in such a way. Punishing you will serve as a reminder for them to stay in line.”

No. He couldn’t do this. This was the class Gakushu had been with ever since they were freshman, just 12. This was the class he knew so well.  
He couldn’t leave them.

No.

His father took everything away from him, and he knew it. His sports, his tutoring position, his title as president, his friends. Everything.

All for bringing up Ikeda.

But at least he didn’t hit you this time, a traitorous voice speaks up in him. He clearly wanted to, but restrained himself.

That still doesn’t make any of this better. Gakushu blinks away tears.

“And, Asano-kun,” his father calls out before he leaves. His expression is strangely conflicted, “If anyone bullies you too badly for this, you can tell me, alright?”

Gakushu laughs bitterly, “I think I’d rather _die_.”

The way his father flinches isn’t nearly as satisfying as he thought it would be.


	4. Fear it, Don't Be Rude, Something New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gakushu reminisces, is introduced to his new classmates. His new teachers are dangerous, especially the Yellow Octopus™  
> He gets some advice for the midterms, rethinks his definition of failure. The Dangerous Blonde teacher acts very unprofessionally, and he trips Terasaka. Oh, and the violent redhead and that nice blue-haired boy both want to be his friend. He confronts the Virtuosos too. 
> 
> It’s a long first day.

One of his earliest memories is of himself at four years old, sitting outside the old campus. That was back when he was allowed to do child like things. Reading books and playing puzzles. He used to play basketball with Ikeda up there. 

He can’t believe it’s been 10 years.

As a child, he got to explore the depths of the mountain and forest under his father’s careful eyes. Those were nice times. He still remembers the smiles, the soft feeling of holding his father’s hand when he stumbled over a root.

His father was always there for him, helping Gakushu climb his first tree. Gakushu had never been afraid of falling when his father was with him.

But then Ikeda died. His father changed.

Gakushu stopped coming up the mountain. His father refused to ever mention the place again. 

His father snapped at him whenever he asked why they couldn’t go up to the hill.

(Gakushu learned the hard way to stop bringing it up.)

By the time he was 6, he had to start school along with a very rigorous schedule of extracurriculars. After that, he very rarely had time to head up to the mountain.

But even though it’s been a few years, and he’s a bit rusty, Gakushu’s hands still know how to move through the mountain. He knows the fastest route to the building and the best branches to grip.

He tightens the strap on his school bag and leaps, grabbing onto the next branch, pulling himself up. He can see the building from a distance. Gakushu smiles bitterly when he notes that basketball hoop is still here.

A few minutes later, he lands silently on the top of the mountain. His hair is in disarray from the wind, and his uniform is slightly askew. He doesn’t bother fixing it, though. His eyes are locked on the building. 

He’s seen it over and over again whenever he walks to school, and yet, it’s different up close. This was basically where he grew up. It was more of his home than the house they live in now. This place was only associated with fond memories, no matter how faded and old those memories were.

His father often brought him to work while he taught, ever since he was old enough to walk. He’s been here as a toddler, looking out of the window. He remembers himself as a child, dribbling a soccer ball down the front here. 

So many memories.

It’s almost sad that he has to ruin those perfect days by showing up here again. He feels like he’s tainting his childhood just by being here, spreading his darkness over the perfection that once was. 

He snaps out of his musing.

“Asano-kun?” Gakushu turns, to see a group of 3-E students towards the entrance staring at him. Akabane is the one who speaks, “What’s a bore like you doing up here?”

“Just enjoying the view,” Gakushu’s voice drips with sarcasm. He rolls his eyes, “What do you think I’m doing up here, genius?”

Then he walks right into the building after them.

* * *

“No _way_.”

“ _He’s_ the new student we’ve been warned about?”

“The _principal’s_ son?”

“Student Council _President_?”

“Wait. Does that mean he’s going to be an assassin?”

There’s a sudden silence. 

“We’re screwed.”

* * *

Gakushu ignores the whispering as he introduces himself to the teachers in the staff room. Karasuma and Jelavic-sensei—as they introduce themselves, look mildly confused by him being here.

“Believe me, I’m just as confused as you are as to why I’m here.” He states dryly.

“Well,” Karasuma-sensei clears his throat, “I’m sure the Principal has briefed you on what you’re doing here.”

The man tosses him a green knife. Gakushu grabs it in one swift motion, flipping it so it’s in a casual grip. Gakushu feels the material. It’s a strange texture. Must be specially designed to take down Koro-sensei. He gives it an experimental slash, trying to see how well it cuts through the wind. 

“We’ve already started training on assassination fundamentals, but I have a feeling you won’t be behind at all.” Karasuma-sensei eyes his knife wielding hand. Oh right. Gakushu figures that most middle schoolers don’t automatically grip a knife in perfect hand—finger position. But he’s used to it. You’d think people would stop getting surprised every time he presents a new skill, after he’s made it clear that he’s talented at nearly everything.

But these people don’t know him. They’re new to the school. They have no idea who he was or what he’s supposed to be. 

No idea that he’s anything other than a normal middle school student. 

“I’ll do my best to keep up.” Gakushu bows to both teachers, “See you later, Karasuma-sensei, Jelavic-sensei.”

“Aww, you’re a nice one, aren’t you?” Jelavic-sensei drawls, smiling flirtatiously, “No one else here calls me by my name.”

Gakushu blinks. He doesn’t really know what to do with that. He can definitely sense danger from both these teachers. Karasuma-sensei is clearly well trained. But Jelavic-sensei is really who puts him on edge. She’s powerful, but hides it far too well behind a flirtatious personality. 

Gakuhou has to force himself to turn his back to the teachers when he exits the staff room. He hates turning his back to people he knows are more powerful than him. But he doesn’t want them to question why a middle school student is this distrustful, this hypervigilant.

He takes a deep breath, standing before the entrance to the classroom. He doesn’t want to be here, but he needs to stay positive. Think of this as a fresh start, he reminds himself. And maybe he can help save Koro-sensei’s life, now that he’s close to him. So he forces down the fear and the loneliness as he walks in. 

And is faced with yellow octopus.

“Good morning, Asano-kun! It’s a real pleasure to meet you.” The octopus smiles. 

Gakushu takes a moment. Just a moment to allow himself a brief sense of shock. He’s seen the man before, but it’s still a bit strange to see him in person. And while he knows the octopus won’t hurt him, it does make him uncomfortable to know that he’s stronger than him. That he could do anything he wanted to him, and Gakushu would be powerless. 

Then he fixes his faltering smile, and nods respectfully. 

“You as well, Koro-sensei.” He speaks, polite as always.

He’s acutely aware that the whole class is staring at him, whispering some more.

Was he supposed to act visually surprised? Maybe he shouldn’t have fixed his expression that quickly? But he doesn’t see the point of pretending. It would have been suspicious no matter what. Since he doubts he would have reacted visually even if this was the first time seeing the man. He’s always been far too good at hiding his emotions.

“You may take any empty seat in the back.”

He chooses the one in the corner, which is unfortunately right next to Akabane. But it’s worth it, since it means no one can sneak up on him from behind or from his left. It lets him let down his guard a little more.

“Oh how the mighty have fallen. Gotta say, never imagined seeing you sitting next to me of all people.” Akabane drawls from his right.

“Shut up, Akabane.” Gakushu grits his teeth.

He’s beginning to regret this already.

* * *

Gakushu is preparing for another boring day of class when he hears about midterms coming up. He figures it’ll be just like A class review periods. But then Koro-sensei shocks him by creating doubles of himself.

The octopus puts on several headbands marked with the subjects each of them would be taught.

Gakushu jumps when a clone appears in front of him, marked with a question mark.

“I’m sorry, Asano-kun, but I don’t have enough information to know which subject is your lowest. I was only notified about your placement in this class minutes ago. I will try my best to help you, regardless.” 

Gakushu tries to calm his racing heart.

“Social Studies is my weaker subject.” He admits. 

He never scored below a 97 on the subject, but he only managed a perfect score on the subject once. Even if he comes first overall, he nearly always places second on the social studies portion and it really bothers him.

“I see.” Koro-sensei quickly writes the subject onto his headband, “I’ll quiz you then to see where you stand in the subject.”

Koro-sensei proceeds to ask him questions on the subject, and Gakushu easily answers all of them correctly. The questions get harder, and more detail oriented, and it starts to take him longer to think it out. He finally hits one that he doesn’t understand.

“I don’t know.” He says, at last.

“Hammurabi.” Koro-sensei tells him the correct answer.

Then the man proceeds to flip through the social studies textbook and find a certain chapter.

“This is the only part you’re struggling to remember then.”

Gakushu looks through this and realizes the man is correct. This is the one part he struggled with the first time around as well.

Koro-sensei guides him through the rest of the study session, and it’s surprisingly helpful. Gakushu is used to his teacher just over complicating and confusing things for him rather than actually helping. He’s always been able to study better on his own. Because whenever he started to slip up, his father would use his brutal teaching methods on him. And he would do anything to keep from having to go through that again.

Needless to say, he’d never had very good experiences studying with teachers one on one. 

So he was surprised that Koro-sensei was actually helpful. Gakushu didn’t need mnemonics or anything creative, he just needed help focusing on the relevant details sometimes to avoid having to memorize everything, the way he usually does. It’s also mildly uncomfortable, especially knowing that this man was going to die. After already meeting him once, yet without him actually knowing.

“You said this was your weakest subject, correct?” Koro-sensei asks, at the end of the session. Gakushu nods, gritting his teeth. He hates being reminded of his weakness. Koro-sensei seems to pick up on it, “And yet, I do not doubt that you will achieve one of the highest scores on this test. So why do you seem so upset by it?”

“Because it’s still not good enough. I need to get _the_ highest score, or it doesn’t count for me.” His words are bitter.

“What will happen if you don’t get the perfect score you desire?” Koro-sensei’s voice is surprisingly serious.

Gakushu doesn’t know how to explain it. It’s not like anything bad will really happen. His father would look at him with disappointment and then ignore him, but that wasn’t too different from usual. But he can’t be less than perfect when he knows he has the capability to be number one. He’s always had to be on the top, because without that power, he would be nothing.

Oh wait. He is nothing right now.

“I don’t know.” Gakushu says slowly, “It would just mean I _failed_.”

Failure means life or death. That was something his father had drilled into him ever since he was a child. Failure was something horrible, that had to be corrected at the first chance possible. And his father wasn’t entirely wrong was it? Gakushu failed that last final, came 2nd place, and that’s when things started taking a turn for the worse.

“You are in the class of what most would consider failures.” Koro-sensei points out, “And they seem to be doing just fine, don’t they?”

Gakushu follows his gaze, looking out on the rest of the class. They were smiling, laughing, talking and thinking. And not in a fake way, but in a real, genuine manner. They were happy.

Compare that to Gakushu, who covers up with concealer, suppresses his flinches and hides behind a fake facade of a smile. Who has to hide in the bathroom sometimes and have full blown anxiety attacks. 

“They’re different from me.” He says.

“Maybe they are. But you’re different from all the kids at the main campus too, aren’t you?”

Gakushu pauses, “I guess I am.”

“You were the only one who stood up for E class. Despite fearing failure, you still empathize with those who are considered failures.”

“I don’t see them as failures.” Gakushu says. And it’s the truth. He sees them as different from him. On a different plane of existence. His definition of a failure is different from theirs. And Gakushu only has school and extracurriculars going for him. It was the only reason people respected him. He has so much more on the line than everyone else, who were just normal and happy despite not being perfect.

“Good. Because _none_ of you are failures.”

Gakushu stays silent. He doesn’t completely agree with that statement, and he thinks Koro-sensei knows it. 

Because out of the whole class, Gakushu was the only one who would kill himself at the end of the year. 

He didn’t just fail an exam—he failed at _life_. 

* * *

They have a class with Jelavic-Sensei the next period. The woman starts teaching the class some very—raucous vocabulary in english. It’s actually rather interesting, but Gakushu can’t help but be a little on edge. He knows that she is a trained assassin after all. 

It is rather insulting that the class calls her Bitch-sensei, though. It’s a slur, and while he has no problem with Jelavic-Sensei reclaiming the label for herself, for others to label her that merely because they can’t pronounce the name right is rather demeaning.

“Hey, new kid!” Jelavic-Sensei calls him, “Yeah, you. You’re supposed to be repeating after me, but I can’t hear you.”

Oh right. She doesn’t know. Gakushu usually just works on homework during English since all the teachers know he’s fluent. 

“ _I can speak fluently so I usually don’t bother repeating after teachers. I speak too fast to match everyone else’s speed, Sensei.”_ His accent is clearly different from all the other kids, a perfect imitation of Jelavic-Sensei’s. He knows speed is pretty fast as well, and hopefully not stilted at all.

He hears impressed gasps.

“Wow, you’re _fluent_?” Someone remarks. 

Jelavic-sensei seems ecstatic.

“You might be my new favorite student,” Jelavic-sensei walks up to him. Gakushu is on alert. The rest of the class is giving him sympathetic looks. 

“Why don’t I teach you something special?” She leans in, her hands moving faster than he’d ever seen anyone move before. Gakushu just barely manages to dodge her hands by jumping onto his desk. Her lips only graze the side of his ear instead of meeting their target. Gakushu still flinches.

“Alright, jeez, you don’t like my kisses. I get it.” She shrugs and backs up.

Gakushu still stares at her with eyes widened in fear.

She was just going to kiss him. 

That means he seriously overreacted. 

But can you blame him? He’s already been hit once in front of the whole class just for stating the obvious, he wouldn’t be surprised if it happened again.

“Trying to kiss a student is unprofessional. And illegal, but I doubt anyone around here cares about that much.” Gakushu says, his voice bland. He settles back into his seat, trying to adopt a casual expression.

At this point, he’s used to the class gawking at him. He just ignores them, and goes back to staring blankly out the window.

If Akabane notices how tense and hyper-alert he is for the rest of the lesson, he doesn’t say anything. 

* * *

By the end of class, they break for lunch. Gakushu waits as everyone seems to break up into their own groups and head outside to eat. While he tries to find a place to eat alone, he is approached by Isogai and a few others.

“Hi, Asano-kun. We just wanted to thank you again for standing up for us in front of everyone.” Isogai smiles.

“Well, it’s not like he did much.” Nakamura interrupts. “All your friends still harass us.”

Gakushu’s smile freezes. “If they stop harassing you, they’ll drop to E class. Like I did.” 

Nakamura looks conflicted at that. Good. She should, “But it’s still the right thing to do? Right?”

“Maybe it seems that way from this side of the story, but it isn’t so easy on the other side either. Standing up for you isn’t something most of us can risk doing.” Gakushu speaks slowly. Most of the class is here, watching their confrontation. So Gakushu hides his annoyance, and plasters on a small smile.

“Hah, don’t act so clever when you’re just a worthless loser.” Terasaka glares down at him. Gakushu stares him down, with wariness in his eyes. This kid is bigger than him, and his body language practically screams ‘itching for a fight’. 

Gakushu can take him on his he needs to, but he’d prefer not to start a fight. While the cuts on his hand are mostly healed now, he doesn’t want to risk opening the wounds. 

“A worthless loser,” Gakushu asks nicely, “Why do you say that?”

“You tried to be all noble and stand up for the losers and now you’ve ended up stuck with them instead.” Terasaka says, but he seems slightly put off guard by Gakushu’s flat tone and pleasant expression.

“Interesting how you refer to ‘the losers’ as ‘them’, not us.” Gakushu smirks, “After all, I only see one loser, and that is you, Terasaka.”

The boy falls for the bait, and charges. Gakushu doesn’t even have to think about dodging, his legs move on their own. It’s a slight, barely-there movement. Just shifting his left leg slightly to the side, and twisting his body back to evade the punch being thrown at him.

Then he hooks his left leg behind Terasaka’s right foot, and clotheslines him to the floor. The boy falls to the ground hard and has the wind knocked out of him. 

It’ll take him a few minutes to get back up. 

“It seems that I’ve tripped you. I’m so sorry.” He says sarcastically.

He knew Terasaka was going to attack him at one point or the other. Which was why he baited him and got him to attack right now. Now he won’t have to be on edge, constantly checking to see if he was being attacked. 

He doubts the rest of the class will see it that way though.

He walks behind the body, turns around, and faces the rest of the class.

“Wow.” Maehara stares, “You took out _Terasaka._ In like one move?

“Yeah, Asano-kun. How come you’re good at everything?”

“Genetics.” Gakushu lies. It’s more like—a desperate search for approval and trained perfectionist tendencies. Genes have nothing to do with it.

It makes the class laugh with him though, so at least it helps break the tension.

“Your dodging was natural, but your fighting form was so tense it was painful to watch.” Akabane strides up to him, his hands in his pockets, and head thrown back lazily.

Gakushu can clearly see that his nonchalance is fake. He’s known Akabane to be dangerous right from the start. The boy doesn’t bother trying to hide the feral look in his eyes, and while most students can’t see it, Gakushu can. 

And yet, Akabane doesn’t scare him like Jelavic-Sensei and his father scare him. Because despite the violent edge to him, Gakushu gets the feeling that Akabane isn’t going to stab him in the back. 

Because if Akabane wants to hurt him, he will let him know.

“Not all of us want to be sloppy street fighters with weak stances.” Gakushu retorts.

Akabane sets down his lunch box and sits down. Gakushu is caught off guard for a moment. The blue haired boy—Nagisa Shiota—smiles at him.

“That’s just how Karma makes friends.” He explains, “He insults them and then barges in on them without permission. Can we sit with you?”

Gakushu blinks at this unconventional situation. Things like this never happen at lunch in the main campus. 

Then he sighs. He’ll get used to the strangeness eventually, he supposes. In the meanwhile, he’ll try to be nice to everyone he can. 

“Of course.” He smiles at Shiota, and gestures for him to sit down with him. 

Gakushu wasn’t expecting to make friends with anyone from 3-E, but Nagisa—as he requested to be called—and Akabane are surprisingly fun to be around. It’s a bit hard for him to comprehend that this 3-E class doesn’t see him the same way they did the first time around. Here, he hasn’t challenged them to rigged contests, or tried to blackmail them. 

In this lifetime, they see him as the kid who stood up for them despite the costs.

* * *

It’s when he’s walking past the main campus along with some of his other 3-E classmates that he sees trouble start to brew. 

It’s Ren, Seo, Araki and Koyama. The former Virtuosos.

They all freeze when they see each other.

“Gakushu, what happened?” Ren demands, “You didn’t answer our texts last night after you came out of the Principal’s office. We were worried.”

“Well, he was worried.” Koyama states, “I was just annoyed. What the hell were you doing at the assembly, acting all nice to those E-class losers?”

Gakushu sees some of his new classmates bristle at the insult.

“Yeah, the entire class was in shock when the teacher announced that you had dropped into E class. Like, you’re _Asano_. The smartest in the whole school, and the most talented too. And you’re nice to everyone. You’ve never even gotten a detention. I doubt you’ve ever even been tardy. You don’t belong with the washouts.” Seo says.

“These losers and washouts are my new classmates now, so I’d appreciate it if you treated them with the respect they deserve.” Gakushu spoke lightly, but locked eyes with the Virtuosos, “And I’ve done a few things I probably shouldn’t have. You all remember how I ditched the first day of school.”

“ _You_ ditched school?” Akabane says from behind him. He sounds strangely pleased.

“But that’s not a reason for E class. That deserves a detention at worst.” Araki points out.

“You’re right, that’s not entirely the reason I’ve been dropped to E class.” Gakushu pauses. He hears everyone hold their breaths, “I’ve been undermining the Principal’s precious educational philosophy by being nice to E class.”

There is silence.

“Your father dropped you to E class over a philosophical disagreement?” Isogai speaks slowly. Like he can’t comprehend the words, “I wondered why you being nice to us got you punished, but that seems silly, doesn’t it.”

The Virtuosos look resigned. They know all too well the passion his father holds for his educational philosophy.

“I understand if you don’t want to talk anymore.” Gakushu forced himself to say. And he meant it. He did understand how hard it was to be friends with someone from E class when you were in A class yourself. It was impossible if you wanted to maintain social standing and not get punished passive-aggressively by the Principal.

He turns away. He ignores the tightness in his chest when they don’t call him back. 

“I’m sorry we can’t do anything right now, but this isn’t over yet, Gakushu.” He hears Ren mutter, “We’ll figure something out. Just wait.”


	5. Walking on That Grey Line, Hoping That My Stress Dies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Midterms arrive. Gakushu struggles. Akabane helps him out, surprisingly. There’s something off with Nagisa, and they have a school trip. Terasaka and Gakushu fight again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, gals, and enby pals!
> 
> I’m starting a fan comic based on this fic. If anyone is good at creating comics/ or just coloring them in and wants to help me (Or wants to try learning), please let me know. I’ll appreciate your help!

Gakushu already knows the midterm material by heart, but he forces himself to go over it once again. When he’s absolutely certain that he’s learnt everything he could possibly learn, he goes over more advanced topics—the things that he’s been working on during classes. Since he should be in highschool right now, he’s tried to keep up with highschool level studies as well.

He tells himself it’s just because he likes being advanced, but deep down he knows it’s because of the way his father smiled approvingly over his advanced study material.

Now that he’s been kicked off the school sports teams and tutoring club, he stubbornly decides to keep up with all his activities out of school. He’s signed up with a local soccer team, and the community center’s basketball team is fine with him showing up occasionally. Between those sports, keeping up with guitar lessons and volunteering to tutor kids at an underfunded preschool nearby, he’s stretched thin.

He hardly has any time to keep up with his studies, but he manages as he always does: with an unhealthy amount of caffeine.

Koro-sensei got upset with the class the other day for caring more about the prize money than studies, and created a tornado to level the ground.

Gakushu had been frozen with terror. Some other kids were in various stages shock and fear, but Gakushu couldn’t help but be frustrated that his reactions were always the worst.

Even after their assassination attempt the other day, where a student tried to distract Koro-sensei and then shoot him, Gakushu was the only one who panicked at the sound of the gun. Several other failed assassination attempts each made it clear to him that he was overreacting. Every. Single. Time.

A class filled with people who like to jump out and attack at any moment were not a good place for someone like him.

But most of his classmates were nice to him. He was close to Nagisa and Akabane, and Hazama seemed to like him well enough too, strangely. They managed to connect with each other over their mutual appreciation of dark literature. And perhaps, Gakushu enjoys someone who can relate to the depressing thoughts in his head.

Hazama also has problems with her mom. Most of her other friends from Terasaka’s gang belittle her problems, but Gakushu understands how stressful it is to have sharp insults cut into you, tearing you down.

Nagisa clearly has issues with his family as well, but he refuses to talk about it, pretending like everything’s fine. Something that Gakushu is guilty of doing as well, so it would be hypocritical of him to call him out on it.

Akabane—well, the boy is strange. He is clearly intelligent and talented but doesn’t even try. He could definitely become a skilled martial artist if he actually joined a dojo. His street fighting moves are clever and more thought out than he’d expected. Gakushu doesn’t understand him at all. Why would someone with so much skill waste it?

When asked, Akabane merely retorts, “What’s the point of trying so hard when you can take it easy. You only live once, might as well enjoy it instead of drowning in stress.”

That one was clearly a dig at Gakushu. He’s been more stressed than usual, for sure. He always gets extra jumpy around test times, but he’s been good enough at hiding it that nobody notices it. Neither his old friends, nor his new ones have noticed in this lifetime—in the previous one, he got the impression that his friends noticed towards the end, but it was too late by then to confront him anyways.

Being in E class is a lot more interesting than A class. Sometimes, it’s better—it’s so much less boring to learn—but the constant assassinations keep bothering him. But he’s long since learnt that getting good grades comes with a consequence.

And he is certain that the grades he will get in this class will be better than ever before.

Because the time Gakushu has to head to the main campus to take his midterms, he’s as prepared as he could possibly be.

Or so he thought.

The teacher supervising them tries to sabotage them. The man keeps tapping a pencil against the desk and shaking his leg.

It’s bothersome to everyone else as well, but Gakushu’s mind won’t calm down. He forces himself to answer the questions, but he can feel his heart race, and the adrenaline thrumming through him. He knows he usually has a mild overreaction to loud noises, but he wouldn’t usually be upset by small ones like this. But all the caffeine doesn’t help his anxiety. And he’s already been on edge for the past few weeks from being in E class.

He’s never been in a situation before where his stressed mental state was actually sabotaging him instead of helping him.

The teacher loudly slams his foot against the table, and Gakushu flinches. He drops his pencil. It falls to the ground with an embarrassing clatter.

“Here, I’ll get it.” Akabane says from next to him. The teacher glares at him, but doesn’t say anything. Akabane reaches down and grabs the pencil, but when he presses it into Gakushu’s palms, he can feel something else with it.

He surreptitiously opens his palms to look at the small objects.

Earplugs.

He turns to look at Akabane but the boy has already turned back to his test, not looking at him.

Gakushu quickly puts the earplugs in before the teacher notices, not wanting to waste his chance.

The earplugs work pretty good. They muffle most of the louder noises, and Gakushu is able to concentrate for the rest of the test. Then he comes upon the advanced material questions. The questions that were added at the last minute. He’d forgotten about them. He’d assumed back then that all classes were informed of them, though he has still been bit suspicious as to why they were really added. His father’s story hadn’t added up. Now he knows why. It was done on purpose to trick E class.

It shouldn’t affect him, he’s studied ahead enough to breeze through it. But the rest of class… he looks up to see the devastated expressions of his classmates.

He grits his teeth and keeps going. He doesn’t have the time to think about them.

He finishes just in time, barely making it.

When it’s over, he pulls the earplugs off and hands in his test.

“Why did you have these?” He asks Akabane, his heart still racing.

The red haired boy wears an expression of forced carelessness, “I always have these hanging around in case I want to sleep in class.”

Gakushu almost laughs. That is so Akabane. Being lazy, yet always prepared.

But that means he noticed Gakushu flinching. Is he going to question him on it?

“You can keep those.” He says instead, “You’ve already got your nerd germs on them. Now do you want to come with Nagisa and I to get a drink? I want to cheer him up, I don’t think he did that well.”

They look over to Nagisa, who has his head hung low, “Or do you have to go to the million extracurriculars you have?”

So no, he isn’t going to question him. That makes Gakushu relax a little. And pause. He already has an apology on the tip of his tongue. He did want to go do some tutoring today, before his guitar lesson. But he’s tired. And he probably looks sickly.

And more than that, Akabane looks at him with those sharp golden eyes. Eyes that are softer than usual.

Gakushu can’t find it in himself to refuse.

“Fine, but I have to be back home in 2 hours.”

* * *

Akabane and Nagisa show him their favorite cafe, and afterwards they end up arguing over the best type of coffee.

“Cold brew is superior.” Gakushu repeats, staring at Nagisa passionately.

“Everybody loves Frappuccinos.” The smaller boy just smiles that innocent smile, but something in his eyes makes him tense. It’s like looking into the eyes of a serpent, with deathly aura ready to attack and suffocate. It makes him pause for a second. 

“Not me.” Gakushu says, trying to shrug off the anxious feeling. It must be in his head.

“Well, that’s because you’re a bore.” Karma drawls, “I don’t get how either of you drink coffee. Strawberry milk is the best.”

Nagisa and Gakushu share a glance, “What are you, five?” They deadpan.

They share the rest of the afternoon together, but all too soon, it’s time for him to get ready for guitar lessons.

“See you later, Nagisa, Akabane.” Gakushu waves them goodbye.

“Hold up Asano.” Gakushu sees Akabane stand up and start towards him. “I need to ask you something.”

Gakushu waits outside the cafe as Akabane starts to speak, “You noticed it today didn’t you?”

Gakushu understands what he’s talking about instantly and nods, “Nagisa—his eyes.”

“He’s always been like that.” Akabane looks him in the eyes, “I ended my friendship with him once because he snuck up on me and I got afraid of him.”

Gakushu blinks. That was...intense.

“He’s not a bad kid though, I don’t think he even notices what he’s doing.” Akabane frowns, “I just get the feeling that you’re like me in that way, and wanted to tell you not to ruin your friendship like I did. Don’t let the fear get to you.”

Akabane walks away.

Gakushu thinks over what he’s been told.

Don’t let the fear get to you.

Easier said than done.

* * *

  
They don’t do very well. The whole class is disappointed and Karasuma-sensei and Koro-sensei are upset.

Gakushu stares at his scores with gloom.

He got a 100 on only three subjects, and a 99 and a 98 on the other two.

497 points.

He missed a total of 3 points.

Three.

“This is my fault.” Koro-sensei turns away from them, “It seems I took this school’s system too lightly. I can’t bring myself to face any of you.”

The class shifts uncomfortably.

Then Karma cuts the tension with a knife.

Literally.

He raises his knife, sending a look at Gakushu, who is closest to him.

Gakushu gets the message and pulls out his own knife.

They throw at the same time, their knives slicing through the air headed straight for Koro-sensei’s head.

The Octopus teacher spins hard, barely avoiding the two knives that clatter against the chalkboard.

“Are you sure?” Akabane teases, “If you couldn’t face us, you couldn’t see us coming to kill you.”

“Karma-kun! Asano-kun!” Koro-sensei cries, “Sensei is feeling depressed right now.”

“Join the fucking club.” Gakushu mutters. Hazama snorts from the seat in front of him.

Akabane throws his scores at Koro-sensei, then grabs Gakushu’s as well before throwing them.

“Hey, you could have asked first.” Gakushu hisses.

“Oh please, like you would have let me see them. I bet you’re moping over the three points you lost.” Akabane speaks the last part intentionally loud.

“You only lost 3 points?”

“Wait, that means you’re in first place?”

“Woah, that’s amazing.”

Koro-sensei looks surprised at the scores.

Akabane got fourth place, with 6 points off. Pretty good considering the context. High enough to leave the class.

“I have no intention of leaving this class,” Akabane smirks, “Assassination is more entertaining than returning to my previous class.”

Akabane cocks his head at him, “So, Ace-kun, what about you? About to go back and reclaim your throne?”

“I’m a President, not a king, Akabane.” Gakushu jokes, “It would be my office.”

Then he seriously pauses to think. He knew he was going to get first place, but hadn’t really thought about if he wanted to go back. Going back would mean he could get back on the sports teams. Lead them to success. He could tutor the lower class students, talk to them and listen, and be treated with smiles, laughter and respect.

He could be back on Student Council, planning events and organizing fundraisers.

And most importantly, they could be the 5 virtuosos again. He could talk to them without fear of peer pressure.

He could be the Ace again.

But then he couldn’t see his E class friends without being punished either. He couldn’t talk to Hazama or Nagisa.  
Or Akabane.

He recalls those three points he lost. He would have lost much more if it weren’t for Akabane’s help.

If it weren’t for Koro-sensei’s advice.

And of course, hw wouldn’t have a chance to save Koro-sensei.

That’s when he knows what he has to do.

“I’m not going back to the main campus until I achieve a perfect score on my exam. Three points off is three points too many.” He declares. The class starts cheering, albeit a bit confused. Akabane rolls his eyes.

They tease Koro-sensei and everyone joins in, poking fun at him. The class ends on a less depressing note, and even Gakushu is able to smile genuinely by the end of it, when Hazama and him snark at each other about anticipating their parent’s disappointed reactions.

It’s one of his first few smiles that haven’t been forced.

* * *

His father has been ignoring him the past few weeks, but his results on the midterm only get him a sideways glance of disappointment. Because even if he got first, he wasn’t perfect.

The day after the midterm, Koro-sensei announces the school field trip. Gakushu sighs. He hates field trips.

And then Karasuma-sensei tells them they have to use their school field trip for assasination attempts. Seriously? Can’t they get a break?

The rest of the class is excited. Karma and Nagisa seem enthusiastic enough as they try to find a group. The only people who look as unenthused as him are Hazama’s group.

So he reluctantly joins them.

He ignores the part of him that points out that he’s only joining them to stay away from Nagisa. He’s not afraid of him, per say, but does need a bit of time to think about what happened. He really did get nervous when Nagisa got that look in his eyes. It reminded him too much of his father after he beat up the exchange students.

So he joins a different group, and tries not to think about it.

Her group also includes Terasaka, which will probably prove to be difficult. Terasaka never stopped glaring at him ever since those weeks ago when Gakushu beat him.

He hasn’t made a move yet, but Gakushu is still wary of him.

On top of dealing with Terasaka, the whole trip is going to be difficult for him already. He hates going to new places, with so many strangers crowding around him. He’s managed before, but it’s not going to be easy. Especially with a group he’s unfamiliar with.

They just finished a midterm, one of the most stressful things ever. And they have a high stakes assassination attempt afterwards? Is that really necessary?

He keeps his complaints to himself though, as he joins in on helping planning out assassination attempts.

The next day, he packs his bag and leaves the house in the morning to head to the station. His father coldly wishes him a goodbye. And thats it. He won’t be seeing the man for 3 days and all he can say is goodbye. No “Have a good trip.” Or “Stay on your best behavior.” And god forbid a simple “I love you.”

Gakushu shoves down the painful emotions and boards the train.

They find seats, and Gakushu tries his best to relax, but something doesn’t feel right. He plugs in his headphones and stares out the window, trying to drown out the anxiety. Then he sees a bunch of high schoolers walk into their car, and his mind turns alert again.

The way they stare at the girls makes him wary. He watches them from the corner of his eye.

They look like delinquents. Their leader says something to his followers.

The delinquent looks both ways, not noticing Gakushu watching. Then his hand reaches past Kanzaki and snatches a planner from her.

“Excuse me, but I believe that doesn’t belong to you.” Gakushu stands up.

The delinquent quickly passes the diary to one of his followers, who hides it under his hoodie. The leading delinquent stands up to his full height, trying to intimidate Gakushu.

He’s successful, and Gakushu feels his heart start to race with fear, his fight or fight reflexes triggering. But Gakushu can’t let him know that. Can’t let him see the fear. He plasters on an unamused expression.

“What planner? We don’t have anything, see.” He raises his bare hands. Some of Gakushu’s classmates have started to come over, seeing the confrontation.

“I never said anything about a planner.” Gakushu drawls. The delinquent’s followers wince, “Just give it back, it’s not yours.”

“We didn’t take anything, and if we did, you can’t prove it.”

“There are security cameras in here. We can prove it.”

The delinquent clearly grows angry, but fakes a benevolent smile.

“Now, you wouldn’t want to cause a huge scene over something as silly as a planner, would you? No one would access the video tape for something useless like that.”

If he wants to play it this way, then fine. Two could play at this game.

“Then I’ll lie. Say you stole my wallet or something like that. They’d access the security tapes for that. Either way, the truth will come out.”

The delinquent snaps. He swings out his fist, headed straight for Gakushu’s head.

He hears someone shout.

Gakushu catches the fist in his hand.

“Which one of us is causing a scene now?” He mocks, before shoving the boy off him and backing up.

“Someone call a teacher—“ one of his classmates yells. Karasuma-sensei shows up in a flash but the delinquents flee at the sight of him. The one with the planner gets away as well.

“Asano-kun, what happened?” Karasuma-sensei asks him. He explains, and the other students add to his explanation.

At the end, Karasuma-sensei just pinches the bridge of his nose.

“So he has the planner? Do any of you know if Kanzaki-san has anything important written on there? Anything to do with—“ he jerks his head towards Koro-sensei.

Gakushu and his classmates go pale. He hadn’t thought about the possible repercussions of the secret getting out. And unlike the others, he knows just how bad the repercussions are. They think it means the end of the world. For them, it’s this vague, yet scary, nebulous idea.

For Gakushu, the consequences are far more fresh in his mind. His father losing his job.

Getting frustrated.

Glitching.

Lashing out.

He feels the phantom pain of his torso slamming into the dinner table.

Luckily, Kanzaki comes back and reassures them that nothing about the secret was written down there. Though their entire plan for the trip was on there.

Karasuma decides it’s not a concern, after all, no one would care about a middle school field trip plan.

Gakushu doesn’t entirely agree. There was something off about this whole thing, and he didn’t know what it was. He isn’t able to relax for the rest of the train ride, due to both the flashbacks of his past memories and the fact that those delinquents are on the same car as they are. He is relieved when they finally arrive at their destination.

His group with Hazama and the others start on their route, and it’s surprisingly interesting. Most of them didn’t really want to be here anyways, so they’d left all the planning to Hazama. Which meant all the attractions they were seeing were just ones on brutal murders and ghost sightings.

He gets along well enough with the rest of the group, but Terasaka won’t stop glaring at him. Every attraction, whenever someone of the group would talk to Gakushu, Terasaka would look away, sulking. He didn’t understand why the boy was overreacting. Sure, they had that fight, but it wasn’t a big deal, and it was weeks ago. Is he really still that embarrassed about it?

Eventually, over lunch, their group starts talking about Gakushu’s fight with the delinquents on the train.

“—the way you just caught his hand in your palm without even flinching was epic—“

“Shut up.” Terasaka stands up, and slams his fist down on the table.

Gakushu flinches at the unexpected sound.

“You keep talking about how awesome Asano is, but it’s not right.” He seethes. “Someone who’s that smart doesn’t get to be cool and strong too. You’re not supposed to be that way.”

Suddenly, Gakushu understands. Terasaka places a lot of faith into stereotype, and plays into them. He’s only confident in his own delinquency, and having someone break out of those labels makes him insecure.

Gakushu used to be the same.

“You can be smart too, you know. Just have to work for it.” He realizes too late that maybe that was the wrong thing to say.

“You—“ Terasaka lunges, grabbing for Gakushu across the table. Gakushu jumps back, getting out of his grip.

“You calling me a slacker?” Terasaka swings his arm out.

Gakushu blocks with his left arm, before sidestepping.

“Yes, I am. You’re the only one holding yourself back.”

“I’m not smart.” Terasaka kicks his leg out, and Gakushu catches it, and pulls.

Terasaka goes crashing to the ground.

The area of the park they’re eating in has broken out into whispers, people staring and pointing at them.

“Perhaps. But you’re not stupid.” He gets on his knees, even though he wants to run away. He needs to make him understand. He looks into Terasaka’s eyes. “You’re not fucking dumb. So either acting like it, or stop bitching about it.”

The boy looks surprised. This is the first time he’s heard Gakushu curse.

Then Gakushu gets up, not bothering to hold out a hand. Terasaka would only take it as a sign of disrespect anyways.

Their group stares at them, wide eyed.

“So, where to next?” He smiles blithely.

They carry on with the rest of the tour with no other problems, and Terasaka is strangely quiet throughout it.

Gakushu hopes he’s actually thinking about what he said. Regardless of what people think, Gakushu isn’t actually inherently smarter than people. There’s a reason he’s never been able to skip a grade, or ace a test without even trying like Akabane can do. Gakushu has to work on his skills every single day. He has to put in so much work, it’s painful.

So Terasaka can do the same. If he wants to break out of the stereotype, if he wants to be successful in life, that’s up to him.

It’s his choice and nobody else’s.

But he’s given him a much needed bit of advice. He knows all too well that no one can force you to throw away your life, but it does take a little bit of a push.


	6. When the Sins of My Father Weigh Down My Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gakushu comes out, is afraid of the transfer students, and coaches the girls basketball team for the ball game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks. 
> 
> There is brief mentioned sexual abuse in this chapter, just a trigger warning if anyone wants to skip it. 
> 
> Also, in case any of you forgot who Tsuchiya is, I’ve attached a link to the chapter of the manga she appears in (She’s only in like a chapter and a half so most of you won’t remember her but she’s important to this chapter)
> 
> [Read Here](https://manganelo.com/chapter/read_ansatsu_kyoushitsu_manga_online/chapter_23).
> 
> And another small detail that may have been forgotten is that during the baseball tournament for the boys, the girls had their own basketball tournament in which they ultimately lost. I’m expanding on that detail in this fic.

Heading back in their hotel rooms, Gakushu found himself caught in a very irritating ritual.

Ranking the girls in their class.

“This is inane.” He complains, “And it’s disrespectful to rank them like that. Even if they aren’t going to know, it’s still quite rude.”

Isogai looks a bit abashed.

The other boys brush him off.

“Oh, come on. I’ll bet the girls are doing the same in their room too.”

Then they turn their sights on Karma, “Hey, Karma. Who do you like?”

“Hmm,” Akabane looks very uninterested, “I mean, if I had to choose then Okuda-San is alright, I guess.”

The boys question him on it, and Akabane responds with, “She’s good at poisons. Just think of all the pranks we could pull off.”

They stare at him, deadpan. Does he like her, or the poisons?

Before Gakushu could ponder that further, the boys turned their attention on him.

“Asano-kun, you’re the only one who hasn’t answered. Which girl do you like?”

“Yeah, everyone’s said theirs, so you’re not getting out of it.”

Gakushu knew this was coming. “I don’t like any of the girls here.”

“Asano-kun! Don’t give us that!”

“Yeah you can tell us. Is it Hazama-chan?”

Oh, how Gakushu despises heteronormativity.

Ren was the only one he was out to, but Gakushu really didn’t care. He knew he was attracted to boys, but it wasn’t like Gakushu even had time to date or whatever. He really didn’t see the point in discussing this kind of stuff.

“No, really, I don’t like any of the girls. Let’s move on to something else now.”

“You don’t like any girl? What are you—gay?” Someone in the back jokes.

A few others chuckle, but Gakushu doesn’t laugh.

He knows he should stay quiet, but something about the joke irritates him. He should be used to it by now, after all, most kids his age joke about queer people. They’ve likely never even met one. Japan isn’t very progressive when it comes to these things, after all.

But he’s annoyed. And after everything he’s been through, everything he has to hide inside him, this was the one thing he could never bring himself to be ashamed of.

So he doesn’t stay quiet this time. He speaks up.

“Do you have a problem with that?” He lifts his chin with confidence.

The room goes silent. It takes a few moments for the words to sink in, and Gakushu’s heated gaze to make sense.

The boy who spoke—Maehara just stutters out, “—n-no—of course not.”

Then all of a sudden, they hear a noise from the window. They spin around, to see Koro-sensei hanging from the window, eavesdropping on them. He has a notebook in his hand, and he’s writing down the girl’s names from Isogai’s list. Did he just overhear—

“He jotted it down and ran! Kill him.” Maehara shouts.

“Hold it right there you damned octopus!” They all run after him, knives held out, “Going and invading your student’s privacy like that!”

Soon enough, the girls start chasing after Koro-sensei as well. In the midst of their assasination attempt, in which Gakushu helps out in greatly, his classmates work with him without bringing up what was just discussed.

After they are all tired out, they all head back to bed. He knows the tension between them is still there—homophobia doesn’t go away just like that, but for the most part, his classmates treat him the same way. Akabane and Nagisa stick with him, and don’t mention his sexuality again. Gakushu is grateful. He hates being defined by something he can’t control.

——————

When they get back from the field trip, they have a new transfer student joining them. It turns out to be an AI. When Akabane sees her, he just walks right out of the classroom.

“Akabane. What are you doing? You can’t just leave.” He calls out to his friend—how strange is it to call Akabane a friend?

Akabane looks over his shoulder, “She gives me bad vibes. I don’t want to be around her when it all goes down. I think you should leave too.”

“What?” Gakushu sputters, “No. Why would I leave? We need to study.“

Akabane just smiles, and walks away.

Gakushu heads back to class, and tries to figure out why Akabane left. The AI didn’t seem too bad. He’s curious about how it worked, but doesn’t really see a problem with her.

Until she starts shooting in the middle of class.

Ever since the start of class, she’s nearly constantly shooting. After the first ten minutes, Gakushu is so on edge, he can feel his fingers shaking. He doesn’t know when she’ll start shooting again, and that makes it even worse.

He can’t do this. He can’t take it.

A stray bullet grazes his hair, and he flinches so hard he falls out of his chair.

“Asano-kun?” Hazama looks down at him, “You good?”

Gakushu pulls himself to his feet, hiding the slight tremble of his hands. The whole class has turned to watch him.

Gakushu grabs his backpack and his books.

“I think I’m going to do what Akabane did and head home. I clearly won’t be able to learn like this.”

Koro-sensei seems surprised, but otherwise doesn’t try to stop him.

Maybe he can see how close to the edge of an anxiety attack he is.

Once again, Akabane was right. He should have left when he told him.

Curse him.  
———————-

Skipping school once again was a bad idea. The first time he didn’t get to do much. This time, he does the same as he did last time—hide in the forest and curl up against a tree.

By the time the day’s over, he needs to head home and face his father again. Who has undoubtedly heard about him skipping school.

Great.

Today, his father doesn’t seem that angry, though. Just vaguely tired.

“I know you had a transfer student today, so you likely wouldn’t have gotten anything done anyways. You better make up for it, though.”

His father walks away. He’s been treating Gakushu more distantly than usual, and while in a way that’s good—he hasn’t been hit in months—he still wants his father to look at him, and acknowledge him.

It’s not like there’s anything he can do about that, though. Gakushu just takes a deep breath and gets ready for soccer practice. Distracting himself and running away from his problems probably isn’t the best coping skill, but it’s all he’s got.

If he happens to kick the soccer ball with a bit too much power, or if he recoils too fast when a player passes him, no one mentions it.

————————-

The next day, Terasaka tapes up the AI girl. Gakushu sighs in relief. He didn’t know what he’d do if he was forced to study with her in class for another day. He thinks he’d have just gone back to the main campus if he was put through that again.

“Why are the boys avoiding you like you’re some sort of demon from hell?” Hazama asks him bluntly. Gakushu rolls his eyes. It was only a few of the boys who were a little hesitant to get near him. It wasn’t a big deal to him, but a few others are bound to notice.

“Because they realized I am a demon from hell.” He deadpans. 

“Your eyes are lavender, Asano. And you’re strawberry blonde. You’d sooner be a fucking angel.”

He smiles angelically, “Fine. It’s more like they found out I’m a sinner. Who will go to hell one day for my unnatural actions.”

“Oh so, you’re just gay.” She looks almost disappointed, “I thought you were psychic, or something more interesting.”

Thank you. Finally someone who found his sexuality as boring as he did.

Hazama was cool that way. She didn’t take much of anything seriously, and didn’t really make a big deal out of things he said that most people would find concerning. When he made a joke about slicing open his wrist, she told him it would be very hard to die that way, and he’d be better off jumping off a roof. Or a bridge.

He tried not to laugh hysterically at that part.

After Ritsu gets upgraded, Gakushu and most of his class can sigh in relief. But the rainy season starts soon after, which is difficult for him.

He has to walk to school and back, as well as to his various extracurriculars across the town. It isn’t too long, only about a 10–15 minute walk to most places. But doing so in the rain is brutal.

He grips his umbrella tighter, trying to avoid puddles as he walks at Nagisa’s side. Sugino, Maehara, Yada and Kayano are with them as well. Sugino doesn’t act any differently around him, but Maehara seems strange to him. He doesn’t act rude or try to ignore him, but he seems almost... a little guilty every time they talk.

Then they see Maehara go meet up with a girl.

“Tsuchiya Kaho. She’s a C class girl.” Yada says.

Tsuchiya? He’s tutored her before. Wasn’t that the girl who used to be in D class? The one he spent 3 days tutoring individually. He’s glad to see that she managed to go up a class. She had seemed so desperate. It was worth getting in trouble with his father for.

She seems off though. She’s smiling with Maehara but her smile is fake. He can tell. After all, he’s seen the few times she truly smiled.

“Hmm, if it isn’t Kaho. What are you up to?” It’s Seo, walking up towards them with Teppei at his side.

Tsuchiya instantly backs up, moving away from Maehara.

“Ah—Seo-kun!” She looks nervous

Gakushu has a bad feeling about this. They converse, and Tsuchiya slowly gets more and more anxious.

“So that’s how it is.” Maehara says loudly, “You figured you’d keep me around for when your new boyfriend’s busy?”

Gakushu grits his teeth. So she was cheating on both of them. Or so it seemed. But there was more going on here than on the surface.

“Kaho, you little…” Seo swears but he looks hurt.

Tsuchiya flinches.

Gakushu can’t watch this anymore. He steps forward, “Tsuchiya-san, mind taking a walk with me?”

Tsuchiya looks relieved to see him there, yet a bit embarrassed.

“Asano-kun, what are you—“ Seo starts. Gakushu gently grabs Tsuchiya’s wrist, and guides her down the street.

“Are you alright, Tsuchiya?” He asks, letting go of her wrist.

She looks surprised.

“You’re asking me if I’m alright? After you found out I’m a cheating bitch.”

“Don’t call yourself that, you’re not one.” He chides, “No one cheats without a reason. You’ve hurt Maehara and Seo, but that doesn’t mean you’re not hurting either.”

She stays silent.

They lean against the brick wall, a few feet away from Seo and Maehara and others, but far away enough to mask their conversation.

“The only time people look at me is when I’m dating them.” She speaks quietly, so quiet he can barely hear her unless he leans in. “No one ever sees me as more than a pretty face, so this is what I have to do. I’m useless otherwise. People don’t like me if I’m not making out with them. I’m only useful as somebody’s slut. A bitch. No one can love me if I’m not.”

“Who told you that?” Gakushu feels his chest tighten. Something’s not right here.

“My own father.” She starts crying.

Gakushu feels his lungs cease up as well.

“What does your father do to you?” He forces the words out.

“He—he—“ she keeps crying.

Gakushu feels his head spin. He should have known. Sexual abuse victims often re-enact trauma as a way to master it.

That’s why she cheats.

And what can Gakushu do about it?

“Can you tell the police?”

“I’ve told them. No one believes me. My father’s a CEO of a big company. I have to stay silent.”

Gakushu wraps his arms around himself. This is horrible. What is he supposed to do about this? He can’t go up against someone like that. He knows all too well that corruption is impossible to fight.

“I’ll talk to them.” He says instead. “Seo and Maehara. They won’t come after you okay?”

“You don’t believe me, do you?” She asks, bitterly.

Gakushu closes his eyes. What can he say to make her trust him?

“My father hits me too.” He admits silently, “I understand why you can’t speak up.”

She looks up at him, eyes wide, “The principal? He wouldn’t...No. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t say that. I believe you. This is why people never believe me, I shouldn’t fall into the same pattern of saying ‘he wouldn’t’.”

There’s a shout and a huge splash coming from next to them.

Gakushu and Tsuchiya run out, and see Maehara on the ground, lying in a puddle.

Seo stands over him, fists clenched. They’re both staring at each other with heartbreak and anger. Then Seo raises a knee, aiming to kick Maehara.

“Please stop.” The voice chills Gakushu to the bone, and he doesn’t even need to raise his head to know who it is.

“Violence isn’t the answer.” His father says.

Tsuchiya snorts, “You’re one to talk.” She glares at his father with surprising heat in her eyes.

His father stops short.

“Tsuchiya.” Gakushu hisses. His heart hammers in his chest.

His father snaps out of it and pretends like he didn’t hear anything. He gets on one knee, and hands Maehara a handkerchief, whispering a few words to the boy before getting back up and driving away.

Ignoring Gakushu standing right there with the rain pouring down on him. Not even offering him a ride.

He grits his teeth to hide the hurt. Tsuchiya walks away with a quick wave to him, before leaving the situation as soon as she can. Good.

“Seo, Maehara, please don’t get upset at Tsuchiya for this. I’d appreciate it if you kept it quiet, too.” He bows his head to both of them.

“What?” Seo hisses. “That bitch fucking cheated on me—“

“For personal reasons of her own.” He interrupts. “Look. I know you two are hurt, and you have every right to feel that way, but Tsuchiya-san is hurting too. Try to be sympathetic, please.”

Sugino and Nagisa come running towards them with the others.

“Maehara, you alright? And more importantly—that girl! What a bitch.” Sugino says.

Gakushu has had enough.

“Look, you understand nothing of her situation. Don’t call her a ‘bitch.’ If a man cheats, we don’t really care and call them a player. Which is basically a compliment. But because she’s a girl you get to call her a bitch and a slut? Cut it out with the fucking asinine double standards.” He snaps.

Everyone is staring at him, but he’s not done.

“And you two,” he points at Seo and Maehara, “You were dating her. You barely know anything about her if you both can call her a bitch without knowing what that word means to her.”

“What? Was she cheating with you too? How do you know so much about her—“ Seo accuses.

“Excuse me for actually getting to know her as a friend instead of dating her for her pretty face. No wonder she cheated on you. She just wanted someone to look at her, and truly see her, but you couldn’t even do that.” He spits out, “She’s not the kind of person to cheat for attention, and you would know that if you actually tried to get to know her. Maybe ask her next time exactly what kind of trauma she was reenacting when she was dating you.”

He’s said too much. Gakushu grinds his teeth together, before walking away.

Everyone behind him is struck silent as he walks past them.

————————————

The incident with Tsuchiya is soon forgotten with the increased workload of assassination practice.

Jelavic-sensei’s boss Lovro comes in and challenges her to a fight to kill Karasuma-sensei.

Gakushu watches the way Jelavic-sensei plans and prepares her assassination method. The way she combines seduction with sly tactics. It’s fascinating. Something about it is beautiful. Nagisa seems to be just as drawn to it as he is.

He tries not to think too much about what that could mean.

Then they recieve another transfer student, Itona Horibe. When the boy breaks right through the wall, Gakushu nearly jumps out of his chair again.

The boy pats Gakushu’s hair, and Gakushu nearly screams. The boy also pats Akabane’s hair.

“You two are probably the strongest of the class. But you’re weaker than me, so don’t worry I won’t kill you.”

Don’t worry? This kid was some sort of superhuman monster who can break through walls. How was everyone else not panicking?

The boy announces himself of Koro-sensei’s brother, then declares that he will kill Koro-sensei after school. He then behaves himself for the rest of the day. Gakushu is still uncomfortable all day, and when the bell rings and everyone else stays back to watch, Gakushu is already out of the door. He doesn’t want to watch this.

“Asano-kun, where are you going? Don’t you want to see what happens?” Nagisa asks.

“I have basketball today.” He says. It’s not a lie, but it doesn’t start for another hour. He’s already had a bad experience with Ritsu, he doubts this transfer student will be much better.

While a part of him is curious about the assassination attempt, he’s been so on edge today that he can’t stay here any longer or he’ll break down.

——————————————

Itona’s assassination attempt fails, just like he’d expected. The boy doesn’t come back to school after that, and Gakushu is relieved.

Soon, the rainy season ends and it starts to heat up. This is the time of the year that the inter-class ball game tournament occurs

E class participates in the exhibition match at the end. Gakushu remembers this mainly because he had tried to impress his father by leading A class to winning the tournament. Gakushu had put together a team and trained them vigorously.

Except no one in A class was much good other than him and Ren. Gakushu’s team hadn’t even made it past the first match. His father had constantly mocked him for that, and Gakushu had spent days strangely depressed, crying at night, hurt by his father’s words.

Gakushu was never bad at baseball, but it never interested him like basketball and soccer. He never tried to join the team, though he knew he could make it if he tried.

But now he has to go against the best of the baseball team during the exhibition match. He honestly isn’t sure if he’s good enough to beat the best of the best.

He remembers last year how E class won. It was awesome to watch, looking back.

The class starts deciding who’s going to be in the teams. Everyone looks to Sugino and Gakushu, the only two jocks in class.

Sugino looks down, “It’s impossible to win. We have practically no experience. The baseball team is really strong, especially Shindou, the current captain.”

Sugino looks up, face determined, “But despite that, I still want to win.”

Koro-sensei starts training them, and it’s insanely hard. Well, to most people. Gakushu and Sugino manage to keep up quite well. Gakushu has been training since he was a child, and with his father’s unrealistic expectations of him, he’s pushed himself harder than Koro-sensei is pushing them. He knows his pain tolerance is over the roof.

Sprained ankles and fractured wrists were normal for him, and he’d learnt to play through them.

“You’re not even tired Asano-kun?” Nagisa asks, with his hands on his knees, panting.

“Wow you sure are superhuman,” Sugino jokes, as Gakushu stands up tall, barely breathing hard.

Superhuman. People have applied that word to his father as well.

No one ever thinks about how he’s become this talented, this good at sports. They assume he was born this way; a child prodigy. He lets them continue to think that. They don’t need to pity him for how he spent his childhood working his body to the bone, then kept going until those bones were broken too.

Most child prodigies burn out. But Gakushu was never one of those. He was an average child pushed far too hard.

The only way for him to burn out is if he lets himself.

And until the day his father drives him over the side of the bridge again, he won’t let himself burn out.

Gakushu is honestly more excited about the girl’s basketball match though. He’s managed to bully Hazama into playing too.

“Don’t you want to accidentally poke someone’s eye out? Eye injuries are common while playing basketball, you know?” He badgered her.

She did not look amused.

“Fine, I’ll play. At least I’ll get to go home later if I stay afterschool to practice.” She looks resigned.

“Does your mom yell at you once you get home?” He asks.

“The old hag doesn’t like it when I start reading as soon as I get home. Wants me to get out of the house and get sunlight.” Her expression darkens, “And then the hag starts yelling insults and snatching my books from me. She threw one of my books in the fireplace and burnt it once because I was reading at dinner. Didn’t even give me money for the library fine, she made me pay it out of my own pocket.”

That rubs Gakushu wrong.

“You should start tutoring, if you want to get out of the house.” He offers, “There’s this place I go to and there’s a lot of kids that need help. I think you’ll be popular with the kids. Vampires are all the rage with them right now. Had one of them try to bite me so I could stay young forever and never leave them.”

Hazama looks slightly intrigued. “How old are they? Do they like vampire books? Have they read Cirque Du Freak? It’s a vampire children’s series.”

“I don’t know, maybe you should come ask them yourself.” Gakushu adds on a second thought, “Bring all your old books too. They only have like 5 books there.”

“Only 5 books? How do they survive?” She mutters.

After Kataoka catches him teaching Hazama to shoot the basketball, she ropes Gakushu into playing a match against her, one on one.

Kataoka is good. He’ll give her that.

He’s just better.

He sweeps in, snatches the ball from her and shoots it into the hoop.

“Damn, you’re good.” She pants.

Gakushu smiles, “You’re not half bad either.”

“How did you get this good?” Kayano asks. The other girls are behind her. They’ve been watching the match with Kataoka.

“I’ve been playing ever since I was 4.” He says, “In fact, I think the first time I played basketball was right here.”

He gestured towards the basketball hoop outside of the 3-E building. It brings back bittersweet memories of Ikeda.

“Why were you here when you were 4?” Kayano looks confused. The other girls look equally baffled.

“Did you know that this building used to be my father’s cram school? That’s why it’s called the ‘Old Campus’.”

“Whoa, seriously? Like your father used to teach in 3-E? And you used to come here as a kid?” Kataoka asks.

Gakushu closes his eyes, and remembers the phantom memories of being taught to hold a basketball by Ikeda. He recalls the soft laugh and the blond hair reflecting off the sunlight.

“It’s been a while, yeah, but I remember it.” He smiles sadly. “You know, I kind of really want you girls to win.”

He can almost feel Ikeda’s ghost lingering in this place.

“Really? I mean we want to win too, but why do you care about the girl’s team? No one really pays attention to us. It’s the baseball team that most of the school wants to see.”

Gakushu reaches out and presses his hand against the cool metal of the basketball hoop.

“There’s someone I knew who used to really like basketball.” He feels his voice is heavy with emotion, “He learnt to play right here with this hoop. He was the one who taught me to hold a basketball too. He’s the reason I still play basketball, to this day.”

He opens his eyes, and sees the 6 girls on the team staring at him with strange expressions on their faces. “I think it would be really fitting if we won. For him.”

Kayano is the first one to speak. Her eyes are sad too, like she’s also remembering someone close to her she’s lost.

“We’ll do it. Not just try to do our best, but we’ll win.” Her voice has a surprising heat to it. She’s usually quite passive, but right now, there’s something off about her. Like some kind of facade has cracked.

But Gakushu doesn’t have any time to ponder that.

Kataoka is looking him right in the eye.

“But we can’t do it without you. You’ll have to help us. Coach us, Asano-kun.”

Ikeda saved Gakushu. He wouldn’t be here, taking a second shot at life if it weren’t for him.

So Gakushu would do this for him, and hope that his spirit at the bridge can feel this.

He hopes that Ikeda can see this happening.


	7. When Every Starfall Brought you to Tears Again

Gakushu works with Kataoka, helping her plan out team positions and strategies. They’ll be going against opponents stronger than them, so they need to be clever about this.

The six girls on the team aren’t particularly skilled, but they have drive.

They ask him about Ikeda often. After all, they are doing this for him.

So he tells them everything. Well, nearly everything. He can’t tell them about the spirit and second life, but he tells them about him being one of his father’s first students.

Tells him about the gold leaf pin, about running through the forest together and how Ikeda would try to attack his father. He also tells them about the bullying and basketball club. He chokes out the word suicide.

It makes them cry, but it also makes them work harder.

At some point, Koro-sensei asks him if he’d rather drop out of playing baseball and focus solely on coaching the girls.

All the boys complain, after all, Gakushu is one of their most skilled players.

“It’s alright, Koro-sensei, I can do both.”

“It’s unfair for you to take on so much work when other students just as skilled as you get to laze about.” It’s an unsubtle dig at Akabane, who is clearly athletic, but refuses to play, “We have enough substitutes that we can manage without you. You’re clearly much more invested with helping the girls.”  
Gakushu can’t argue with that. And besides, the boy’s baseball team does win, he already knows that. They don’t really need him.

Even the first time around, Gakushu had been far more interested in the girl’s basketball exhibition than the boys exhibition match.

Despite being embarrassed from his loss, he’d gone to the Girl’s team and coached them, and cheered them on. He remembers being grudgingly impressed with the 3-E girls team. They didn’t have many tall people since they only had one class to pick from as opposed to a whole school of people. And yet, they still were very skilled. He could tell they put in lots of hard work.

So Gakushu thanks Koro-sensei before heading off to where the girls are practicing.

“Of course someone like him would rather prance around with the girls.” He hears someone mutter.

It makes Gakushu roll his eyes. Fucking misogynists and homophobes. He keeps walking.

“Hey come on, that was uncalled for!” Someone’s faint voice reaches him. It sounds familiar.

Gakushu feels a bit pleased that someone stood up for him, but puts it out of his mind.

He focuses on coaching their team, showing them new strategies and polishing the old ones.

By the next day, though, there’s a strange tension in class.

“Asano-kun,” Hazama whispers to him, “Why are half the baseball team glaring at the other half like they want to eat each other’s souls?”

“I don’t know, I’ve been trying to figure out why they’re avoiding looking at me.”

“Akabane, what happened?” Gakushu asks, “Why is everyone acting so strange? And why does Okajima-kun have a black eye?”

Akabane looks a bit uncomfortable.

“After practice, when we were walking home, he called you a fag because he was mad at you for leaving the baseball team.”

Gakushu tenses. He didn’t think anyone would go that far.

“Nagisa punched him.”

Gakushu blinks. Nagisa? Even in the past month, ever since the midterms, Gakushu knows he hasn’t been as close with Nagisa. Part of it is definitely due to him being a little afraid of Nagisa’s dark aura.

But if Nagisa stood up for him—  
Oh. He feels like a jerk now.

“I should thank him then.” Gakushu decides.

Akabane looks at him, knowingly.

“He is kind of scary when he gets like that, but he cares about us and wouldn’t hurt us, you know.” Akabane says, “Try to trust him. I don’t think he’s ever let me down.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

At lunch that day, Gakushu apologizes for not spending much time with him lately. Nagisa accepts the apology well, “It’s alright Asano-kun. I understand it must have been hard to adjust. E-class is certainly a handful this year.”

They smile at each other hesitantly.

“And thanks for defending me.” He says, “People don’t usually stand up for me. And well, whenever they do, it usually turns out bad.”

He winces as he remembers Kevin standing up to his father for him.

“People should stand up for you more.” Nagisa says, firmly, “You stand up for other people all the time. You stood up for Tsuchiya-chan when we were calling her a bitch and you stood up for the girls when we were ranking them on the field trip. I don’t know how the boys forgot already, but you stood up for us in front of the whole assembly. I don’t regret standing up for you at all, Asano-kun. Even if I get in trouble for it, I don’t care.”

Akabane was right, once again. Nagisa will never let him down.

“You can call me Gakushu.”

“Gakushu.” Nagisa pronounces the name tenderly, and then breaks down laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Gakushu is confused.

“It’s nothing, it’s just, Karma and I made a bet about when we thought you’d let us start calling you by your first name.” Nagisa hesitates, “And not just that, but I promised myself that whenever you trusted me enough to share your name, I would tell you something personal too. I just didn’t expect you tell me this soon. But that’s ok, I feel more than ready to share this with you.”

Nagisa takes a deep breath, “The reason I got punched Okajima-kun wasn’t just because I was standing up for you. I was also mad for my own sake, because I’m also a part of the LGBT community. I’m trans. I was born female.”

Nagisa looks at him carefully, gauging his reaction. Gakushu is a bit surprised, but not completely blindsided. Nagisa does look a bit feminine, but he’d never teased him about it, unlike Karma and Nakamura and the others. He could see how it made Nagisa uncomfortable.

“I support you fully, and let me know if you need help with anything, I’ve got your back.” He smiles, “This doesn’t change anything.”

Nagisa lets out a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Gakushu. I was kind of worried. My mom doesn’t support me, and while my dad does, he divorced my mom a while ago so I’m stuck with her.”

Gakushu nods, feeling a spark of anger towards Nagisa’s mother, “Does she use the wrong pronouns and dead-name you?”

Nagisa winces, “She keeps using female pronouns, but I didn’t have to change my name since it’s gender neutral. It still bothers me.”

“Does anyone else know?”

Nagisa shakes his head, “No one else here is openly queer, like you. I thought it was really cool by the way. The way you could just confidently say that you were gay and not care what other people think.”

“I do care what people think, it’s just, I only care what my father thinks of me. And he doesn’t care about my sexuality.”

Gakushu coming out had been very uneventful.

“ _I like boys.” He says flatly, at the table for breakfast._

_“I know. Me too. Just don’t let it get in the way of your studies. And if someone harasses you for it, punch them back.” His father flips through the newspaper._

“The school has an anti-discrimination only for gender identity, race and sexuality.” Gakushu snorts. “My father will encourage bullying of E class students but as long as it’s for our stupidity and not because of any other reason. If someone harasses you, just report them.”

“I know, that was one of the reasons I wanted to come to Kunugigaoka. It also has gender neutral bathrooms and locker rooms. In the main campus, at least.” He scowls.

The rest of the lunch hour goes by fast, with Nagisa and Gakushu bonding over being people who the majority of society will frown upon.

“Did you know several nations will stone me to death?”

“Did you know most hospitals will refuse to treat me as an actual human being?”

That one made them both wince.

“Are you on testosterone?” He asks, as they walk back home that afternoon.

“Not yet, I’m on puberty blockers right now. My father managed to get me an implant in my arm before he left a year ago. I have about 5 months left before it stops working.” Then he casually adds, “My mom doesn’t know about it.”

Gakushu stops short, “Wait, your mom doesn’t know about it? Then what will happen when it runs out?”

Nagisa bites his lip, “I don’t know. I’ll try to talk to her?”

He doesn’t sound very hopeful.

This leaves a bad taste in his mouth.

———————-

The days pass by, and soon, it’s time for the ball tournament.

Gakushu heads down to the gym with the girls, who are all pumped up and ready to win. The girls from the other classes sneer at them, or whisper loudly.

These insults are different from the ones the boys face. They are called sluts and whores. Bitches and hoes.

But the girls keep their heads high, not letting the insults phase them.

It hurts a little to see how much they’re used to this.

But they’re strong. So much stronger than most boys in the class give them credit for. They keep smiling, keep encouraging each other.

They all huddle up one final time before the match.

“Let’s do this, girls. For Ikeda.” Kataoka shouts, putting her hand in the middle of their huddle. One by one, all 7 of them place a hand on top of hers.

“For Ikeda. May his spirit Rest In Peace.” They shout together.

Gakushu rubs his eyes, and swallows the lump in his throat.

The team walks up to the court, spines straight, and eyes shining.

Kataoka shakes hands with the opposing team’s captain. The other captain flinches at Kataoka’s intense expression.

Then the coach blows the whistle. The match has begun.

The girls play fiercely, and everything he’s taught them pays off. They decimate the other team.

They leave them in the dust.

Their teamwork is impeccable, they’re all synchronized, passing the ball back and forth like they’ve been doing it it their whole life.

Everyone in the crowd is awestruck. The E class was totally destroying the best of the best.

When the game is over, Gakushu feels a part of him is strangely sad. This was the last thing he’d do for Ikeda, and it was over now.

He finally gets a sense of closure he didn’t know he needed.

Now he had to move on.

Get on with his own life.

And just maybe, he’d actually try to stay alive in his honor.

Though that was easier said than done.  
———————————

After the match is over, he finds himself caught in his father’s office. He holds his hands behind his back, to hide how they shake.

The man doesn’t speak, choosing to wait for several minutes, trying to break Gakushu with the silent stare. Gakushu is used to this though, and keeps his expression just bored, and taps his foot impatiently.

The Principal finally speaks up,

“You didn’t play with the E class. Why?”

Gakushu doesn’t hesitate to lie. No way he’s telling him the truth.

“Their win wouldn’t have been as dramatic if they saw me playing too. Most people still consider me to be A class.”

“So even from E class, you still try to put down my educational philosophy. I’m afraid you’ll have to try harder than that.” The Principal smiles at him. It throws Gakushu off guard, “Everyone’s been talking about the 3-E girls team and the basketball match. You coached them.”

“Maybe I did.” He replies tersely.

“The school board is demanding that I replace the girls basketball team with the E class girls, after seeing how skilled they are.”

That makes Gakushu feel proud.

“That must suck for you.”

The Principal stands up abruptly.

“You seem to be causing trouble no matter where I put you. Perhaps I should take you out of the school entirely. I could homeschool you.”

Gakushu’s breath hitches.

No. He couldn’t do that. Being taught by his father was…he would kill himself before he went through that again.

“Of course, I won’t do that.” His father says, and Gakushu sighs in relief, “After all, I do want you to be happy.”

Gakushu grits his teeth.

Yeah, right. He’s doing a great job of showing him that.

“Your friend Seo told me just today that you shouted at him, defending Tsuchiya-san after she cheated on him.” The Principal smirks, “I may have managed to convince him that you condoning cheating only started after being in E class for the month.”

“You brainwashed him into thinking E class is corrupting me?” Gakushu hisses, “You know there’s more to the story with Tsuchiya than meets the eye, Principal.”

“I’ll admit, the situation with her seems suspect. She doesn’t seem like the cheating type, but her actions were her choice.” The Principal dismisses it.

Gakushu doesn’t know what would happen if he told his father about Tsuchiya’s situation. He knows that despite the man’s flaws, he wouldn’t ignore something like this.

But could he really do anything? Gakushu isn’t ignorant to Japan’s flaws when it comes to child abuse at the hands of the powerful. No many how many times it gets reported, the cases always end up ignored.

He’s seen the statistics. But is that still a reason not to speak up? Should he at least try?

But what if Tsuchiya doesn’t want this becoming public? What if speaking up and failing at getting her out of there only makes things worse?

Gakushu doesn’t know. What’s the right choice here? What does he need to do? Why is this so hard?

He needs to tell his father about Tsuchiya’s home situation. It’s the obvious choice.

But he’s afraid. He doesn’t understand why he feels this way, but he’s afraid of opening his mouth. Afraid of speaking the truth to the man who has hurt him just as much as Tsuchiya’s father has hurt her.

So despite the feelings of guilt and shame, he keeps his mouth shut.

When he’s finally dismissed from the office with a warning to remember his place, he looks over his shoulder before he leaves the room.

“I did it for Ikeda, you know.” He can feel the air in the room turn cold, but he keeps going, “Ikeda taught me to play basketball on that very same hoop up on the hill, remember. I think he would have liked it if the team I coached up there won.”

Gakushu turns around, facing his father, who is far too still.

“I think he’d like it if E class did well, in general. It was the classroom he considered practically home, after all—“

“Enough.” His father snaps, slamming his hands on the table with a bang.

Gakushu jumps.

“Leave.” His father’s shoulders are shaking, and his face is twisted.

Gakushu leaves the office, and sinks to the floor next to the door, his spine pressed against the cool wall.

He wraps his arms around himself and squeezes his eyes shut.

He made his father react like that. He made his father glitch.

Again.

Last time, it was satisfying.

But why does it feel so different this time?

(Because this time it looked like he was about to cry)

————————

He knows the drill by now. Move on and pretend it never happened. Every conflict that leaves his father emotionally vulnerable is never brought up again. Swept under the rug.

Except some things can’t just go away.

After school that day, Gakushu gets a phone call. He already knows who it is.

“Hey, Gakushu,” Ren says, when he picks up, “Umm, congrats at your class’s win?”

“Stop pretending with that fake cheeriness, Ren.” Gakushu snaps, “3-A lost horribly today. And we both know how the Principal treats failure. Tell me what’s wrong. What did the Principal tell you?”

Ren hesitates, “It was nothing. Just the usual failure speech. But... he interrogated Seo. Forced out the whole story with Tsuchiya. Then he said that you were getting corrupted by 3-E.”

Gakushu clenches his fists. It’s one thing for his father to try to manipulate him, he knew all his father’s tricks and could avoid them. But his friends. That was different.

“Do you believe him?”

“No.” Ren says, vehemently. “The other three do. But I don’t. It just doesn’t add up.”

Gakushu blinks. He didn’t expect Ren to say that.

“He talks about you getting corrupted in E class like you choose to stay there or something.” Gakushu winces, “You obviously must have asked to come back to the main campus after the midterms, and the Principal is the one who refused and forced you to stay in E class. There’s no way he’d let you stay there if you’re actually getting corrupted. He’s just trying to tear our friendship apart.”

“You’re...partially correct.” Gakushu says at last, “I’m not getting corrupted and he’s trying to punish you for your loss and punish me for—other things—by tearing our friendship apart. But I choose to stay, Ren.”

There is silence.

“What?” Ren explodes, “Why would you want to stay with E class? Sure, they might not be as horrible as we thought, but it’s all the way up the mountain with no air conditioning and barely any staff. And no clubs. Don’t you want to come back and be our president? Or tutor us, or lead the soccer team?”

Don’t you want to be friends with us? Is the unspoken question.

Gakushu’s voice comes out choked, “I do. I swear, I really do. I just...I can’t be near him, Ren.”

It’s not a lie. Even though he started off on edge in E class, he can already feel himself relaxing a little. Without the constant knowledge that his father is nearby, that his father is watching, he feels much more relaxed. Even if the constant assassinations make up for it, it still feels different.

“But what about us? You’ve left us all alone with the Principal. He’s tearing us apart, and you won’t even try to fight for us?” Ren’s voice is thick with emotion.

“I—I—“ Gakushu squeezes his eyes shut, “Ren, you have no idea how hard it is living with him. No idea. Can’t I get a break? I always try to protect you guys, but none of you can protect me. You don’t even try. So just let me get a break. Let me have this, okay? I can’t go back to the main campus. I thought I liked it there, and part of me did...but…”

Gakushu remembers Akabane sneaking him earplugs and Nagisa punching Okajima in his defense.

Ren was the only one who always tried to be there for him, like Nagisa and Akabane did. While the other Virtuosos were nice enough, their friendship was nowhere as deep.

Even Hazama and Isogai were closer to him than Seo, Araki or Koyama.

“I am trying to help you! We all are. We’re trying, okay? We’re trying to get you back to main campus—“

“I don’t want to be back at main campus, Ren.” He says slowly.

The call goes silent for a long moment.

“Are you happy there?” Ren’s voice is quiet, “Tell me the truth, are you really doing better than before?”

“Yes.” Gakushu says, and he surprises himself with how quickly the answer comes to mind.

It wasn’t by much. He was still anxious and jumpy, the thoughts in his head were just as dark, but sometimes, just sometimes, he felt alright.

“Then...I wish you the best, Asano-kun.” Gakushu is taken aback at the sudden, yet intentional use of his last name, “I won’t try talking to you again. Maybe...you’re better off not being friends with us. We were never good enough to help you, anyways.”

It chills Gakushu how those words aren’t the slightest bit sarcastic. Ren means it. Ren thinks he was the one who was making Gakushu depressed. Despite how much it must hurt Ren, he’s cutting himself off from Gakushu because he thinks that’s what Gakushu needs.

“Ren, wait—that’s not true—“

The call ends.

Gakushu curls up in his bed, letting the tears run down his face. The crushing weight of losing a friend suffocates his lungs. Was this how Ren must have felt when Gakushu hung up on him that fateful night he jumped off the bridge? Even though Ren was still alive, it hurt just as much as if he’d died.

Because he can’t possibly imagine it hurting anymore than it does right now.

He doesn’t move until it’s time for dinner.

Dinner with his father.

He knows he’s going to do something stupid in this emotional state.

But he’s angry enough to not care at all.

—————————————————

Right before even taking a bite of dinner, he glares right at his father. Forcing the man to see his bloodshot eyes and tear stained face.

“Why are you trying to tear my friendship apart?” His voice is too emotional. Not controlled enough.

His father raises an eyebrow in disdain at his visible emotional state.

“I’m not trying to tear anything apart. I just want you to be aware of the consequences of your choices.”

“What choices? I didn’t do anything wrong.” He snaps. His shoulders tense.

“Asano-kun, you had the choice to come back to the main campus. You chose not to. In this school, if you stay in E class, you must be hated by the rest of the campus. If you choose to come to the main campus, you must be hated by E class.”

Gakushu remembers Takebayashi. His speech talking down on E class. He knows his father isn’t bluffing. He will make E class hate him.

“You can’t be loved by both sides if I want my education system to succeed. You see, it’s nothing personal.”

Gakushu stands up. The cutlery slams down with a clink.

“What do you mean, it’s nothing personal? I’m your son. You treated your student Ikeda more as a son than you’ve ever treated me as one.” He snarls.

“Stop bringing him up, you know nothing about him.” His father snaps, standing up as well. He’s getting upset. Gakushu needs to stop. He’s going too far. But he doesn’t.

“I was 5 years old when he died. I was old enough to remember him, father. Being back on the old campus only brings back even more memories, okay. But unlike you, I choose to stay up on the hill and enjoy the memories rather than avoiding the place altogether and hiding from it.”

Gakushu knows that was too much. He’s known it right from the start that yelling at his father was not a good idea.

His father’s fist connects with Gakushu’s jaw. Gakushu is knocked into the side of the chair, the sharp edges digging into his ribs. Those would leave bruises.

He manages to stay upright, by pushing out his arms to keep his balance.

His father looks as he always does after these incidents. Shocked.

Gakushu doesn’t bother speaking, he doesn’t even think he’s capable of it with how badly his jaw hurts. He mechanically grabs ice from the freezer and heads up to his room. Moving through muscle memory.

He sits on the floor, and stares at the wall with the ice held to his jaw until the skin there goes numb. He falls asleep with the bag of ice melting away by his side.

When he wakes up, the ice is gone, and he’s in bed, with the covers pulled up.

His father doesn’t mention it at the breakfast table.

Gakushu doesn’t either.


	8. Well, They Encourage your Complete Cooperation

Gakushu simply uses the excuse of soccer when his classmates ask him about the bandage on his jaw. He can lie without a bat of his eye, after all these years of lying about it. His father really only hit him every other month or so, so it never seemed suspicious to anyone. 

And yet, part of him feels a bit disappointed that nobody’s noticed. 

The days pass, and everyone switches to the summer uniform. Despite Gakushu feeling more down than usual, he hides it well, faking his smiles and continuing on as he always does.

“You don’t need to pretend in front of me. Save the effort for when you’re around Nagisa.” Akabane says, quietly. They’ve been sparring casually during lunch, teaching each other moves while Nagisa catches up with Kayano and his other friends. 

Gakushu lets the smile drop from his face.

“How can you tell?” Gakushu’s had to learn to read expressions for years. It was the only way he could read his father’s emotions, given that the man had a poker face so solid it took Gakushu five years of his life to start being able to understand it.

Why would Akabane know this though?

“That’s for me to know and for you to find out,” he says, casually. 

Gakushu rolls his eyes, and then launches a tornado kick at the red-head.

Akabane Karma has always been a mystery to him, and yet, he doesn’t scare Gakushu. He’s dangerous, but has always been trustworthy.

Lazy, yet secretly hardworking. He’s a series of contradictions. 

And maybe that’s why Gakushu feels drawn to him.

————————————————-

Karasuma Tadaomi has noticed an improvement in the number of students with potential, in the 4 months he’s come here.

He shouts out advice and corrections to the two fighting him right now.

Isogai Yuuma and Maehara Hiroto. They’re a combination who get along well and have excellent reflexes. These two alone have increased the number of successful knife hits against him.

They attack him from two different angles, and Karasuma swiftly dodges, but the two aptly follow up, getting him in the chest. 

He’s impressed.

“Good! You two gain a point each. Next!” He calls out.

Akabane steps up next. 

Akabane Karma; at first glance, he comes off as being a lazy sort, but there’s a strange, twisted sort of mischief in his eyes.

After a failed attempt at attacking him, Akabane calls out, “Hey Asano. Gimme a hand here, will ya?”

Then Asano Gakushu steps up, rolling his eyes. He mutters something about horrible coordination and worse possible pairing.

Which, Karasuma has to agree with. Asano and Akabane together are a train wreck ready to happen. And yet, it has to be one of his favorite spars of all.

Several students stop to watch as Asano brandishes his knife.

And they’re off. 

Asano strikes from one side, Akabane from the other. They both move fast. Way too fast for normal teens. But whereas Akabane has a presence, Asano doesn’t. Which is why Karasuma knows he has to keep his eyes on Asano while fighting back Akabane from behind him.

Most people have a presence, no matter how subtle. It was the way you could hear their breathing or the slight rustle of their clothing. The dirt and grass under one’s feet would make a noise no matter what.

Or it should.

Asano Gakushu is invisible if you don’t have your eyes locked right on him.

And that was worrying.

Even his father, Gakuhou Asano—the Principal—didn’t mask his presence to that extent. The Principal specialized in the opposite, in fact—making his presence as large and suffocating as possible. That predator’s gaze was missing in his son. 

Asano Gakushu had the eyes of not the predator, but the prey. He looked like he was terrified out of his mind, but was fighting anyways.

Within a flash, Asano performs a masterful move, backflipping and wrapping his legs around Karasuma’s neck.

Or he would have, if Akabane hadn’t performed a knee sweep at the same time.

It was a mess, Karasuma fell backwards the same time Asano was trying to grapple him from the top. They all went in the wrong directions. 

Asano falls, right into Akabane. 

And strangely, he doesn’t look afraid in the slightest. He looks calm.

And Akabane catches him.

These two are so chaotic, that it actually works for them.

The two of them use the momentum that can only come from landing on someone to launch back out at Karasuma.

It happens so fast.

Karasuma is faced with this horrible, desperate killing intent. So painful and twisted.

For a second, he forgets where he even is.

“Sensei?”

He opens his eyes.

The knife that faces him is Asano’s, and the boy has an almost...scared expression. 

What in the world is up with Asano?

Then he notices Akabane, smirking at him from behind. A knife presses into his back. 

Both of them got him. 

They are both incredibly independent and stubborn, so that often leads to miscommunication, like in this case. And yet, they have trust in each other. Trust that they can take any of the consequences and twist them to their needs.

Karasuma doesn’t even know what to say.

While the class goes back to what they were doing, he can still see a few glares directed at Asano. 

He isn’t sure what to do about that either. While he was used to breaking up fights, he wasn’t trained in handling middle school drama. To be honest, none of the teachers were, since, well. He looks over at Koro-Sensei and Irina. None of them actually are teachers. 

But it’s been days since Okajima walked in with a black eye and half the boys wouldn’t so much as speak to each other. There’s been a strange tension ever since the field trip, but he has no clue as to what it is.

The damned octopus seems to know what’s up, but refuses to tell him. 

“ _This is something that they will have to figure out on their own. Us intervening will only make things worse. This is a life experience they will all eventually have to face, and I would like for them to learn to navigate it without my help.”_

Karasuma had no idea what the creature was talking about.

Though the whole situation was kind of familiar, he couldn’t quite place it.

He snaps out of his thoughts and calls up the next student.

Nagisa Shiota.

———————————————

Gakushu watches carefully as Nagisa attacks Karasuma-sensei. The man doesn’t even notice. Until Nagisa gets up close.

He sees Karasuma’s terrified expression, a moment before his elbow goes swinging out, slamming into Nagisa.

“Nagisa?” He runs up towards where the boy is sprawled across the grass. 

Karasuma-sensei runs up as well, apologizing.

Nagisa is fine, or at least he says he is.

So that strange aura Nagisa has...it really wasn’t Gakushu and Akabane exaggerating things. He’s used to being the one making a big deal over everything. And Akabane seems to have trust issues. But this time, it really was real. There is something off about Nagisa.

Well, people could say the same about him, so Gakushu shrugs it off, and helps Nagisa to his feet.

————————————————-

When Takaoka-Sensei walks in, introducing himself and treating them to sweets, Gakushu just stays away. While he does like sweets, he’s too wary of the man to trust the sweets to not be drugged. The way Takaoka-Sensei acts just makes his skin crawl. He stands to the side next to Akabane, who just glares at the new teacher with his hands in his pocket.

“Hey, come on you two!” Takaoka-Sensei calls out to them with a fake smile, “Don’t you want some cakes? There’s plenty for everyone.”

“No thanks.” Akabane says, flatly. “My parents taught me not to accept sweets from strangers.”

Takaoka-Sensei’s smile falters.

“I’m no stranger, obviously. I’ve been approved by your principal and the Ministry of Defence.”

“Of course, Takaoka-Sensei,” Gakushu faked a smile, “If my father approved of you, you must be trustworthy.” 

Akabane and Nagisa try to muffle their laughter at the obvious sarcasm. 

“Your father? You must be the Principal’s son, then. I’ve heard a lot about you from him.”

Just great.

“All good things, I hope?”

“Definitely!” Takaoka-Sensei pats him on the back, laughing. Gakushu tenses at the unwanted touch. “He says you’ll be my best student. In fact he says, that _you_ could teach me a thing or two. I know, hilarious right! So why don’t you join in. Have a cake.”

Gakushu could teach him a thing or two? Why would his father say that?

“Oh, I would love to, but I can’t, sadly. I have allergies.” He lies smoothly.

“Well, that’s a shame.” 

Luckily, the man just pats him one more time, before moving on.

Gakushu joins Akabane in glaring at the man.

When Akabane tells him later that afternoon that he isn’t going to come to school the next day, and tells him to skip as well, Gakushu is very tempted to listen to the other boy.

Something was very off about Takaoka-Sensei, and he was scared.

“ _But what about us? You’ve left us all alone with him. He’s tearing us apart, and you won’t even try to fight for us.”_

Gakushu exhales, Ren’s words sticking in his head. 

Because Ren was right. Gakushu can only let his weakness and fear justify him running away for so long. So what if he was afraid? 

If there really is something about Takaoka that justifies his fears, then he couldn’t just walk away and leave his classmates to deal with it on their own.

He can’t go back for his friends at the main campus, but he can be there for the ones at E class. 

His father was right too, in a way. Both choices have consequences. And if he has to pay for them, he’ll do it with his head held high.

———————————————-

Gakushu looks at the new schedule. The sheet crumples from how tightly he’s gripping it.

Training from 12 pm till 9 pm. He wasn’t entirely against the idea—he’s used to training for hours a day and staying up past midnight to study, but he knows the others aren’t used to a schedule this vigorous. And how was he supposed to keep up with his extracurriculars this way? What about soccer, basketball, guitar, and tutoring?

“You’re kidding, right?” 

His classmates look horrified, staring at the schedule with wide eyes.

“This much is a given,” Takaoka-Sensei smiles, “I got the Principal’s approval as well. He said, ‘The earth is in a time of crisis, so there’s no helping it.’”

Gakushu grits his teeth. That does sound like something his father would say. And yet...that’s not really his style. He knows that doing this would make their grades drop. But he knew his father and the kinds of tactics he prefered. His father preferred subtler, underhanded tactics. Not obvious, aggressive ones like this. 

And he still expected Gakushu to carry on with extracurriculars and his advanced studies. A class or E class, his father would never, ever, lower the standards he has for his son. It would be impossible for him to carry on with his usual activities with this schedule. And his father knows this.

Which means...this is all a ploy. What is the Principal trying to do?

“ _You could teach me a thing or two.”_

What was that supposed to mean?

“Just a—hold on a second.” Maehara exclaims, “This schedule is impossible! If this is all the time we’ll get to study, our grades will drop. The Board Chairman knew that when he approved it.”

Takaoka-Sensei’s expression shifts slightly. It makes Gakushu nervous. It’s the expression his father gets before he glitches. 

He needs to stop Maehara.

“And there’s no time for us to have fun either. There’s no way in hell we can do this—-“

Gakushu sees the man move.

He knows what’s going to happen, when he sees the man raise his knee.

He steps in between them.

Takaoka-Sensei stops short, seeing Gakushu and his innocent smile.

“Just ignore him, Sensei, he’s just a bit stressed. I know that our class can handle it.”

None of the class had even noticed what was about to happen. They all continue complaining, ignorantly. Except for Nagisa. The boy has wide eyes, staring at Gakushu.

He saw it.

Saw the way Takaoka was about to hit them.

That can’t mean anything good.

“That’s the spirit! In this class, we can do anything. Now, let's start off with three sets of 100 squats!”

The students all complain, but when Takaoka threatens to have anyone who drops out replaced, most of them go silent.

Then he towers over Kanzaki, wrapping an arm around her.

It makes Gakushu’s skin crawl.

“Alright? You’ll follow your Father, won’t you?”

Even Gakushu’s own father wasn’t as sickeningly cloying as this man.

“Well—I um—“ she looks up, smiling politely, “I don’t want to. I’d rather have class with Karasuma-Sensei.”

Takaoka glitches.

And Gakushu moves before his brain can catch up with his body.

He steps between them, shoving Kanzaki to the side. 

And the hand comes down on him, with a loud slap.

Gakushu unconsciously grinds his teeth together to keep himself from biting his tongue.

He tucks his head in as he hits the ground hard, and throws his arms out to keep his spine from taking too much of the pressure.

His jaw throbs, but compared to his father, Takaoka’s hit is nothing special. And that’s when he realizes why his father hired the man.

He sent him to E class knowing what Takaoka’s educational philosophy was. And he knew that Gakushu was the only one who could take his hits and still spit in his face. 

He wanted Gakushu to destroy Takaoka’s philosophy forever.

And since destroying educational philosophies is his speciality, after all. So why not?

He smiles up at Takaoka, baring his teeth.

“Is that the best you’ve got, Sensei?” He mocks, as his classmates cry out, and come running towards him, “Try hitting me a little harder next time, it might actually hurt then.”

Takaoka looks shaken at Gakushu’s grin. He clearly didn’t expect him to take Kanzaki’s hit for her. Takaoka’s entire philosophy works around the students being afraid of him. But seeing a student take someone else’s hit for them willingly—well, it makes the students think.

Makes them realize that they can help each other out, stand up for each other.

They can revolt.

So when Takaoka raises a foot to go and stomp Gakushu while he’s still on the ground, they don’t let him.

Kanzaki and Nagisa hold him back. 

They grab his arms and twist them behind him.

While Takaoka is stalled, Hazama helps Gakushu sit up.

“Stop, Takaoka!” Karasuma-Sensei runs down to where Takaoka is trying to shove off Kanzaki and Nagisa.

The two let go of Takaoka when Karasuma-Sensei gets there.

“Are you alright?” Karasuma-Sensei inspects his wound, “Is there any pain in your neck?”

“No, I’m perfectly fine, Karasuma-Sensei.” Gakushu forces a smile.

Karasuma-Sensei pauses for a second before awkwardly reaching out and ruffling his hair, “That was brave of you.”

Gakushu blinks at the unexpected sign of affection. It really isn’t Karasuma-Sensei’s style. But it feels genuine. He doesn’t remember the last time any adult was genuinely this affectionate towards him.

“Yeah, thanks, Asano-kun. You didn’t have to do that for me, though,” Kanzaki smiles softly.

“Don’t worry about the brat. I’m making sure to hold back, you know, Karasuma.” Takaoka grins, nervously, “They’re my precious family, so that’s a given.”

“No. They are not your family. They are my students.” Koro-Sensei places a tentacle on Takaoka’s shoulder threateningly.

“Koro-Sensei!” The class sighs in relief.

“Heh. Is that a complaint I hear, monster?” Takaoka goes on to manipulate the situation, explaining how the punishment was perfectly within bounds of corporal punishment. He uses Koro-Sensei’s teaching ideology against him.

It’s a crude form of manipulation, even Gakushu could do better. But it’s effective. Koro-Sensei backs off.

Gakushu gets back on his feet, ignoring the soreness throughout his body.

His father wanted him to take this man down, and so Gakushu would. Not just for his father’s, but for the sake of his classmates as well.

But this man clearly has something else up his sleeve. So Gakushu would play along until it was time to take him down.

The 300 squats certainly weren’t easy for Gakushu, but they were manageable. He’s been through tougher training regimes as a child, desperately trying to push his body past the limits to impress his father.

The other students were struggling, and they weren’t even past 100 yet.

“This is no joke—“

“We’re going to die—“

“Karasuma-sensei—“ Hinano gasps out.

“Oi! Karasuma isn’t a part of the family. Children who don’t rely solely on their father must get—“ he winds his fist up. Not a slap this time, but a hard, closed fist. 

_A fist._

“—Punished.“

Karasuma-Sensei catches the fist from behind.

The man moved so fast, Gakushu could barely see.

“Don’t be any rougher with the students. If you want to get violent, I will be your opponent.” 

“Karasuma-sensei.” They cry out, relieved.

But Gakushu is still tense. He knows that Takaoka won’t accept Karasuma’s challenge. He’s after something else.

“I don’t intend to keep going like this either. So we’ll decide with this.” Takaoka holds out a knife, “Karasuma, choose a student you would recommend out of the ones you’ve raised. They’ll fight against me, and if they even manage to hit me once with the knife, I’ll acknowledge that your teaching methods were better than mine.”

Gakushu watches with bated breath as Takaoka takes out a real knife.

“Stop it, they’re not prepared to use a real knife!” Karasuma-Sensei shouts.

“No problem, Sensei, I’ve trained with a real knife since I was 10.” Takaoka goes pale at the way Gakushu stares at him, “I’ve got no problem killing you either. It’s not like they can press charges without revealing what was going on up here, anyways.”

“Asano-kun!” Karasuma-Sensei shouts.

But Gakushu isn’t joking. He’s not some murderous psycho or anything, but if it absolutely came down to it, if there was no other option, he sees no problem with killing. 

After all, he’s already killed himself and he’s expected to kill Koro-Sensei. 

“No. Not him, choose anyone other than that brat, he doesn’t count if he already had experience.” 

“What? Are you _scared_?” Gakushu channels his inner Akabane with his drawl, “And they expect you to train a bunch of _assassins_ when you’re afraid of their killing intent? Maybe I should talk to my father about your lacking qualifications if that’s the case.

“Fine. You can attack me with the rubber knife. Karasuma, choose someone else who has to attack me with the real knife. Both of you get to fight me at the same time. Is that fair?” Takaoka acts casual, but he can see him sweat.

Karasuma looks conflicted for a moment. Gakushu already knows who he’s going to pick.

Karasuma walks over to Nagisa. Everyone looks surprised. Except for a handful of boys who already have seen Nagisa’s killing intent in person when he punched Okajima.

Gakushu knows what Takaoka is trying to do. If he can’t scare Gakushu, he’ll at least scare one other student, to set the mood for the rest of the class.

But he’s definitely underestimating the closeted killing intent of Nagisa Shiota.

Five minutes later, Takaoka is on the ground. With Nagisa’s knife around his throat and Gakushu’s rubber knife against his heart.

Gakushu had lured the man into a false sense of security by deliberately slowing down his moves. In the middle of their fight, Nagisa just walked right in. Walked past them, and up to Takaoka, taking him down. 

It was exactly what he’d been planning for, to lower Takaoka’s guard enough for Nagisa to slip right through.

They both released their killing intent at the exact same time, reducing the man to a shaking mess.

Koro-Sensei takes the knife from Nagisa, and everyone rushes up to congratulate them.

Well, except for Okajima and his band of friends who just look embarrassed and conflicted.

Whatever. 

And then the Principal walks in, holding dismissal papers. The man had clearly planned on this right from the start. Manipulative bastard.

After dismissing Takaoka, his father walks away. But not before offering an approving nod to Gakushu.

He refuses to take any pleasure from it.

It totally doesn’t leave him with a warm feeling in his chest.


	9. Fear came to my house years ago, I let him in.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: anxiety attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I’m worried that it comes off like I’m romanticizing mental health issues, so I tried to write the anxiety attack scene as realistically as I could, let me know what you think!

As the summer continues to go on, Gakushu finds himself slowly feeling the pain of loss fade. He still hasn’t forgotten about Ren, but life carries on, and he keeps going too.

As it starts to heat up even more, Gakushu and the entire class start to sweat with the lack of air conditioning. He ignores the heat and stays concentrated on his lesson. Though he definitely gets annoyed when even Koro-Sensei lets the heat get to him and teaches with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.

Eventually, the man gives up on teaching and brings them to a pool.

“I’d rather stay in and study.” Gakushu says, as he unwillingly walks down with his class. He doesn’t actually follow the lesson Koro-Sensei taught, he still works on his own advanced coursework, just like he did in A class. And he needed to make progress with his exponential functions. 

“How are you the only one not distracted by the heat, Gakushu?” Nagisa asks, fanning his face, “You came from A class. Shouldn’t you be used to the AC?”

Gakushu is a bit irked at the way everyone seems to think he’s some sort of pampered prince, and so his explanation might have come out a little too harsh.

“We don’t have AC’s in our house.” Gakushu says, tensely. “My father used to teach here, remember? This place never had AC, so he got used to tolerating the heat. And my father doesn’t want me to be spoiled, so he never gave me the luxury of AC either.”

His classmates who overheard him are all looking at him surprised. They clearly didn’t expect the principal to be one for humility.

“Having AC doesn’t make you spoiled though.” Nagisa says, confused.

“It’s not a big deal, a lot of people can’t afford AC. It’s better for the environment and everything too.” Isogai speaks up, smiling at him. That’s right, Isogai must understand too. He wasn’t looking too distraught at the heat either.

Most of his classmates were looking thoughtful now. The heat they were suffering through was frustrating when reminded of all the main campus kids who had it better that’s them. But it puts it into context to remember that they aren’t the only ones going through this. Many, many schools around the globe don’t have the luxuries that they do.

But they manage, and make the best of it.

So they can too.

—————————-

Gakushu didn’t realize what it would mean to be in a pool until he was standing at the edge of one.

He doesn’t remember much of his death.

Drowning takes about 7 minutes to kill.

He was unconscious after the first 2. 

The panic and pain had drowned him just as much as the water had. It had been cold, so, so cold, chilling his bones.

He can’t do this. He can’t swim.

So he sits out next to Hazama. He ignores the questioning looks of his friends, who clearly expected him to take the opportunity to practice his swimming. He was good at everything, after all.

When Koro-sensei tries to cajole the both of them into swimming, Hazama merely says the water demons don’t like her.

Gakushu admits that he’s afraid of drowning. He wasn’t speaking too loud, but someone overheard him.

“Did you just say you’re afraid of drowning?” Sugaya asks, incredulously, “You stood up to Takaoka but you’re afraid of water?—Oh wait, sorry. That was kind of rude of me to judge your fears. I should have thought before I blurted it out.” He rubs his neck sheepishly. 

Gakushu shrugs off the apology, but word still makes its way around. Now everyone in class knows his greatest fear.

It worries him, how much they know about him.

After a bit of boredom, Gakushu looks carefully at the fish viewing mechanisms Koro-sensei attached to the pool.

The pool is amazing. Gakushu can admit that Koro-Sensei thinks of everything. Just how smart is this man? 

Not as much as he should be, apparently, Gakushu thinks glumly as Koro-sensei holds out his snack for Kayano to grab onto as she drowns.

It isn’t funny, he knows that. It doesn’t hit him until he sees her sink under the water that it’s real.

And it hits him hard.

She’s drowning.

It’s so cold—the panic—pain—-the water—-lungs—-

Gakushu is scared. So scared he himself is ready to leap in to save her, anxiety be damned, but before he can move, Kataoka dives in.

She’s crazy fast.

Kayano is saved by Kataoka wrapping her arms around her and pulling her over.

It looks strangely intimate, the way Kataoka life’s Kayano’s chin gently. Gakushu feels like he should look away.

So he looks away, and tries to calm his own mind.

Later, Kayano gushes over Kataoka, “You know when she jumped in and saved me before, she was so cool that I think I might have fallen for her.*”

Gakushu is a little surprised at Kayano being openly queer, though he shouldn’t be. 

It’s just surprising because the girl’s side of the class isn’t trapped in a civil war like the boys are.

That might have to do more with the fact that lesbian relationships were mostly just seen as ‘close friendships’. They were rarely actually considered real to most people. Just girls kissing to practice until they can get a boy.

Stupid, and completely invalidating. And yet, it was better in some ways. 

It still made something in Gakushu long— crave for something he couldn’t even make out when he recalls Kataoka’s too-emotional response to Kayano drowning. The way they looked at each other afterwards.

Why didn’t anyone do that for him?

Why did he have to actually drown?

That was what he’d wanted, and yet…

This train of thoughts sticks with him even as he walks home with Akabane after parting ways with Nagisa.

“I can practically hear you thinking, Asano. What is it?” Akabane probes, as Gakushu drops the fake smile he’d put up for Nagisa.

“Do you think…” Gakushu didn’t want to put this into words. Of course, anyone who heard this would be concerned, which he didn’t want. But at the same time, he needed to know. He needed to know if it was true or not.

“Do you think anyone would save me if I drown?” 

Akabane stops short. In the middle of a busy street. People yell at them.

“Nagisa would save you.” Akabane speaks, “Koro-sensei would, Hazama would, hell, everyone in the class would, even the ones that hate you still respect you enough to save you.”

“You’re right. They would. But...” Gakushu’s voice was faint. “...would my father save me?”

Akabane’s expression darks, “Why does that matter more than everyone else, Asano?”

“What?”

“I said your friends would save you. Everyone would save you. Why do you still care about the principal the most?”

The question of the year. Gakushu sighs, staring down at his shoes.

“I just do, okay.“

“That’s fucked up, you know.”

They keep walking.

“I know,” he whispers. There’s nothing he can do about it, no matter how much he tried to delude himself into thinking he didn’t care the first time around, he just ended up making stupid decisions, playing right into his father’s hands.

When even being backhanded across the face only made him smile, there was no way he could keep deluding himself.

He cared. And he shouldn’t. 

As Akabane so politely phrased it, it was ‘fucked up’.

(It also doesn’t escape his notice that Akabane never once said that _he_ would save Gakushu.)

—————————-

The pool is destroyed. 

The class stares dejectedly at the mess. Well, most of them do. Gakushu is rather relieved, at least that means he won’t have to swim.

Terasaka and his two friends are smirking.

When Koro-sensei fixes it up in the span of 5 seconds, and Terasaka grits his teeth, Gakushu’s theory is confirmed.

It was those three who did it.

But why?

“Was it you, Asano?” Okajima accuses, loudly for the whole class to hear. “I bet it was. You were the only one who’s afraid of drowning.”

“This is ridiculous. Don’t accuse Asano, of all people, he wouldn’t do this.” Sugino interrupts.

“But he’s an Asano, I wouldn’t put it beneath him,” Okajima’s friend points out, helpfully.

Some of his classmates start to look conflicted.

Gakushu feels a little hurt that they think so little of him just for who his father is, but he shrugs it off. Sometimes he thinks that way of himself just because of who his father is.

Gakushu forces himself to talk casually, “Even if I wanted to, when would I even get the time to do so?”

“Yeah right, it’s not like you have that much to do anyways, now that you’re off all the school activities. Tell us, do you have an alibi?”

“You kidding me?” Akabane scoffs, “‘What do you mean ‘it’s not like you have much to do anyways’? This bore over here drowns himself in volunteer work and plays every single sport there is out of school. He doesn’t even get home until midnight, I doubt he’d have time to vandalize.”

“I only play soccer, basketball, and the guitar, Akabane. And don’t exaggerate, I get home at least an hour before midnight.”

“You do karate, figure skating, and the piano as well.” Nagisa adds on.

“Those are weekends only,” Gakushu emphasizes. But the class is still gawking at him as if he’s some sort of alien creature.

“You get home an hour before midnight? How are you on top of the class?”

“I only need three hours a day to study.” He dismisses the comment, ignoring the sarcastic ‘only?’ he hears in response. 

“You go to sleep at 2 am everyday?” Hazama asks.

“Is that not normal?” Some other girl comments.

“We aren’t talking about fucked up sleep schedules, we’re talking about him destroying school property.” Okajima tries to steer the conversation back onto track, “He’s the most suspicious of them all, he’s practically superhuman—“

Then Terasaka kicks Okajima into the pool.

What. The. Hell?

“Shut the fuck up, you’re so annoying. Superhuman? He bleeds red just the same as the rest of us do, in case you idiots didn't notice the color of his blood from his wounds when Takaoka whaled on him.”

The class suddenly looks guilty at the sudden reminder of the incident.

“You fuckheads forgot that already? If you’re going to be weak, then at least respect those stronger than you.” The way he stares at Gakushu when he says that and nods, surprises him. He was talking about himself, “And stop making up this stuff, Okajima. It’s obvious that I’m the one responsible for fucking the pool up.”

Terasaka smirks at the sudden gasps and angry glares.

“Of course, you didn’t hear that from me.”

When did Terasaka become so damn sly? He was like this the first time around, from what he could remember, but not this soon.

Was it Gakushu’s influence? 

When they all disperse from the pool, they end up discussing Terasaka and his friends.

While Sugino is quick to dismiss Terasaka as a bully, Gakushu has a feeling there’s more to this. 

There always is.

He just can’t quite figure it out.

———————————

Then the next day, Terasaka walks into class with an angry expression, kicks over the scrap model of the motorcycle. It crashes into the ground, making Gakushu jump.

Something’s going to happen.

Gakushu backs up, as far as he can go, right as Terasaka sprays pesticide over the whole class.

He’s removed from it enough that he can make out Koro-sensei reaching out to Terasaka.

Terasaka slaps the tentacle hand away when it reaches for his shoulder, “Don’t fucking touch me, monster.”

Gakushu’s breath stills. He has a feeling that Terasaka is a lot like him in the way he shies away from sudden touches. And in the way he’s wary of the danger Koro-sensei poses. 

If Gakushu hadn’t already talked to Koro-sensei in the afterlife and heard his story, he knows he would be equally as distrustful. He would have seen Koro-sensei’s gentle touches as a threat, and his ability to make people like him as manipulation.

“It’s sickening. Him and all the rest of you, manipulated into acting all buddy buddy with that monster.” Terasaka snaps.

The wording is chilling in how similar it would have been to his thought processes.

“Bold of you to assume that ‘the monster’ is the one manipulating us, and not the other way around. If you’re being manipulated, you need to learn to manipulate back. Of course, unless that’s too hard for you.” Gakushu drawls.

“Asano-kun!” Koro-sensei cries, “I can’t believe you’d imply that you’re manipulating me.”

Terasaka’s reaction is...concerning. His expression goes blank. Like he’s trying to hide something but failing.

Wait.

Is Terasaka trying to manipulate Koro-sensei?

“Not just me. It seems Terasaka is manipulating you as well.” He says, slowly.

Terasaka flinches as if struck.

He was right on the mark.

But there’s no way Terasaka could do this on his own.

“Eh?” Terasaka growls, “Get out of my way, I don’t have time for this shit.”

What are you doing, Terasaka?

————————————————

Terasaka throws down the gauntlet the next day, challenging Koro-sensei to an after school fight. Gakushu already knows he’s not going to go. He has better things to do, anyways.

But surprisingly, this time, he’s not the only one who doesn’t want to go. All of the class refuses as well.

“Yeah, he’s never helped out on any of our assassination attempts. Why should we help him?”

But then Koro-sensei pours his mucus all over the ground, trapping them. Being in the back of the class, Gakushu manages to jump up before it traps him, and so does Akabane.

They smirk at each other as Koro-sensei looks at the two of them exasperatedly.

Then Koro-sensei pleads for all of them to go help with the assassination after school. Gakushu is hesitant, he has extracurriculars, but he’ll admit, watching an assassination attempt wouldn’t be too bad. It shouldn’t be too startling for him at this point.

And he’s worried about the way Terasaka was acting.

He’s fine with following the rest of the class, up until the point where Terasaka tells them to get in the water.

Gakushu refuses, and stays up on the ground with Akabane and Terasaka.

“Get in the water.” Terasaka tells him, “You’re alright with your knife, they need you.”

That must be the highest compliment coming from Terasaka.

“No thank you. I’m not a fan of water.”

Gakushu is facing Terasaka, glaring up at him with his back against the water.

So by the time he feels a hand grip his ankle, and pull, it’s too late for him to do anything.

He crashes into the water, and water enters his nose, mouth and eyes before he can close them. Water enters his lungs, when he tries to suck in a breath, despite the fact that he’s underwater. 

He hears a gunshot.

The water starts to move. He must be imagining it. Must be flashbacks, since there’s no way the water in this pool is moving this fast. 

He hears muffled shouts that only make him panic more.

The fear overtakes him, sending pain sparking through his chest as his heart pounds.

He’s drowning.

Then he feels arms gripping him, pulling him above water. 

He sucks in air greedily, his eyes squeezed shut as he coughs up water.

His whole body is shaking.

“Asano. You need to breathe slower. You’re hyperventilating.” Gakushu opens his eyes at the familiar voice. Akabane was soaked, his uniform and blazer drenched. 

Did he…?

He forced himself to slow down his breath.

Akabane is still holding onto him tight, and it makes him uncomfortable.

“Can you...let...go…” he gasps out. 

Akabane lets go at once, with an apology. He stays at an arm's length from him. 

Without the suffocating feeling of restraint, he’s able to breath right. 

He focuses on his breath, and soon, it starts to even out. 

“Are you alright now?” Akabane asks after a few minutes.

Gakushu nods.

He’s still trembling, and he’s a bit faint, but he’s breathing alright for the most part now.

“We need to talk to Terasaka now, he’s behind all of this.”

Then Gakushu looks up, and he really sees what happened for the first time.

The dam of the pool is broken open, and the waters are dangerously fast.

He wasn’t imagining it. All the other students were in danger of drowning as well.

He starts to panic before realizing that Koro-sensei is dropping them off one by one. His classmates were safe.

Gakushu hadn’t made it that far from the rocks where he’d stood, so Akabane must have dived in for him very quickly.

He still can’t wrap his head around the idea that Akabane Karma dove in for him, of all people.

“Why did you go for me instead of anyone else nearby?” He asks, his voice embarrassingly hoarse and shaky. But Akabane just saw him have an anxiety attack and didn’t judge him. He doubts he would call him out on this. 

“The only one nearby was Nakamura, but since she was the one who pulled you in in the first place, I figured she would deserve a taste of his own medicine if she learns to fear drowning.” Akabane responds, but the usual mischievous smirk is a bit strained on him. 

They argue with Terasaka, or at least Akabane does. Gakushu just stays seated on top of a rock, arms wrapped around him. He’s far too tired.

When Akabane punches Terasaka and comes up with a plan, Gakushu merely nods in approval of it. 

He sits out of the final confrontation with Itona, watching as everyone is saved—how Terasaka has his moment to shine.

It’s great and all that. But he just wants to go home.

“Hey Asano. Umm, are you alright?” Someone asks. He lifts his head up. It’s Nagisa, who is slowly approaching him. Drawing attention of the rest of the class. 

Gakushu feels painfully exposed as everyone can see his trembling shoulders and pale face. He wipes his eyes. 

“No.” He says, bluntly, “But don’t worry. I will be eventually.” He tries for a smile, but knows it comes off shaky. 

He stands up, stumbles, but manages to walk away.

“What’s his problem?” He hears someone scoff. 

He just keeps walking, clenching his fist tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * This scene actually happens in the manga. Kataoka is shown in the background as being confessed to by a girl. Then she saves Kayano in this intimate scene, afterwards, Kayano expresses her crush on Kataoka. Like!!! How come nobody has ever noticed this scene before? Lesbian representation is rare as hell. So this honestly made my day.
> 
> Link to these scenes: [Read Here](https://slashlgbtqwriter.tumblr.com/post/627911732339277825/lets-appreciate-the-homo-erotic-subtext-of).
> 
> Also, in the first part where Karma doesn’t tell Gakushu he’d save him, Karma is just being a bit self conscious, not wanting to reveal how much he actually cares for Gakushu because it embarrasses him. They’re both just kids, and Karma is doing this the first time around (unlike Gakushu who is more emotionally mature—1 whole year makes a huge difference when you’re a teen) so he isn’t going to manage emotional vulnerability well.


	10. God damn right you should be scared of me. (Who is in control?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I changed a few words at the end of this chapter because it was pointed out to me that I was using ableist language by implying that narcissistic people are abusive. It doesn’t change the story at all, but just FYI.

“Gakushu?” He looks around to meet eyes with Ren. 

He doesn’t answer, just turns away. He doesn’t want his ex-friend to see him like this. Drenched, shaking, with wide, raw eyes. And he’s still dizzy, so he’s fairly sure he’s stumbling.

“Wait—what’s wrong?” Ren carefully places a hand on his shoulder. His eyes are scared.

He’s never seen Gakushu like this before. He’s not their strong, fearless leader now, is he?

“You’re the one who doesn’t want to be friends, even secretly. Why do you care.” His words lack heat. They come out tired.

“You are my friend, Gakushu.” Ren holds onto him tighter when he stumbles. “I just—I thought you were better without me, but—you look really bad right now. Are you sick?”

“I’m fine.” He snarls, all while leaning into Ren’s arm.

“I’ll walk you home.” 

“I don’t need your pity.”

“I don’t pity you, Gakushu. I just want to walk you home so you don’t pass out in the middle of a street.”

Gakushu has a feeling that might happen too, so he sticks with Ren. 

“It’s not you,” Gakushu speaks at last, as they approach his home, “It’s not because of you that I’m like this. That’s all me.” He runs a hand over his face, “I understand if you can’t associate with me in public, but I really hope you don’t just ditch me again.”

“Let’s have this conversation another time,” Ren says, his voice tense.

And Gakushu swallows hard. 

“Just, take it easy for the rest of the day, alright?” Ren says casually, as he nods his head goodbye.

Gakushu is silent.

———————————-

The final exams for the first semester are approaching, and Gakushu is not looking forward to it. He is incredibly exhausted after the last few events at 3-E. His near drowning experience has left him with nightmares. He wakes up in the middle of the night panting, suffocating. He hyperventilates until he remembers that he’s not underwater anymore.

He barely gets sleep anyways, but now he has permanent purple circles under his eyes that he covers up with makeup. He can’t have anyone seeing them. Can’t let them pity him.

Koro-Sensei presents them with a challenge: he’ll let them shoot off one tentacle for every subject they get a perfect score on.

Gakushu is reminded of the challenge the other Virtuosos made with E class. He feels a pang of guilt at how he planned on manipulating them, but knew he would do it all again if there was a chance to get one over his father, to force him to acknowledge him.

“Well, there’s no point in having this challenge, Sensei,” Akabane speaks up, “In case you forgot, we have this genius in our class. He’ll undoubtedly get first place in every subject, so why should the rest of us bother?”

Koro-Sensei flails around for a bit in panic before Gakushu sighs.

“I might not take first place in every single subject, I occasionally get second. But it’s not uncommon for people to tie for first place with me.”

Then he gets an idea. He doesn’t actually want to kill Koro-Sensei, but he hates losing. And he’s fairly certain Koro-Sensei won’t actually die even with all the handicaps. So he lets a sly smile make its way to his face, “Though if you want to be fair, you could consider offering a tentacle for anyone who ties with me in first place as well?”

“Yeah, more tentacles for us!” Nakamura shouts.

Koro-Sensei reluctantly agrees to it.

“I plan on getting a perfect score on every subject though, so you all better step up your game if you want to win at this.” Gakushu calls out.

“Oh, you’re on, Asano.” The class shouts back. It reminds him of the first time around he challenged them like this. But this time the competition is friendly, with grins shared between them. And while deep down, he’s always going to prefer a heated, unfriendly competition—his father’s teachings of total crushing victories are still ingrained in him somewhat—there is something nice about this challenge too. 

Because it’s finally a challenge he’s taking on for himself and his classmates, not for his father’s approval.

—————

He overhears Sugino’s phone call with Shindou during lunch.

He was planning on walking away, when he heard something of interest.

“Class A has gathered in one of the conference rooms.” 

Oh. He remembers organizing this last year. It seems they’ve gone on and carried it out without him.

“The entirety of A class gathered in one place, and is about to start a massive independent study session. It’s the first time seeing something like this. The ones taking the lead are known as the “Virtuosos”, a group of geniuses that are the pride of the school.”

Gakushu snorts. Geniuses. They really weren’t. The only thing that the five of them had that the rest of the students didn’t was money. They had tutors and classes designed for them ever since they could walk. They were ahead of the game right from the start. That didn’t mean that they don’t have to work for it, though.

Then Shindou continues narrating on the Virtuosos, and the over dramatic speech makes struggle to muffle his laughter. But then Shindou starts narrating about Ren.

“—a shrewd poet who took the fine arts competition by storm.”

It makes him smile, yet twists his heart at the same time.

“And, well, they’re all doing great and all with the whole meeting but they just seem lackluster somehow without their leader. Sakakibara took over Presidential duties but he’s made it clear he’s just waiting for Asano to take it back.”

What? Gakushu made it clear he wasn’t going back to the main campus.

“Wait—hold on. They’re doing something—“ Shindou whispers. Then they can hear the faint voice Ren being relayed through the phone, “There’s something important I wanted to discuss. Asano isn’t coming back to the main campus. And we all know the age old rule of E class not being allowed to have student council leadership positions. But as the acting President at the moment, I’d like to change that. I think we all do.”

He hears the wrinkling of paper.

“We’ve decided to start a petition to allow E class students to run for student council positions.”

Dead silence. Then he hears the other Virtuosos hissing at Ren. 

What in the world? Is Ren doing this without consulting the rest of them first?

Ren’s voice is confident. “The president leads with the will of the people. And I know that we all want Asano to be our president. So let’s make it happen, 3-A.”

He hears shouts—angry, excited, fearful all at once. But through the cacophony he hears support.

Cheers.

Nagisa and Sugino are watching him, questioningly.

“Those idiots.” Gakushu runs his fingers down his face.

That explains why Ren didn’t consult his friends first. He knows they wouldn’t have agreed to it—after all, they’re still brainwashed into thinking Gakushu has been corrupted at E class.

Which means Ren is going against his father alone.

No. He can’t do this. His father would never allow that. If all of 3-A revolts against his father’s educational philosophy, it wouldn’t turn out good for anyone.

It never turns out good for anyone who goes against him.

He sees blood, splattered on the carpets. Dripping over the desk. Chipped teeth and broken bones. 

The terrified screams of the exchange students.

He picks up his phone, and dials for Ren. He steps outside as he waits for him to pick up. He has a feeling this conversation is going to be loud.

“Oh, hey. Gakushu—“

“Ren, you idiot. Don’t you dare follow through with that petition.” Gakushu hisses through the phone. 

“Wait, how do you know—never mind. The entire 3-A class except for the rest of the virtuosos have already signed it though, so you’re too late.”

“Don’t show it to the principal yet.” He demands, hiding the sudden spike in his heart rate.

“Of course, not yet. I’ll have to wait until the rest of the school signs it.”

“You’re getting the entire school to sign it?” Gakushu’s eyes widen with disbelief.

“Yeah, why do you sound so upset? I—well, I was too ashamed to talk to you since my attempts at negotiating with the principal failed. He told me that I didn’t deserve to be your friend when I couldn’t even do a thing to help you. And he’s right. So I’m going to try harder. I’ll get this petition to work, and get you back as our president, even if you’re still going to be in E class.”

Gakushu is silent for a moment as it dawns at him. His father already tried to brainwash the virtuosos. Ren was the only one who managed to see through him. So his father tried again, to manipulate him in a different way. And Ren is trying to break free once again.

It’s impressive, but it’s not enough.

“You don’t understand what you’re doing. He’s been nice to you before, but if he finds out you’re doing something on a scale this large, then he’s going to go after you. If you bring this petition to him, you’re practically going to war with him, Ren.” Gakushu stresses, “You aren’t ready for that.”

“I need to try, Gakushu. Even if I fail, even if I’m afraid, I’m going to stand up to him.” Ren’s voice is shaky, but his tone is firm. He’s made his choice, and nothing Gakushu can say can sway him.

So he needs to think fast. 

He thinks of the blood.

The screams.

His fingers tremble.

He takes a deep breath.

“Ok. Fine. Show him the petition. But on three terms. One— you don’t go alone. You need to un-brainwash the rest of the virtuosos and take them with you. Two—you let me give you lessons on how my father manipulates people until you learn how to avoid his traps.” Gakushu hesitates, with the last one, “And three—all four of you need to learn how to fight very, very well.”

Ren is silent. “Okay...that’s reasonable. But, just one question. Why do we need to learn to fight? He’s not going to physically hurt us, right?”

Gakushu doesn’t answer.

“Gakushu? What aren’t you telling me?”

“Call me when you’ve convinced them, and I’ll help you from there. Someone’s calling me, I need to go, bye.” Gakushu lies, and hangs up.

Then from around the bushes, he sees a fleck of red.

“Akabane. You were eavesdropping?” The boy steps out, grinning lazily.

“Did I hear you offering lessons on fighting and manipulation? How exactly do you plan on doing so when you hardly have time to sleep, let alone spend hours doing something like that?”

Good point.

“I’ll figure something out.” He’ll have to stop tutoring and temporarily put a pause to guitar. But Akabane’s right. Even then, it’ll be rough.

“Or you could ask for help from your dear friend who is better at you at both fighting and reading manipulative people.”

Gakushu blinks. Akabane keeps smiling at him, but he doesn’t have that sharp look in his eyes he has when he’s lying. So his offer is genuine.

“Better than me? You wish.” Gakushu says, almost perfunctorily. “But really, would you?”

“Of course. A chance to shove around the great and holy virtuosos sounds like fun.” Akabane smirks. Gakushu doesn’t quite believe that reason, but he doubts Akabane has any real malicious intent, so just sighs.

“I’ll appreciate it, thanks.” Gakushu says, but hesitates. If Akabane heard the entire conversation, then just how much did he know?

“I like how untrustworthy you are.” Akabane says, looking Gakushu straight in the eye. He’s taken aback, “You’re like me. You don’t share anything about yourself until you’re sure you can trust someone. And I respect that. So don’t tell me anything until you do trust me, and I’ll do the same for you.”

Gakushu follows Akabane back into the classroom, pondering the other boy’s words.

Did Akabane just say he respects him?

Looking back, he can see it now. Akabane teased him, but his words never matched his actions. He was always helping him, in those subtle ways that fly under the radar. Sneaking him earplugs, warning him on days he felt like Gakushu would need to skip school, offering him advice on his friendship with Nagisa—even the smaller things like the way he never touched Gakushu, and always projected his motions if he was raising his hand towards him.

That meant...he noticed. How could Akabane say he still respected him even after noticing how scared he always is and how he flinches so easily?

How could anyone respect him after knowing? Most would just pity him. But Akabane never does pity. Ever.

And that has to make him wonder. Akabane had said, “You’re just like me.”

If Akabane can see through him, then the fact that he thinks they’re alike…

Is worrying. 

What is going on with Akabane?

——————————————

Last year, the whispers of the library rebellion had spread through the school. This year, that didn’t happen.

Nagisa and his friends come back from their trip to the library, telling him it was rather uneventful when he asks.

Ren and the virtuosos were never in the library harassing E class because Ren must be busy. With his first step of swaying the virtuosos. But Gakushu knows it won’t be easy. His father had a way of bringing out the worst in people, bringing out their deepest fears when he convinces them with the flawed logic of a gaslighter.

Despite’s Gakushu’s worries, he knows he can trust Ren. He has faith in him. So forces himself to stop worrying about it, and shifts his attention to more pressing issues. 

Studying.

He slips right into his studies, finding it infinitely easier this time around. And yet, the stress is onto him. He’s barely sleeping even when he tries to.

He’s jealous of naturally smart people like Akabane who barely study at all.

“You really think you can beat me like that?” Gakushu asks snidely, as Akabane continues to play his video game instead of utilizing their free hour to self study.

“It’s not actual class right now, Sensei doesn’t care what I do.”

“That’s not the point.” Gakushu sets his pencil down, “It’s that we’re all here trying our hardest, and you’re disrespecting us by slacking off.”

He gestures out to the rest of the class in front of them. Everyone is trying. Nagisa is chewing the back of his pencil in thought, Nakamura is mouthing the words of the English novel out loud. Even Terasaka is making an attempt at studying, though he seems to get distracted every other minute. But Gakushu just has to call him out and remind him to get back to work, and he does.

Akabane though, is clearly not putting in an effort. And it bothers him.

“You sound just like every other teacher, telling me to study more, to work harder.” Akabane’s posture is strangely defensive. He looks away from Gakushu, his clenched fists and tight face making him look almost...hurt.

“Why not study more? Why not work harder when you can?” Gakushu presses. He doesn’t understand Akabane. How can someone just not do something when they’re capable of doing it? How can he settle for anything other than the best of himself.

“I don’t need to. Trying so hard is so sleazy.” He speaks almost casually. But there’s a slight hesitance under that. 

Like he’s saying something he doesn’t truly believe.

And something finally clicks for Gakushu. This is about reputation. Akabane tries so hard to act like the antithesis of everything japanese schools stand for. He plays delinquent because that’s the role he’s been forced into by society, the same way Gakushu has been forced into the perfect student role by society.

And Akabane knows that.

Akabane knows that good grades are just another role. Trying so hard, working for this is for no other reason than to look good.

Akabane wants good grades, but he’ll get them without trying. That lack of effort yet still being cool is his whole persona.

Which is why, whenever someone tells him to work and study harder, he just thinks they’re trying to make him into something he isn’t. Like they’re trying to make him act fake.

“Working hard doesn’t make you fake, Akabane.”

Akabane’s eyes glint for a moment. His expression twists.

Then he goes blank.

“Shut up, Asano. You’re one to talk. You’re the fakest person in this room, and we both know it.”

Gakushu freezes. He swallows hard.

He does know it, but no one’s ever called him out for it before.

“I do not—“

“You always try so hard to make it look so easy. Make it look like anyone can be as smart as you. But you don’t let them see the truth, ever. Don’t let them see just how hard it is. And I hate it.” Akabane gets up, and grabs his backpack—ready to ditch class again.

He’s leaving now? Did Gakushu’s words really affect him that much? Was their argument actually getting to him?

Before Akabane leaves, he whispers to him, his expression losing it’s edge for just a moment, “Get better makeup. I can see the circles beneath your eyes.”

Then he leaves.

And Gakushu knows his makeup is of the finest quality. There should be no way anyone can see through them. Not even Koro-Sensei could see through it.

Not unless someone’s been staring at you very closely for a long time. Sitting next to you and knowing your face so well they can make out the slightest difference.

Akabane almost never has his eyes open in class.

And yet, he’s been watching him enough to notice something like that?

Gakushu isn’t sure whether to be impressed or scared.

(His anxious mind unfortunately decides to settle on scared, and avoids Akabane the next few days.)

———————————

On the day before the test, when he has three anxiety attacks in the course of the day, he decides that enough is enough. He was taking a break.

He curled onto his bed, pulled in his headphones, and just did nothing for the rest of the day.

A voice was screaming at him to work, to be better, that he was a failure.

He just turns up the volume. He wasn’t going to end up as a nervous wreck like he did the last exam. 

But then his father catches him. 

“I came to offer you advice for the exam tomorrow, but you seem to have decided to fail all on your own.” His father looks down at him.

Gakushu straightens up, “I was taking a break, Principal. I’ve prepared extensively for the last few weeks.”

“There is no rest for the strong. We don’t take breaks. I’ve taught you that. E class truly is ruining you, isn’t it?”

Gakushu clenches his fists, “And whose idea was it to have a murderous octopus teach us in the first place?”

His father ignores him, “Though I suppose this only proves my philosophy right. You have fallen in with the 5% that is lazy, of course you will learn from them.”

Gakushu withers underneath his father’s heated gaze.

“Shut up—just—-ugh. Fine. I’ll study more.” He looks away, and picks up his textbook again.

“See that you do, Asano-kun. It would be disappointing if you lost your 1st place streak. It’s a one way path to becoming my corporate slave.”

His father leaves, and Gakushu continues to study, fixating on every important detail, cutting out the unimportant ones like Koro-Sensei taught him. Then he hesitates before going back and learning the unimportant parts anyways—because what if it shows up on the exam and catches him off guard? What if he fails again, and has to bear the shameful mark of 2nd place, has to bluff it off and pretend to be alright before breaking down in the bathroom stall? What if his father ends up looking at him with that disapproving gaze that makes him break somewhere inside?

His body and mind have long since been exhausted, and he doesn’t notice that he’s crying until he sees the ink blur under his teardrops.

He’s so tired.

What happened to the days where he walked into a test with his head held high with confidence? 

But that was back before he started failing. Before his father shifted from just challenging him to tearing him apart with sharp words and insults that left him breaking down the minute he was out of his father’s office.

Even being thrown around and beaten didn’t seem too bad. Lots of parents discipline their children this way, it was just another thing to make him stronger.

But all the things that once made him strong was just an illusion of his weakness.

He was the best at everything, but was he truly? He’s never going to reach that impossible level of perfection.

He knows that, and yet he keeps reading over his notes, burning it into his memory. He knows it’s impossible, but he still won’t stop.

His vision blurs with tears, and he’s shaking. He can’t read his notes, and he can barely hold his pencil.

At the end, when he gives up and puts away his books, it’s only because he’s past the point of functioning.

If only he was normal and could stop before his body broke down on him. But people like his father and him never acknowledge their limits. Because no matter how much Gakushu tries to hide it, he knows he’s inherited the insidious fear of failure his father has. The drive to go to extreme lengths to achieve perfection. 

And it manifests in concerning ways.

His father hides his more self destructive tendencies, but Gakushu knows. He sees the neat little cuts lining his father’s wrists. The ones marking his every failure.

(Because he knows the trauma his father carries around is just as bad as Gakushu’s)

No. Don’t think about that.

He’s usually better at compartmentalizing. But he’s sleep deprived, tired, and distressed.

Lying in bed, with tears still drying on his skin, he thinks of the little things he never wants to think about.

The things his father and him ignore completely—pushing it away, like it can’t hurt them if they don’t acknowledge them.

He thinks—

About his family.

Not just the usual things about his father.

But the rest of the family. The truly dark part of it that scares him.

He had to figure out the information by exploiting his father’s friends, since his father himself was so tight lipped on it. 

His father cut off all communication with his parents. From what he understands, they were narcissists who emotionally abused his father, punished him for every mistake. They’re the ones who gaslighted him, manipulated him, and turned him into the wreck he’s become.

His father then met Gakushu’s mother, who was just as abusive. His father found comfort in the familiarity of it. 

It still made him want to scream. The fact that his father—who had the looks, wealth, and personality to have basically anyone he wanted, chose to marry someone like his mother.

Gakushu only vaguely remembers her, with fine European features and wavy strawberry blonde hair.

And the cold look in her silver eyes.

His father had never wanted children, he’s always been too afraid of becoming a bad father that he’d been against it. But his mother forced him to—(raped him—his mind provides). And so Gakushu was born.

It only went downhill from there. It was an incident that happened a long time ago, and Gakushu remembers only in snippets. His mother screamed at Gakushu for trying to get her attention because he was hungry—she hadn’t fed him all day since his father left for work.

And then Gaksuhu said something. 

He doesn’t remember what.

But he was being thrown into a table, and there was more screaming. The neighbors called the police at the noise.

And his father finally put his foot down after that incident. Gakushu had to get eight stitches on his left temple. A visible scar is still there, under his bangs.

He reaches up to feel the scar.

That was probably the biggest thing his father ever did for Gakushu. He knew his father was still in love with his mother, and probably always will be. But he left her, for Gakushu’s sake.

And for two years, Gakushu and his father lived together happily. 

Then Ikeda happened.

Sometimes, Gakushu gets incredibly bitter over Ikeda, for having to kill himself and ruin his life.

Right now is one of those moments.

He knows logically, it isn’t Ikeda’s fault.

Gakushu’s father was never mentally stable. He was always teetering on the edge of a breakdown. Really, Ikeda’s death was not what made him snap.

All his his past and his trauma were what brought him to this point, Ikeda was just what pushed him over the edge.

If it wasn’t him, it would have been someone else or something else.

But logic doesn’t care, and his frustration over Ikeda doesn’t go away.

He told him once, when he was younger, “I’m scared to become like my parents, Shuu. You’ll tell someone if I start hurting you, alright? Sometimes I’m afraid of what I might do to you.” His father had looked him in the eyes, pausing in combing back Gakushu’s hair. 

Gakushu had stared back, confused, “But you won’t hurt me, father.”

“Sometimes I feel like hurting you.” 

That confession had merely been shrugged off by 5 year old Gakushu. He didn’t truly understand that family members hitting each other was wrong. After all, he still had the scar on his forehead, and he still remembers the bruises on his father’s wrists that his mother would leave.

And now, years later, Gakushu wants to scream.

He knows exactly how things got to this point, but he doesn’t know where to go from here. 

Ikeda gave him a second chance, but sometimes it feels like he was the wrong person to get the second chance at life. 

If only Ikeda was the one who got a second chance, maybe he could help his father. Gakushu doesn’t think he can anymore.

And after everything his father put him through, is he truly expected to?


	11. Some Look For Trouble While Other’s Don’t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I struggled with this chapter a lot. I usually could write on and on for hours, but now I have school. So...I’m likely going to try to stick with a once a week update schedule, so stay tuned!
> 
> I still don’t like how this chapter turned out, but I’ve spent long enough on it and I need to push through so I can get on with the rest of the story, so here it is.

This time, Gakushu is prepared for the exam. He brings his earplugs along, and takes deep breaths before the exam starts.

He needs to focus.

Get this over with as fast as he can.

Akabane is seated next to him, but has his head pointedly turned away from him.

It doesn’t matter, Gakushu tells himself. He doesn’t care if Akabane wants to be a brat. He has other friends to wish good luck.

He offers last minute advice to Nagisa, Hazama and Isogai. He wishes Kataoka, Kayano and Yada good luck.

He sits back down when the test is about to start, and finds Akabane staring at him strangely. The boy grits his teeth like he wants to say something but can’t.

Gakushu puts his ear plugs in and ignores him. He doesn’t have the mental energy to even think about Akabane right now.

The exam commences, and Gakushu’s pencil moves swiftly to the beat of his racing heart. He reads passages, solves equations, and bubbles in the answers. It goes by fast, and when he sets his pencil down, he doesn’t think he did too bad.

Three days go by before they receive their exam results. Those are 3 long days. Gakushuu impatiently waits for them to pass, until finally, it’s result day. 

Koro-sensei stands at the front of the class, about to announce the results. The entire class looks antsy, but Gakushuu knows for certain he’s the only one with adrenaline pumping through him, the sound of his own pounding heart deafening him. 

He struggles to keep his face calm.

He’s terrified and excited all at the same time. He knows he’ll be disappointed no matter what, but he still needs to know.

“All right, I’ll go ahead and announce the results. Starting with English. E Class’s top scorer is...Nakamura Rio.” The class cheers, as Nakamura stands up to accept her score sheet. Gakushu claps politely, forcing down his frustration. He must not have done as well then. He knew it was a possibility; he lost this position last year as well. And Nakamura must have worked extra hard. It was a fair win.

Not any less painful, however.

“A perfect score,” Koro-Sensei comments, “Asano-kun missed one point, following you in a close second. Nagisa-kun also worked hard, but you need to fix your spelling errors.”

One point. Gakushu clenches his fist. He was so close to a perfect score.

“Moving on to Japanese lit. The top scorer is...Asano Gakushu!”

Gakushu doesn’t really feel any emotion at those words. Just a slight relief. Like a heavy weight that’s been lightened, but still heavy. Nowhere near happiness.

But he forces a smile. For some bizarre reason, everyone expects him to be genuinely happy when he gets a perfect score. But it’s basically a requirement for him. An obligation.

He needs to stay on the top, anything short of that is _failure_. So no, he isn’t going to celebrate it or anything like that.

“Man, that Asano’s really racking up points.” He hears someone comment.

“The tests were way harder, and he still aced them...just what you’d expect from a guy ranked #1 in the country.”

Gakushu watches as Akabane quietly walks out of class. 

No one else has noticed him leave. Not his usual style; Akabane likes to storm out deliberately.

Why would he sneak out with his head held down like that?

Gakushu cuts off his train of thoughts as Korosensei announces the next score.

“Continuing on, next is social studies. Class E’s best scorers are...both Isogai Yuuma and Gakushu Asano, tied for first place with a score of 97 points.”

Oh.

Gakushu smiles softly. Last time around, he lost to Isogai. But he’s tied this time. That’s certainly an improvement.

But not enough. He looks at the three points he’s lost. 

Those are still three points too much.

He scores first in the other two tests, but he still stares at his test scores as the others are celebrating. He goes over every mistake. Engraving it into his head. 

This was the second lifetime he took this exam. Last time, he’d gotten 11 points off in total.

This time, over all, he lost 7 points. 

It’s an improvement, but not enough. Never enough. His father would certainly mock him for it.

He feels tears sting his eyes but blinks them away. Not here.

He looks around for something or someone to distract him from the choking sensation building in his chest.

Then he looks through the window.

Is that Akabane?

He looks closer, by the trees, and spies Akabane being talked to by Koro-Sensei. And is instantly curious.

He knows he should probably stay away. Akabane clearly doesn’t like him at the moment— _You’re the fakest person in the room—_ Gakushu pushes those feelings away.

But he doubts that whatever Koro-Sensei is saying is helpful. Because Akabane has layers upon layers. He’s like the earth—the closer you get to the core, the more dangerous, because then you’ll burn to death.

And he’s not quite sure if Koro-Sensei is close enough to see the parts of Akabane that are the real parts.

So Gakushu steps closer, close enough to overhear the conversation. And what he’s hearing makes him wince.

Koro-Sensei is very clever, but not a genius. He’s human like the rest of them. He’s fallen for Akabane’s lazy exterior.

Gakushu sees there’s more in the way Akabane’s shoulders stiffen, and his legs tense, like they’re ready to spring him up at any moment.

Koro-Sensei hasn’t figured out what took Gakushu months to piece together through small hints and snippets of truth. Even now, there’s much he doesn’t know.

Akabane is rich like him, from a high class family, and struggles with the expectations that come with that. The fake compliments. The constant comparisons. The way people whisper about you when you make even the slightest misstep.

Gakushu understands that much at least. It does explain why Karma does not take well to people telling him to do things he doesn’t want to. Having so many expectations sometimes can suffocate you.

Gakushu drowns in it, lets it suffocate and mold him into the perfect doll. Karma rejects those expectations, kicks it to the curb and stomps on them.

But there’s so much more to Akabane that is a mystery. 

So much he still doesn't get.

Like why won’t Akabane study when he clearly wants good grades? Why is he stubborn in refusing to change his sloppy fighting style, even when he knows they have weaknesses?

Gakushu’s respected Akabane’s boundaries. Akabane has respected his.

But maybe they’ve been dancing around each other for too long, and now their walls are breaking down. That’s what their whole fight was about, wasn’t it? 

Akabane and Gakushu know each other’s weaknesses. They’ve just never brought it up, knowing that each other’s trust issues wouldn’t allow for either of them to bring it up without a fight breaking out.

And that’s what happened. 

Gakushu challenged the part of Akabane that is too afraid to try harder, and Akabane challenged the part of Gakushu that’s terrified of failure. 

Gakushu knows Akabane knows a lot about him.

And while Gakushu knows more about Akabane than anyone else ever has, he’s tired of repressing his curiosity.

Gakushu knows his curiosity will be his downfall. It always has. The burning desire to control everything, know everything, is something he’s inherited from his father.

He should respect Akabane’s boundaries.

He shouldn’t push.

But then he looks at Akabane’s embarrassed face, the slight shake in his shoulders.

And he makes up his mind. 

When Akabane storms off, Gakushu follows. He notices Karasuma-Sensei, who was watching the conflict from behind, question Koro-Sensei. While he’s curious about what he’ll say, Gakushu moves past them quickly.

“Akabane.” He calls out. 

The boy pauses, but doesn’t turn around.

“Are you going to lecture me too, Mr. Student Council President? Tell me ‘I told you so’? That I should work harder? Well I don’t care. I don’t care what any of you blind sheep think I should be doing.”

“You do care what other people think.” Gaksuhu retorts, “If you didn’t care, you would just do the things that you want and not think about how it would affect your appearance. And your own self-image.”

Akabane spins around. That’s when Gakushu knows he’s struck a nerve, “You don’t know—“

“You want to do well in school and work hard. But you don’t. Why? Because you’re scared. You like to pretend that you’re the type of person who does whatever he wants, but you really aren’t. You called me the fakest person in the room? Well hypocritical of you, don’t you think. You’re as much of a liar as I am.”

He sees the punch coming, and merely jerks to the side on habit.

Akabane swings again, his face flushed red.

Gakushu catches his fist in his palm and dodges.

Akabane isn’t going all out, and neither is Gakushu. They know each other too well, and know how evenly matched they are.

Neither of them are trying to win.

Gakushu doesn’t even know what he’s trying to do by fighting back, but the rage, hurt, and pain all blur together, and throwing his fists at Akabane are all he wants to do.

Gakushu freezes at the thought.

He just thought he wanted to hit someone. Not just trip them like he did to Terasaka, but really _hurt_ someone.

 _Hurt_ someone.

He’s becoming _violent_. 

Like his father. Like his mother. Like the way it runs in their family. 

Akabane doesn’t notice that Gakushu’s stopped moving until it’s too late, his fist collides into Gakushu’s jaw.

It isn’t painful, Akabane really was going easy on him.

But it does send a jolt up his head and disorient him for a moment.

He stumbles back, clutching his head.

Akabane is staring at him in horror.

Gakushu is certain his own expression mirrors his.

“Why’d you freeze up?” Akabane’s desperate voice demands, “Why didn’t you move?”

Gakushu looks away.

“I didn’t want to fight you anymore, and I thought...maybe you’d feel better after hitting me.” Gakushu squeezes his eyes closed.

“You—you idiot.” Akabane’s voice breaks.

The teachers come in to break up the fight that was already broken up. Gakushu and Akabane are both silent.

So far, despite all their spars, they’ve never actually gone at each other like this, trying to hurt each other.

They’ve never lashed out with emotions, because both of them knew their emotions were more volatile than most.

Gakushu is terrified of having almost hurt someone else and enjoyed doing it. But maybe, somewhere under those lazy golden eyes, Akabane is just as scared.

———————————————-

The entire class had witnessed their fight through the window, and immediately, he could see tension start to form when their eyes start to linger at the forming bruise on Gakushu’s jaw.

“It’s between Akabane and I, please don’t interfere or try to pick sides or anything, all right?” Gakushu speaks loudly enough for all of Gakushu and Akabane’s friends to hear. Nagisa nods quickly enough, but Kayano’s gaze lingers on his jaw for a touch longer. And something dark flashes through her gaze, right before it disappears.

It happened so fast, that Gakushu had to question if he imagined it.

But for a fraction of a second, he felt something truly dangerous within Kayano. 

———————————

Akabane and Gakushu ignore each other the next few days after that. When Koro-Sensei announces that they get to go on the exclusive school trip to Okinawa, the two of them aren’t remotely interested.

The first semester closing ceremony is uneventful, other for the fact that the entire class holds their heads high. The usual ‘don’t fall into E class’ speech definitely falls flat after the way their class dominated the finals. But Gakushu has a bad feeling that his father is about to do something to change that. 

When Koro-Sensei hands them ridiculously long guidebooks for the summer break, Gakushu just sighs at the fact that he has to carry these 15 pound books down the mountain. Koro-Sensei sends them off with a dramatic speech of “Play a lot, study a lot, and most importantly, kill a lot.”

Gakushu will be doing some playing all right, but it’ll be playing the guitar, piano, and several sports. He hasn’t had actual play time since he was six. He hasn’t relaxed in a long time, and he doesn’t get the luxury of doing so, even in the summer.

In fact, summers are even worse for him, especially since he has to stay at home all day and his father stays at home as well.

He’s dreading it, but still forces his smile as the rest of his class cheers the end of the first semester.

————————————

The handbook Koro-Sensei gave them must have some sort of purpose to it. While Gakushu doesn’t think he’s capable of reading 10,000 pages over the course of the summer break, he’s willing to try skimming the 20 page long table of contents at the very least.

Some of the titles seem useful, others not so much. It seems like Koro-Sensei has something in here for every person in class. There’s advice on the best pudding flavors being sold exclusively this summer—clearly for Kayano, and a section on the best summer fashion tips for trans boys. Gakushu makes sure to tell Nagisa about this.

Then he finds the section heading meant for him.

_How to balance and prioritize excessive extracurriculars and still manage to enjoy your summer._

Gakushu stares at the heading momentarily before slamming the book shut. He’s fine. He’s managed well enough before, he doesn’t need to enjoy his summer when he has so much work to do.

Later in the week, after being exhausted to the bone from his packed schedule, he opens the handbook again.

He’s so, so tired. His father didn’t even acknowledge him despite the hours of sports, music, and studies he’s devoting himself to.

He nearly passed out at a martial arts sparring match after not seeing a kick coming that he really should have. It shook him. 

He’s never not seen anyone before. He’s always hyper aware, hyper fixated on his fights.

But it wasn’t just his body that was exhausted, but also his mind.

He struggled to get a hold of himself when he realized he’d let someone sneak up on him, even let them kick him to the ground.

And even hours later, Gakushu is still scared. That feeling of being on the floor, pain radiating through his overused limbs. 

Looking up at the entire dojo staring at him.

Gakushu knew he was a pathetic sight. He was never a pathetic sight. He was the three time state champion for sparring. He should be standing back up and fighting back.

But instead he was curled up on the floor clutching his head.

Gakushu the page.

And he reads.

“Prioritization of most useful and enjoyable activities; which sports overlap in conditioning? Is it truly necessary to know how to play multiple instruments you’re not interested in?”

And so on.

Koro-Sensei clearly put a lot of time into this. Though he didn’t mention him outright, any person who actually read it would know it was meant for him.

And the information there...just how much did Koro-Sensei know about him?

Koro-Sensei was only human, so he can’t know every single thing about Gakushu. His teacher clearly doesn’t know the most of it.

But Koro-Sensei is also not stupid. He can see through some of Gakushu’s facades very easily. 

Sensei knows he’s anxious, even if he doesn’t know why he is.

He knows Gakushu’s stressed, despite his calm smiles.

And it’s only a matter of time before Koro-Sensei figures out the rest of his secrets.

The thought worries him.

—————————————————-

One day towards the end of the vacation, Gakushu shows up to the additional assassination practice session being held at school. He runs through the mountain, and is surprised by how much he misses flipping through the breeze, grabbing branch by branch to climb up to the top. 

Most of the class is already gathering there. He makes his way towards his friends.

“Hey, Gakushu.” Nagisa greets him, “It’s been weeks since I’ve seen you—whoa you have freckles?”

“I do in the summer, yeah. It’s nice to see all of you again.” Gakushu looks behind them, and tenses when Akabane meets his eyes, “Akabane showed up? I expected he wouldn’t.”

“He didn’t want to, but I made him.” Gakushu is surprised by Nagisa’s strong declaration. “It would be a good opportunity to talk to each other. I wanted you two to make up before the big assassination plan”

“Right. We need everyone to have strong teamwork, we can’t do that when the two strongest members of our class are fighting.” Isogai adds in.

“And it’s making it really awkward in our friend group.” Kayano frowns. “Especially since we don’t know what happened.”

Gakushu lets out a breath.

“The gist of it is, Akabane thinks I work too hard, I think he doesn’t work hard enough. He called me fake, and I called him fake as well. Then we got into a fight.” Gakushu looks over at Akabane. “I think he feels bad about hitting me. He expected me to dodge.”

“I was waiting for something like this to happen, to be honest.” Isogai says, “You two have really strong personalities and they clash just as much as they work together.”

“But you can work together.” Nagisa says. “You both just need to talk it out.”

Gakushu thinks over Nagisa’s advice for a moment. He keeps his eyes locked on Akabane. If he was going to confront him, they should do it on equal grounds.

“Alright then. I’m going to tell him to be my sparring partner.” He decides.

He hears Nagisa mumble something that sounds like “No that’s not what I meant by talk it out——“

———————————————-

While the rest of their classmates practice shooting targets, Gakushu and Akabane stand a little bit to the side, 

“So, knives or barehanded?” Gakushu asks.

Akabane looks at him with challenge in his molten eyes. Gakushu didn’t realize how much he missed those eyes.

“Knives. But real knives.”

Then Akabane reaches down and pulls out two knives from sheaths he had on the inside of his pant legs.

Gakushu blinks. He did not realize Akabane carried around two knives with him this whole school year. He should probably be intimidated, (and he certainly is a bit nervous) but…

“Where did you get these sheaths? I want one.” He’s more fascinated.

Akabane smiles tightly, “If you win, I’ll give you one.”

“Fine. Your loss.”

And so they start. Gakushu has enough experience with real knives to not be intimidated, and he’s been practicing at home. He throws in new martial arts moves he’s learnt these last few weeks. They were moves inspired from Akabane; street fighting moves that very few martial arts instructors were willing to teach due to their violence. But Gakushu managed to find one who was willing to train him.

So his stance has changed. He leaves his arms down and out rather than up and tight. He can fight with not just his fists and feet, but also with his knees, elbows and head.

But Akabane has also adopted a slightly different style which throws him off. His kicks aren’t as sloppy, they’re a lot cleaner and efficient. His usual slumped over posture has straightened out, rather bending his knees to stay low to the ground. 

It’s like he’s taken up martial arts.

They’ve always been evenly matched, but now, their styles have gotten even more similar to each other’s. And they’re all the more powerful for it. If they were good before, now, with the best parts of each other’s fighting styles, they’re practically invincible.

By the end of the match, Gakushu has a realization. From the look in Akabane’s eyes, he likely sees it too. 

They are capable of changing each other for the better. 

Gakushu opens his mouth, to say what, he doesn’t know.

But then he’s interrupted.

By applause.

“Now, that was impressive.” Says Lovro—Jelavic-Sensei’s boss.

Gakushu goes stiff and Akabane’s head tilts up.

The same thought goes through both their heads right then.

_This man is dangerous. And he’s interested in them._


	12. I Reach For Me But I’m Not There.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gakushu gets a business card, fights with his father, and has a mental breakdown that was a long time coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts in this chapter. Like this entire story is pretty triggering, but I decided to put a warning here just in case.

“He’s here as a special instructor during the summer break. He’ll give us advice regarding our strategy from a pro’s point of view.” Karasuma says, slightly amused at the way Irina jumps at seeing Lovro here.

Lovro scolds her for slacking off and tells her to change, before answering the questions of the students nearby.

“Are you worried about Class E’s marksmanship?” Karasuma asks, a bit confused by the serious look in Lovro’s eyes.

Then the man smirks, “No, rather the opposite. Especially those two. They’re magnificent.” 

Karasuma follows Lovro’s line of sight. It’s Chiba and Hayami. Karasuma feels a small burst of pride that a world class assassin can appreciate his student’s talent.

“Neither of them have very outspoken personalities, they’re the type to let their results do the talking.” Karsuma explains, noting both student’s strengths. 

“Hmm. It’s enough to make me want them as my students.” Lovro muses.

Karasuma ignores that part. Those two are definitely not interested in assassination. Although…

There is a pair who might be.

“There’s actually these two students I need advice on. They should be here somewhere—“ Then Karasuma’s gaze falls upon the two boys standing off to the side, away from the rest of the students. Are they holding—wait—are those fools using _real_ knives?

Karasuma is about to head over there when Lovro puts his arm out.

“Hold on a moment. They look like they know what they’re doing.”

Karasuma hesitates, when he notices that yes. They look far more confident than they should look holding those knives. He’d noticed right from the start that Asano has a suspicious amount of experience with them. He just attributed it to his father’s insane talent. But Akabane...he’d noticed that his delinquent-like student was good with the training blades, but he’d never seen him like this.

He watches carefully as the two fight, moving so fast it would be hard for the untrained eye to follow. They swung and dodged fluidly, and so far, none of them have even nicked each other.

And then both knives clash together with a sharp, metallic noise—the blades are inches apart from both of their fingers.

Then Asano slides his leg behind Akabane’s and clotheslines him with one hand, the other hand still holding his knife to Akabane’s.

Akabane stumbles back, and Asano uses that opportunity to put his knife to Akabane’s neck.

Both boys are panting, but their eyes glint and they’re grinning.

“That one fights like an assassin and the red head fights like the street gangs do.” Lovro speaks as if those words should hold more meaning than they do.

“I suppose they do, but Asano is learning to be an assassin so that’s not unusual. And Karma has always been a delinquent.”

Lovro shakes his head.

“No, Asano fights like he’s been trained from an assassin. His style is very similar to the Reaper’s. Scarily similar.” Karasuma doesn’t know who this Reaper is, but it doesn’t sound good, “And the red head. Does he always wear that black cardigan?”

Karasuma blinks, “Why does it matter?”

“Ever heard of color gangs, Karasuma?” Is all Lovro says before walking off to confront the two.

And that’s when it hits him.

Color gangs.

They were definitely popular in this part of town, especially with teenagers. Most of them were just groups of kids who went around fighting each other, so the police don’t bother trying to stop them.

But some color gangs aren’t just children’s gangs.

Some can be deeply controlled by the yakuza. 

Karasuma hopes for Karma’s sake that he’s just involved in one of the smaller, children’s ones.

But he has a bad feeling that’s not the case.

—————————————————

“Who taught you both how to fight?” Lovro asks them.

Gakushu is on edge immediately.

This man is a criminal. He’s dangerous. He could hurt him at any time.

But he forces a pleasant expression and relaxes his shoulders, hiding the fear strumming through him.

“My father.” Gakushu responds, not understanding why the man’s gaze was so serious, but replying honestly anyways.

“Just some kids off the street.” Akabane says, playing with his knife.

“Maybe you should ask your father where he learnt to fight. I’m certain it will be interesting.”

Gakushu is confused. What was Lovro implying? Why doesn’t it matter where his father learnt to fight?

“And are you still with the black devils?” Lovro asks, looking towards Akabane, who suddenly tenses.

“I’m done with them. I’m not a part of them anymore.”

Gakushu is dying to ask Akabane what exactly that means, and why the boy was strung tight the way he is when he’s anxious.

But he waits as Lovro continues to talk.

“Hmm, tell me, you two. Do you want to be assassins?” 

Gakushu doesn’t quite register the question for a few moments, with his heart racing as fast as it is.

Then it clicks. 

He chooses his words carefully, deciding to play dumb for the moment.

“I suppose we do, since we’re trying to assassinate our teacher.”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” Lovro says, raising an eyebrow.

And before he can respond, Lovro lashes out with his knife.

Gakushu’s hyper vigilant state lets him narrowly dodge, but he has to move very, very fast.

So fast he nearly tumbles over; he would have fallen if it weren’t for Akabane’s arm quickly grabbing his shoulder to steady him.

Akabane removes his fingers just as fast, and Gakushu is grateful for that, he doesn’t think he could concentrate while feeling someone touching him right now.

Gakushu stands defensively with his knife held out in front of him, and Akabane mirrors him, albeit with his head hung down lower and his teeth bared.

They’re both ready for a fight. Gakushu’s eyes are locked onto Lovro’s. The rest of the world is a blur, the only thing in his mind right now is Lovro. 

But then someone’s shout breaks the haze.

“Lovro, what in the world are you doing?” Karasuma-sensei comes running towards them, and all three of them are snapped out of their mutual bloodlust, “You can’t just swing at them like that, you could have hurt him if he hadn't dodged last minute.”

“He’s a bit sloppy, he would have lost his balance if it weren’t for the other boy catching him.” Gakushu winces mentally as Lovro points it out, “But I can only count on one hand the number of people who have been able to completely dodge my knife like that.” Lovro muses. “If either of you are interested in becoming true assassins, here’s my number.”

Lovro hands out little business cards.

Gakushu stares at it, confused. He didn’t know assassins have business cards. How strange.

Karasuma-sensei looks a little sick.

“I don’t care, they're kids. This may be an assassination classroom, but if you want to train them, you have to do it in a safe manner. And don’t just try to recruit them like that. They’re clearly not interested.” Karasuma-sensei quickly checks in to see that they’re both alright.Karasuma-sensei’s gaze lingers on Akabane for a touch too long.

Gakushu knows something’s up with Akabane if evenKarasuma-sensei is acting strange around him. What exactly are the black devils and how is Akabane involved with them?

And he wants to know. Their whole friendship only works because neither of them pushed each other for answers, they never try to break each other’s walls down, or push through the defenses.

And Gakushu is conflicted. He doesn’t know if he’d be doing the right thing by asking him what’s going on. He’s always been too curious for his own good. But don’t most friends push each other a little bit? Don’t they try to slowly bridge the gap instead of staying distant?

But Gakushu has too many secrets of his own that he’s not willing to give up. He can’t demand that Akabane trust him more if he can’t trust him himself.

Gakushu continues to ponder this as they finalize their plan for the assassination. 

As the rest of the afternoon goes by, watching his classmates work together, eyes filled with determination, he comes to his decision. Their class is working so hard on this assassination attempt, and Gakushu doesn’t want his tension with Akabane affecting the plan. Especially when Isogai, Nagisa, Hazama and the rest of their friend group are so relieved that Gakushu and Akabane have made up.

So he’ll wait. Until the trip to Okinawa is over, and the assassination attempt takes place, he’ll drop it.

He runs his fingers through the knife holster. Akabane gave it to him at the end of the match, like he’d promised.

He attaches it to his leg, knowing that it’s probably not healthy for him to immediately feel safer knowing he has a knife on him, but feeling safer regardless.

Yet another thing that Gakushu wants to ask Akabane but isn’t ready to yet.

What in the world have you been through that makes you carry weapons with you at all times?

———————

At dinner that night, Gakushu brings up the strange comment Lovro made. And shows him the business card.

His father immediately pales.

“He told me I fight really similar to how the Reaper fights.” Gakushu explains.

His father looks strangely flustered.

“When Tadaomi told me he was bringing in an assassin to help out, I didn’t think this would happen—“ he mutters.

Tadaomi? Gakushu mouths. Since when are his father and Karasuma-Sensei on a first name basis? 

“Principal, what’s going on? Why did you teach me to fight like an assassin? How do you know how to fight like an assassin.” Gakushu demands, starting to get nervous.

His father looks conflicted.

“I really don’t see how this is relevant to you right now.” His father says at last. “Knowing this won’t help you.”

But he wants to know. Needs to know. His burning curiosity is tinged with crippling anxiety, the flames spreading out of control.

“If it’s something serious, then I need to know.” Then Gakushu pauses, a sudden thought hitting him, “Does it have anything to do with those flowers you get every Valentine’s Day?”

His father tenses.

Bingo. He was right. 

But something’s strange with this whole situation. Assassin business cards, the Reaper, and a bouquet of flowers? Where’s the connection?

“I’m not discussing my personal life with you, you’re too young.” His father sounds almost...pained, as he says that. 

And it angers Gakushu that his father is trying to make it seem like he’s trying to protect him from some dark, horrible past of his. He hates it. The fact that his man will hurt him and yell at him, and yet, act like he’s doing it all for Gakushu’s sake.

“I doubt there’s anything you’ve been through that you haven’t put me through.” He says, heatedly. 

His father’s hands clenched and he stands up abruptly, and Gakushu instinctively flinches back.

But his father wasn’t looking at him at all, just turning, walking away from him.

Just great. Why does Gakushu always snap and say these things in the heat of the moment? He knows it’ll provoke his father and he does it anyway. 

But more than that, Gakushu has to wonder what exactly is going on that can elicit such a strong reaction. Because the more he thinks, the more he realizes that his father is a strangely sentimental person.

Because every Valentine’s Day, he gets the same bouquet, and he stares at it wistfully, with sadness and longing.

His father also has that golden leaf pin he wears all the time; placed right over his heart. _A place Gakushu can rarely reach these days._

That thought sends Gakushu into a very dark place. Gakushu feels a sinking feeling in his chest, a painful emptiness he hasn’t felt in so long. 

He hasn’t felt this way in months now, he thought he’d gotten over the suicidal feelings. But just that one thought sends him spiraling back.

But he should have known better. These dark emotions start creeping up on him like they’d never left. He doesn’t know why he feels this way. Maybe it’s the stress of his packed summer schedule, or that he couldn’t go get ice cream with the rest of the class after their training session this afternoon because he had a music lesson to go to. Maybe it’s the pain of hearing everyone else talk about enjoying their summers and knowing that he’s not allowed that. He’s not allowed enjoyment. He doesn’t deserve it.

Maybe it’s sitting here alone at the dining table, the entire room too big, too cold. It’s too empty. And his father cares about people, but those people are never him, are they?

His father loves the people he’s lost more than the ones he’s with right now.

_Maybe Gakushu should just die then._

That thought, the thought that’s been haunting him for months now, is finally loud enough to make him pause. Loud enough for him to truly consider it again. 

And everything goes fuzzy, but his thoughts are clear enough. His thoughts are sharp enough to cut through the funny feeling of his racing heart and shallow breath.

Because dying is the only thing on his mind right now.

Gakushu heads up to his bedroom and every step he climbs only makes the distress in his chest grow. He wants it to go away. He wants it to _stop—-_

As soon as he locks the door shut, immediately presses his knife to his throat. 

His artery is right there. It would be so easy.

Then why can’t he do it?

Gakushu lets out a sob, and lets the knife drop to the floor.

He’s been building up towards this breakdown all of summer, hasn’t he. He really should have seen it coming.

He stares at the knife. Dying is hard. He can’t do this again. He told Ikeda he’d try again, he needs to save Korosensei and try to fix things with his father, but it’s becoming harder and harder each day.

Can Korosensei even live? Is his father even capable of change?

He thinks back to every moment that’s occurred between them. Yes, his father has been acting different, hasn’t he? He really has been holding back more.

Just today, he walked away from Gakushu instead of shouting at him.

But he’s not that much better. He still has way too many expectations for Gakushu, too much for him to handle under his fragile mental state.

That thought sends him back into tears.

He can’t do this anymore. He can’t do this, but he has to keep going anyways. 

He tries to take another deep breath, but it only leads to him choking on a sob again.

And that’s basically how the rest of the night goes. Crying, trying to be positive, but negative thoughts taking over him again. 

Needless to say, Gakushu can’t sleep at all that night. He’s unable to shut his mind off.

Ruminating about everything that’s happened so far, all the pain and loneliness—-everything he’s kept inside this summer has come to a breaking point. 

But he gets through it, wipes his tears, and keeps going. He needs to get through this.

And he does. He makes it through the night, not without considering suicide an additional five times throughout the night. But he’s still alive. He’s still here.

His heart is still beating.

The next morning, when he has to get up for the trip to Okinawa, he’s exhausted both physically and mentally.

Assassination? Gakushu doesn’t even think he can walk in a straight line, let alone carry out an assassination. People tend to seriously underestimate the exhaustion that comes from mental breakdowns.

Even he tends to forget about it sometimes, and he has one every other week. He laughs bitterly, then drinks even coffee that’s even more bitter.

He can already feel a headache coming on. This trip is not going to be a good one.

————————

One of the worst feelings you can get when you have dysfunctional parents is the big goodbye.

At the entrance to the cruise ship, he watches as several parents wish their kids goodbye for the school trip, hugging them and telling them “Now, have lots of fun, but stay safe and behave, you hear?”

It’s the loneliest feeling in the world, standing there with his father, lecturing him about keeping up with his schoolwork while on the trip. 

“We’re going to be busy assassinating, Principal. Or do you really think SAT vocabulary is more important than the fate of the world?” Gakushu drawls.

His father just smiles, “I know you’re capable of doing both at the same time, Asano-kun.”

Gakushu stares.

Coming from his father, that’s actually a compliment. Usually, he’d be ecstatic. Except with what’s going on right now in Gakushu’s mind, nothing about it feels good to him.

Then they’re called onto the ship.

Before he turns to leave, Gakushu feels gentle fingers run through his hair, smoothing it back.

He tenses, looking up at his father with bewilderment.

“Your hair is in a bit of a disarray. You were practically half dead this morning, so I think you forgot to comb it.”

“I didn’t sleep last night.” He mutters. 

His father continues stroking his hair for longer than necessary. Gakushu finds himself leaning into it.

“Well, I suppose if that’s the case then you can catch up on sleep before you get started on the schoolwork just this once. I don’t like the thought of you walking around in a foreign place half dead on your feet.” His father speaks uncomfortably, as if he doesn’t quite know how to word it.

Gakushu is just as shocked. 

His father actually cares about Gakushu’s health for once? Is the world coming to an end?

Never mind, don’t answer that.

“Thank you, father.” Gakushu says, quietly, before he realizes what he’s done. He’s called him father. For the first time in a long time.

He turns away, not wanting to see the expression on his father’s face.

He reminds himself not to get too attached. His father always acts nicer after they fight. But this time they didn’t quite fight. 

His father walked away before it could escalate.

Maybe his father really was changing?

No. Gakushu shook the thought off. That was silly. He wasn’t going to get his hopes up for something that wasn’t going to happen.

But deep down, despite his words, he is optimistic. The childish part of him hopes so badly that he’s right. That maybe, things will be alright.

He touches his hair, remembering how his father touched it, and it didn’t even hurt at all. It was gentle. Dare say, even loving?

For the first time in a long time, this goodbye didn’t leave him blinking away his tears.

This time, despite the exhaustion in his bones, and the headache pulsing through him, he doesn’t feel like crying.

For the first time, he genuinely smiles.


	13. My Worst Habit Is My Own Sadness

Gakushu rubs his eyes, startling awake as he hears shouting. The sun rays burn his eyes, and he jumps up, squinting at his classmates. Why were they shouting? Were they alright?

He needn’t have been worried. Those were shouts of excitement. Everyone is smiling, looking out into the front of the boat, chattering about how they can see Okinawa island.

He slumps back against the side of the ship. God, he’s still so exhausted.

Hazama pulls out her earphones from next to him. They were the only two curled up on the side of the ship, under the shade. The rest of the lucky bastards don’t have to worry about getting sunburnt, like the two of them do.

“Vampires.” Akabane had teased them. Hazama beamed, and took it as a compliment but Gakushu just rolled his eyes and retorted, “You’re the one with those sharp fangs, are you sure you’re not the vampire?”

Akabane had just winked, before heading out into the sun.

That idiot should know better than heading out in the sun like that, since he’s a redhead, but Akabane doesn’t care about getting sunburnt, it seems.

If that fucker gets skin cancer, it’s his own fault.

“I see you’ve returned to land of the living.” She holds out her earbud. “Want some music? I have something to talk with you about.”

Gakushu moves closer, accepting the earbud. They really haven’t spent much time together have they?

He listens to the upbeat tunes blaring through. It’s surprisingly not as depressing as you’d expect from someone who acts like Hazama does.

That’s something he feels like he’s constantly reminded of. Everyone acts. Everyone puts up a mask.

Most people are not what they seem, ever.

“I know today is going to be hard on you, isn’t it?” Hazama starts.

Gakushu nods, remembering what he has to do today. The thing he’s going to have to face. But he doesn’t know what this has to do with what Hazama wants to tell him.

“I know you’re not religious, but I am religious. I’m a theistic satanist.” She says, her voice filling with uncharacteristic passion at the last word. Gakushu blinks.

Okay.

Hazama is a satanist. Why is he not surprised.

“What, do you want me to join you on a ritual or something?” He jokes.

But Hazama doesn’t say anything. Just smiles.

Gakushu has a sudden, sinking feeling.

The two of them spend the next ten minutes drawing a pentagram on the deck of the ship and trying to summon a demon to grant him courage. It’s not something he believes in personally, but Hazama seems wholeheartedly invested in it, so Gakushu goes along. The principles of satanism aren’t something he totally disagrees with. It has the Machiavellian vibes that his father loves.

“I don’t get why people have problems with satanism. It gets a bad rep, but it’s not what most people think it is.” She says, her face strangely serene as they erase the pentagram, “And if you don’t believe in it, then fine. But it’s a religion just like any other religion. We don’t hurt other people and remain under the bounds of the law. So why the hate?”

“Because they assume it’s for 14 year old goth children who try too hard to be edgy?” He says, helpfully.

Hazama rolls her eyes at him.

“You like the same music that I do,” she points out. “You’re just as edgy as I am. But do you feel any different? I used magick on you, so you should be feeling more courage right now.”

Gakushu thinks about it, and yes, he does feel a little less weary, and a bit more confident now, so he just nods.

Hazama’s lips twist in a smile, and then they end up getting into a debate about the best My Chemical Romance song.

Gakushu doesn’t bother telling her that the reason he feels better now is most likely not because of a demon or magick, but because of her.

He’s had people try to cheer him up before, but never anyone who drew a pentagram and performed a ritual just to try and make him feel more confident.

———-  
They arrive at the destination, and are offered drinks. Gakushu takes one, and glares down at it.

“What are you looking at your drink like that, Asano? What did the poor thing ever do to you?” Akabane teases him, as they all sit together under a booth.

“It’s not coffee.” He states. Akabane and Nagisa exchange amused glances.

“Are you still that tired? You slept the entire ride here.” Nagisa asks, dryly.

“Yeah, we have pictures of you sleeping on Hazama’s shoulder. It’s adorable.” Kayano smirks.

Gakushu rolls his eyes, “I slept, I suppose. I’m alright physically, but I’m still exhausted emotionally.” He runs his fingers through his messy hair, trying to neaten it up.

He doesn’t notice the way his friends are watching him worriedly.

“Is something wrong, Gakushu?” Nagisa asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Is it about the assassination today?” Akabane asks quietly, his eyes knowing.

Gakushu closes his eyes for a moment. “No, it’s fine. I don’t want to ruin the moment. We have an assassination to get to.”

“Asano—“ Akabane starts, but Gakushu turns away. “We should get started with our plan, remember?”

He knows that out of everyone here, Akabane is the one who knows how hard this is for him. But he doesn’t want people to pity him right now. This isn’t about him. Not about his issues. It’s about their class, and he’s not going to mess things up for them.

This is something that’s started to bug him lately. What if him being here in this timeline messes things up for E-Class? Initially, he didn’t think it was a big deal. None of the things their class has done so far has been that important.

But this assassination is a big deal. His father has been quite vocal about how expensive it was to rent out the entire beach and keep all the employees silent.

And if Gakushu makes his classmates unable to perform at their best, how will he even know?

Hazama flashes in his mind, drawing a pentagram for him.

Granted courage by Magick.

Gakushu clears his head. Tries to draw on that courage. He was given this change by Ikeda. A chance to make things better.

He needs to stop worrying about what could happen and take the leap forward. This is going to be hard for him, but when has that ever stopped him?

Putting the thoughts aside, he gets started on their plan. They all split up into their groups, and start distracting Koro-Sensei.

Gakushu is the best mid-range shooter in their class, so he heads on along with Chiba and Hayami, who are the best long and short distance shooters.

He doesn’t work as well as those two do together, but he’s practiced coordinating with them well enough.

“Let’s decide on a spot.” Hayami says, starting to climb over the rocky path

“Then we’re free to choose a location to shoot from.” Chiba says.

“We should test out a few different angles before deciding.” Gakushu adds.

“They’re so serious, those three.” He hears someone whisper from behind him.

“Yeah, they pretty much seem like working adults.”

Gakushu is used to comments like those, so thinks nothing of it. He never really had much of a childhood anyways, so he shrugs it off. He needs to focuse on preparing himself for the hardest part of the assassination today.

“You think you’re ready for it, Asano-kun?” Chiba asks him, quietly.

Gakushu laughs, “Oh, of course not. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. But I’m going to do it anyways.”

Hayami meets his eyes, offering a tentative grin. “Now that’s the spirit. But I think we’ll do just fine. We’ve all prepared for this. Our class is counting on us.”

That doesn’t make his nerves feel any better.

As the sun sets, and they’re all ready for the final phase of the plan, Gakushu grows more and more nervous.

This assassination plan is making all of them anticipatory but none of them feel the sheer terror Gakushu is starting to feel creep up on him.

While the others are finishing up with getting Koro-sensei to eat dinner on the ship, he hides in the bathroom, splashing water on his face to try to clear his head. The boy looking back at him in the mirror is pale and clammy. Sometimes he can’t even recognize himself when he gets like this.

The bathroom door clicks open.

“Nervous?” Akabane’s voice echoes through the bathroom, “I had a feeling you wouldn’t be doing well, so I came after you.”

“I’m fine, Akabane. You should focus on your own part of the plan. You don’t need to worry about me,” Gakushu lies, and watches as Akabane hesitates.

Hesitates because the thick walls they’ve built between them ever since the start of their friendship is still there. Clear boundaries that mean they can’t push each other for answers, if one of them hints to back off, the other needs to back off.

And Akabane doesn’t like this. Gakushu doesn’t either. But they don’t have time to go through this right now.

“We can talk after this is over.” Gakushu says at last, after wiping the water off his face. “I promise we’ll talk after. Just not right now.”

Akabane’s face has an unreadable expression, and then he nods.

“Whatever. I’ll just tell you one last thing before this all goes down.” Then Akabane leans in. Close enough to catch him by surprise, but not close enough to startle him.

And he says, in that quiet voice of his, something that makes Gakushu’s breath catch.  
—————-———————

Koro-sensei walks into the hut, feeling incredibly proud of his students, and yet, he’ll admit, a bit cocky.

There’s really no way they can defeat him at the moment, but he’d like to see them try. With his scent, he’s already picked up on the fact that Chiba, Hayami, and Asano are standing outside the hut, at an angle that’s perfect to shoot him from. He just needs to be aware of that direction and he’ll be fine.

But then his students bring out the video.

He feels his jaw drop, embarrassment filling him from head to toe.

He can’t believe they’d resort to psychological tactics. He’s taught them too well, hasn’t he.

He spends the next hour minutes feeling like he’s ready to crawl into a hole and just die already.

Finally, the video ends. But then he looks down and notices the water that’s soaking his tentacles.

No way.

The high tide—

Then the students shoot his tentacles off. It doesn’t hurt, but he feels a bit sad to see them go.

He is rather attached to his tentacles, the way humans are attached to their hair, he supposes. But oh well, he did promise it as a reward for their high scores.

He’s slower now, but still fine. As long as he keeps a nose on the three snipers from the window, he’ll be fine.

And then it happens. The hut collapses and streams of water shoot up above his head. They’re using water pressure from the fly boards to create a—

Hydraulic cage?

Then Ritsu starts shooting.

None of them are shooting at him directly. They’re shooting around him to confuse and make it hard for him to escape.

Koro-sensei is finally starting to panic. How is he going to get out of this one? He’s never gotten out of a situation this sticky with all his years of being an assassin.

And just when he thinks it couldn’t get worse, Chiba and Hayami pop up from under the water.

When did they get there? They must have been there the entire time and just tricked him with their scent. Dammit.

At least Asano won’t be down here due to his aquaphobia—-

Then he feels a pellet hit the side of his head.

He whips his head around to see Asano down in the water. His gun is pointed at him.

In that moment, Koro-sensei is ashamed to admit that he questions if Asano was ever truly that afraid of water. Kataoka’s friend was exaggerating about her trauma too.

But then he notices Asano’s wide eyes, his too pale face and shaking fingers.

He is not lying. He looks truly afraid

No.

His eyes are wide, but there’s a determined glint to them. His hands are shaking but he’s still aiming true.

He’s not just afraid, but someone who’s facing his fear.  
———————————————-  
Gakushu is terrified. He’s been terrified this whole time.

But Akabane’s words have stuck with him, even if he doesn’t know why. The words he told him in the bathroom, when he was frazzled and nervous.

“You’re stronger than you think, Asano. I know you can do this on your own. But if you slip up, we’ll help you. We won’t let you drown. I saved you once, I can save you again.”

All those weeks ago, Gakushu was pulled into the pool in the whole incident with Terasaka. He nearly drowned again. But Akabane jumped in to get him.

And that memory is what gives him the courage to go forth. To push past the fear.

He pulls the trigger.

Koro-sensei’s distraction costs him. In that moment when he turned to look at Gakushu, several other pellets were heading towards him.

The bullets collide into Korosensei, and there’s a huge explosion.

Gakushu drags himself out of the water, his heart still racing a little too fast for comfort. But he did it.

It’s done now.

That thought makes him feel a little sick. He never wanted Korosensei to actually die. He was certain that Korosensei would survive this. That’s why he worked so hard. He wouldn’t have actually tried to kill him knowing what he does know.

But then they find him. In a ball shape. Everyone else looks frustrated that he’s still alive, but Gakushu is relieved. So relieved he nearly cries.

But then Korosensei goes on to explain his ultimate defense form, and how he’s indestructible for 24 hours.

Everyone around him goes silent. They all look extremely down.

Then Akabane steps up, holding out a picture of Koro-sensei reading porn. And shoving the screen into Koro-Ball’s face.

“Nyaa!” Koro-sensei shouts. “I can’t even cover my face, I’m so embarrassed.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll put it a bit closer.”

“No—“

Akabane teases Koro-sensei, putting a slug on him and talking about how he’s going to put him in the underwear of an old man.

“Who knows, he might enjoy that.” Gakushu comments.

Korosensei sputters, “Asano-kun!”

Akabane winks at him, “I don’t see him denying it, though.”

A couple kids crack a grin at their antics, but most of them are still looking rather depressed. It’s fine, they’ll process their emotions eventually and move on. Healthy human minds are wonderful that way.

Unhealthy minds, though, are a completely other story, aren’t they?

Gakushu looks back down at the water and shudders.

“Hey, Asano. Catch.” Akabane tosses a towel at him, and he reaches out to grab it instinctively. “You look cold.”

Gakushu nods his thanks, and then looks back at Hayami and Chiba.

“You can head back with the rest of the kids. I’m going to check in with them.” Gakushu says.

Soon, the rest of the kids leave.

“You know, I could tell from the moment I pulled the trigger that it was a miss.” Chiba says.

Ritsu spouts out some statistics on how they could have improved their shot, and it does make Gakushu grit his teeth in frustration with himself.

Ritsu tells him that if he’d kept his fingers just a little bit steadier instead of letting his trembling mess him up, then he could have had a better shot.

Even knowing that it would have killed Korosensei, which is not something he wants to happen, part of him still feels the need for perfection.

He needs to get it right, goddammit.

The other snipers look just as disappointed with themselves.

“We’ll use this frustration to make ourselves stronger.” Gakushu says, looking them in the eyes. Even Chiba, who always hides his eyes. “We’ll remember this feeling for the next time. I promise that the next time it comes down to us, we won’t fail.”

Hayami looks surprised at the heat in his words.

This sounds awfully similar to the speech he gave his class after getting second place to Akabane on the finals.

And it works just as well.

Hayami looks a little less down, and Chiba looks more thoughtful.

They head back inside with the rest of them. Immediately, he notices that everyone looks insanely tired. Gakushu relates. He’s been exhausted all summer, to be honest.

But this isn’t right. They all look like Gakushu after two all-nighters in a row and a soccer tournament.

And no, please don’t ask why that sounds so specific.

There’s no way they all feel that tired.

Then all of a sudden, it gets worse. Okajima’s nose starts spurting blood, and while usually, he’d think he deserves it, he looks like he’s in agony.

Nakamura collapses, burning up. Hazama starts sweating, curling into herself.

“Hazama.” Gakushu reaches for her. “What’s wrong?”

“I feel hot. Like I’m in hell already and satan is throwing me a welcoming party.” Gakushu blinks. He’s not going to get into that. He gets her some water, and makes sure she’s alright before heading out to find the adults.

“Wait. Asano—“ she calls out, “There’s something wrong with this place. My Magick senses something strange. I know you probably think this is BS but please take this pentagram.”

She pulls off a necklace he didn’t realize she had. It’s shiny and silver, with the five pointed pentagram.

Gakushu is hesitant but accepts it anyways. It’s light weight enough not to weigh him down, so it can’t hurt him. If it makes Hazama feel better for him to have it, then he’d keep it.

“Thank you.” Gakushu says, and despite his skepticism, he’s sincere.  
—————————————————-  
Karasuma-sensei fills him in on what’s going on. There’s someone who wants Korosensei’s head in exchange for an antidote. They wanted Nagisa and Kayano to bring it in since they’re the smallest in the class.

But then Karasuma-sensei approaches Gakushu.

“Asano-kun, sorry to ask this of you, but I need to make a few other important calls right now and we don’t have enough time. Can you call your father and inform him of the situation? And tell him that I need to know if he has any insider information on the kind of business going on up here.”

Gakushu doesn’t particularly want to, but he knows it’s important, so he does anyways.

“Hello? Principal? This is Asano. Something’s happening right now and Karasuma-sensei told me to fill you in,”

His father is immediately alert, and listens to Gakushu’s explanation. He does seem rather outraged by the transformative powers of Koro-sensei and what that means for the science field, but other than that, is mostly quiet.

“My sources say that Okinawa Island has a booming crime business up by that hotel on the mountaintop. Drugs, parties and yakuza are present. And they’re mostly immune to the law—they have connections to the upper positions of the government? I see—“ his father sounds rather evil at this point, “I’ll enjoy discovering their identities and tearing them apart, for sure.”

Gakushu is a little bit surprised at just how much his father knows and how much he’s aware of all these illegal businesses and all the ties he has with the government.

It’s kind of cool, except Gakushu feels incredibly lost and hurt by how much his father kept from him. It brings him back to the fight they had last night about how his father didn’t want to tell him important things relevant to Gakushu.

Before he hangs up, his father adds one last thing, “There’s this kid in your class, Akabane. Mention the yakuza and ask if he knows anything about it as well.”

Gakushu isn’t sure what that last part means, but he relays the information to Karasuma.

That conversation messed him up again. He’s back to remembering things he’d rather not think about.

He’s a bit distant from everything going on and he’s silent throughout all the debates on what to do, which is unusual for him.

He’d usually be leading a discussion, not staring blankly into space ignoring it all. The only thing he picks up on is the way Karma tenses when Karasuma mentions the yakuza.

“Gakushu,” Nagisa whispers, and Gakushu flinches. He didn’t notice he was even there, “Is something wrong? I overheard you talking to your father. Did he say something to upset you?”

Gakushu tries to calm himself, “It’s nothing. I just—I need to concentrate. That’s it.”

Nagisa looks a bit skeptical.

“I get it, you know. I was looking forward to getting three days away from my mom. I would be upset if I was forced to call her in the middle of my vacation.”

Gakushu is painfully reminded of the fact that he’s not the only one with issues. Nagisa has similar problems to him.

There are undoubtedly others in this class who're struggling like he is.

Gakushu clutches onto the necklace Hazama gave him,“Yeah, I’m upset. Of course I am. I hate everything that’s been happening so far. I had to stay underwater for an entire hour. A fucking hour. I was on the verge of a panic attack nearly the entire time. I didn’t aim as good as I could have because my fingers were shaking at that point.”

He takes in a deep breath blinking away his tears. He can’t cry now, “And now, everyone is sick, I needed to get help from my father, and now I need to smile and be inspiring and all. I need to play hero and help find the fucking cure because if I don’t, everyone is going to die and it’ll be my fault if I don’t get it together. And there’s something up with Akabane, but I’m not allowed to fucking ask him because if I do it’ll ruin all the trust we have between us.”

“Gakushuu that’s not—you’re not—“ Nagisa stumbles over his words.

“You’re not fucking alone, dumbass.” Akabane steps out from behind him. “For someone who’s supposed to be smart, you seem to think everything is your fault. This isn't your problem. It’s 3-E’s problem. We’re all going to get this done together, so just lean on us a little.”

Akabane hesitates then, “And the other thing—I don’t know. I don’t know if you even want to know. It’s not a pretty story.”

Akabane leans closer, bowing his head down, “And it kills me just as much when I want to ask you about something but I can’t because I know you’ll just lie and it’ll ruin the trust you have for me.” His voice is nearing a whisper.

Gakushu feels like knives are stabbing into his chest.

“Not now.” He wheezes out. “We have to go on our mission for the antidote. We’ll get this out of the way after we’re done, alright?”

Akabane rests his hand on Gakushu’s shoulder. “I don’t think you really listened to me, Asano. Please don’t take all the pressure of this mission onto yourself until you reach your breaking point. I hate having to watch that.”

“Okay.” Gakushu takes in a deep, stilted breath. “Alright. You have a point. We’re all working together. I got it.”

They did just fine last time around, so they must have gotten by even without his help. So that means Gakushu isn’t really needed here at all. They don’t need him.

He’s useless here anyway, so there’s no point pretending that he can actually make a difference.

That was probably not the mindset Akabane wanted him to have, and the redhead seems to pick up from his tone that he’s still not in a healthy mindset.

But before they have any more time to talk, Karasuma-sensei is calling for them to go on with the plan.

Gakushu can only hope that him being here with this trainwreck of a mental state won’t completely ruin the plan. But he has a really bad feeling, and he can almost understand what Hazama meant with her Magick sensing something strange.

Something is going to go horribly wrong, and he just knows it.


	14. With a little time, take a look and find what you're searching for

The Special task force quickly climbs up the side of the cliff, putting their skills to the test. Gakushu and Okano in particular manage to use gymnastic techniques to make it to the top effortlessly. 

Jelavic-sensei is attached to the back of Karasuma-sensei, and Koro-sensei is being held on a rope, since he’s still a ball. He feels a bit impressed at Karasuma-sensei’s ability to climb with that much additional weight. Gakushu doesn’t think he’s capable of that. 

He isn’t nearly that strong, despite all the exercise he does. He’s much more nimble, though, which helps him climb fast. But these skinny jeans and leather jacket probably weren’t the best clothes to wear for this, he realizes.

Ritsu helps them get into the building, but they get stumped at the entrance. They need to sneak past the lobby, but it’s nearly impossible.

Then Jelavic-sensei walks right in. She uses her piano skills to seduce the guards, giving them an opening.

Gakushu is unaffected by her seduction, but even he can appreciate her talent. 

“She made an error on that last note though. She really should practice more.” Gakushu comments. Yada chokes.

“I want to see the look on Bitch-Sensei when she hears you say that.” Okano grins. 

Karasuma-sensei comments on Jelavic-sensei’s skills, and how she can do basically anything that might come useful in a honeypot assassination. Languages, ballet, piano, and so on.

That makes Gakushu pause for a moment. He’s fairly certain he can do any of those things. 

Too bad he’s not a girl. He doubts gay honeypot assassins are in much demand.

They head into the next floor where Karasuma stops them.

“There’s a reason I had you come dressed the way you are. We can act like regular guests now that we’re past the checkpoint.”

“But isn’t this the place where bad guys stay?” Sugaya asks.

“Yes, but there’s a fair number of trust fund kids here. Rich kids who are sheltered, they stain their hands doing immoral deeds with an innocent face.”

“That’s right. You will pretend to be one of those children. Let’s walk as if the whole world is beneath us.”

Gakushu hears those words in a different way than everyone else does.

Is that really what they think about rich kids? Gakushu was a rich kid. Yes, he was very—immoral. At least last year, he was. But that was how he was raised. And he really did do his best to put his foot down when his father pushed him to do more and more drastic things.

Like that one time he told him he should have poisoned E class’s food. People would have gotten sick. They would have to take days off work and pay hospital bills they can’t afford. Someone could have died.

While Gakushu’s anxious mind can run through all those possibilities, his father can sometimes be oblivious to consequences when his obsessions takes over.

He supposes that’s what people think of rich kids. Ignorant to the consequences of the people below them. Gakushu was taught how to interact with high class society at a young age. He was also taught how to avoid getting sucked in by greed.

He learnt how to keep his back straight and his chin tilted at a slightly downward angle. Looking down at everyone.

But Gakushu always struggled with looking down. Even at a young age, he kept looking up. Instead of looking down at the things below him, he looked up to the things out of his reach.

He looked up at his father, the one person who’s gaze he could never meet.

Walking through these halls makes his skin crawl.

“We don’t know who our enemy is so be on high alert as we move on.” Koro-sensei tells them.

“Got it.” They reply.

High alert? How funny. Gakushu is always on high alert. But now, walking down here, he feels practically hyper vigilant. Every noise makes him uncomfortable, and every step he takes is careful. He watches everything, even the slightest movement. It’s overwhelming.

That’s when he sees it. The man walking towards him. His fingers make the slightest movement, and Gakushu immediately feels terror take over him.

No. Don’t react.

Gakushu often sees things as threatening when they aren’t. This is probably one of those situations. There are lots of reason why the man’s fingers are moving. Even though he tells himself he’s safe, his limbs still lock unintentionally. 

The people behind him bump into him.

“Hey, why’d you stop?”

“Terasaka-kun!” Fuwa shouts, “Look out.”

The man whips out a gun, and Karasuma-sensei immediately jumps forward, pushing back Terasaka. 

An explosion of gas startles them, and the man speaks, “How did you two know? The pastel boy and the kappa girl?” He looks at Gakushu and Fuwa. Fuwa bristles at the comment on her bob haircut. Gakushu is particularly wounded by the insinuation that his light pink shirt, strawberry blonde hair, and lavender eyes make him look pastel.

“Mister. You were the one who gave us those complimentary drinks when we first got to the hotel.” Fuwa starts explaining her thought process. Gakushu is impressed, but mostly terrified. He was too tired to notice the face of the staff, but looking back, he probably should have tried harder.

What if something like this happens again because Gakushu wasn’t alert enough? No matter how alert he is, he never picks up on the right cues, does he? He’s always overwhelmed by everything he notices so he never remembers anything of importance.

“What about you, boy? How did you notice? I saw you stop and stare at me.”

Gakushu startles, realizing everyone is watching him, “I just saw your fingers twitch   
in your pocket.”

The man looks a bit confused, “How did you figure me out from seeing my fingers twitch in my pocket?”

“My mind automatically jumps to the worst possible conclusion, which was that you wanted to kill us.”

“Geez, kid, do you walk around thinking everyone is going to kill you because their fingers twitch?”

Before Gakushu can respond, Karasuma-sensei collapses.

The man talks about how he’s poisoned Karasuma-sensei, and goes into a speech about how he’s the best poisoner, but Gakushu catches the eyes of a few of his classmates, and quickly, they head towards the exit.

Gakushu picks up a chair, and raises it to block the exit.

The man—Smog—finishes his speech and turns towards them, and is shocked.

“In the instance we come across an enemy, immediately cut off their exit. They’ve fulfilled their orders. The moment you saw us, you should have gone back to report it instead of attacking.”

“I’m surprised you can still talk. But it’s just a bunch of brats. After I kill you, there won’t be any more orders to follow and then they’ll just run away.”

Gakushu’s heart pounds as he watches Karasuma-sensei square up to fight Smog. He could die here. They could all die here.

But then Karasuma-sensei kicks Smog in the head, faster than his eyes could even track. Gakushu thought he was good at fighting, but Karasuma-sensei is insane. There is truly a difference between Gakushu, with his still child-like body and Karasuma-sensei, an adult with more skill than Gakushu at this age could achieve, no matter how hard he tries.

Then Karasuma-sensei collapses. 

But he takes his opponent down with him. 

And that’s all that matters.  
——-

They enter the next floor with a bit of apprehension. They have no teacher left to protect them. Karasuma-sensei is injured for the time being. They’re on their own.

“My, it’s finally beginning to feel like summer vacation.” Koro-sensei says, cheerfully.

Yes, it’s finally starting to feel like a season of depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies, Gakushu thinks to himself, sarcastically.

The students all shout at Koro-sensei, and then Koro-sensei starts explaining himself. 

“Teachers and students do not share a familiar relationship.” Gakushu holds back a snort at this. How ironic considering him and his father. Koro-sensei gives them a pep talk that would be far more effective if Gakushu doesn’t ressent summer the way he does.

Then they enter a new hallway, and there’s an assassin guarding them.

Gakushu’s a bit embarrassed to admit that the first thought to come to mind is that he’s attractive. 

“That guy standing over there looks real badass!” 

“...his atmosphere.”

“Yeah, you can totally tell.”

The man wears a pearl necklace with a long shiny coat, and belted leather pants. His hair is long and blonde, reaching past his chin. 

Gakushu never realized he had a type, but flamboyant and dangerous seems to be his. 

The man smashes his hand against the wall, sending cracks shooting up the concrete.

Gakushu flinches, and he’s not the only one. But he feels this send his stress to a whole new level. He feels himself start to panic again, and truly panic. 

“If I can hear your footsteps, then I can’t consider any of you to be a formidable opponent.” 

The dangerously beautiful man, who introduces himself as Grip, starts talking about his barehanded killing method, and how he wants to try it out on more than just an assasination.

“In other words, a deathmatch with a strong opponent. But seeing this pathetic display destroyed my urge to try something new.”

Then Akabane steps up, smashing a potted plant into the wall, causing an even bigger crack, one that makes him startle once again.

What in the world is Akabane thinking?

But Gakushu notices the shift in demeanor. Akabane isn’t fooling around here. He’s dead serious, despite the fake grin on his face and the mocking words spewing from his lips.

Karasuma sensei tries to stop it, but Koro-sensei makes him pause. Points out that Karma has his chin down, not up. Akabane isn’t underestimating his opponent.

And so Gakushu watches. Even though he knows it would go faster if he joined in to help, he has a feeling Akabane has a trick down his sleeve. 

And he does. Akabane wins with his clever trick. Gakushu has a feeling Akabane has more experience with fighting people this way. Even Gakushu isn’t as well versed with these types of dirty fights.

“How did I do?” Akabane asks, grinning.

“Your angle of the high kick was off by a couple degrees, but it was acceptable.” Gakushu lets the twitch of his lips show that he’s joking.

After a few more floors, they’ve reached the floor that stumps them. They need to cut through a party that’s hard to get in.

“It’s easy to get the girls in. But they’re going to need to sneak the rest of us in somehow.”

The girls start planning how they’re going to get in, but then Akabane pipes up, “Hey Nagisa. Why don’t you go with them. You pass as a girl.”

Nagisa turns a bit pale, looking away.

“Stop it, Akabane. That’s rude.” Gakushu snaps, a bit too harshly, perhaps, because Akabane looks at him, hurt. 

Nagisa steps between them. “No, it’s fine, I can if we need a guy—“

“Why would they need a guy? The girls are completely capable on their own.” Gakushu pauses, looking to the girls questioningly, “Actually, I don’t want to assume. Do you girls feel comfortable on your own?”

The girls look at each other for a moment, hesitating. Kayano speaks up, “I’d like to say yes, but if it’s a party with alcohol, drugs, and criminals, I’m just not sure if it’s safe.”

Fair enough. Even Gakushu would feel anxious at the thought of going in there. But then again, he’s just anxious in general. 

Nagisa looks conflicted. Gakushu really doesn’t want for him to have to make this choice. Nagisa and him have discussed this topic intensively. While Nagisa is fine with his classmates thinking he’s a feminine boy, it would devastate him to have them tease him about being a girl.

So he has to make a decision quickly. 

“I'll come with you then.” Gakushu says, when the thought strikes him, “It’s hard to get boys in, but not impossible.”

“How are you going to get in?” 

“I’ve been to parties like this before. I think I know the kind of mentality the bouncers have here. I’m just going to need to wear something a little more—flamboyant.”

Gakushu was already wearing a queer coded outfit—tight skinny jeans and a leather jacket over a pink shirt—like that man said, pastel. But it could certainly pass for just stylish.

Now, he has on a choker he found from the side of the pool, and studded bracelets that match. He rolls up his sleeves and unbuttons the first few buttons of his shirt. The most flamboyant he’s ever tried to look in his life. 

He finds himself loving it.

The girls and him walk up to the bouncers, and Gakushu gives everyone one last glance, “You girls ready?”

“We’ve got this.” Kataoka grins.

Immediate, the girls switch to acting giggly. They smile too much and laugh as they talk to the bouncers about the cute boys who’ve invited them.

The bouncers nod, but it’s obvious they aren’t listening to a word they’re saying, already moving to let them in.

“Hold up, what are you doing here boy?” A bouncer notices Gakushu.

Gakushu flips his hair and winks, “I’m here with the girls. I’m a part of their entourage, you see.”

“Yeah, he’s our gay best friend. It’s the new trend in the western countries to bring a queer kid along with the girls. He makes us look trendy!” Kayano giggles. It’s so stupid Gakushu has to try not to break down laughing.

Gakushu looks the bouncer from head to toe, licking his lips.

The bouncer looks disgusted, “Ugh, just—get in already.” He moves to let them in.

He hears the muttered, “Stupid girls and their fucking perverted trends. I wanted to kick the faggot out but those girls looked like they’d cause a scene and I don’t have time for their drama.” 

Gakushu grimaces, but that was what they were going for, so it works, he supposes.

“That was the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done.” Kayano says, hands over her mouth trying not to laugh, “I’m surprised it actually worked.”

“I can’t believe you weaponized homophobia, Asano-kun.” Yada adds, “I’m going to try that from now on.”

Kayano picks up on the insinuation of that, “Wait. Yada, you’re queer?”

“Yep, and I’m proud.” Yada smiles, and reaches into her shirt to pull out a necklace. There’s the sunset lesbian flag colors within a heart.

“Me too.” Kayano smiles, “I don’t have one of those, but I have socks.” Kayano points out her rainbow socks, barely poking out of her shoes.

Gakushu hadn’t noticed those until she pointed them out.

“I think I’m Bi.” Kataoka chews her lip, “I don’t have any pride merchandise, though. I don’t think I can risk getting any either. And please, don’t tell anyone. My parents—“

“Yeah, I get it.” Yada nods, sadly, “My brother had to sneak me this necklace without my parents knowing. They’d probably beat me if they find out.”

Those words make Gakushu wince a little.

“I haven’t explicitly told you girls, but I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m gay now.” Gakushu says.

“Yeah, I was wondering about that flamboyant outfit since the moment I saw you change into it after the assassination, to be honest.” Yada smirks.

“Wow, I guess Hayami, Hinata and I are the only straight kids here out of all of us.” Fuwa jokes, “It’s kind of ironic considering all the attention you guys are getting.”

It’s true. They are drawing a lot of stares.

“Hey, where are you guys from? Wanna have a drink over there with me? I have money, so I’ll pay for whatever you guys want.” A boy calls out to them.

The girls all stare at him with suspicion.

Then Kataoka steps up, “Well, most of us here are gay. You can take him though.” Kataoka shoves Gakushu forward.

Gakushu glares at Kataoka, who just smiles at him, “Come on, if it’s just you, you’ll be fine. You can defend yourself. We’ll call you when we finish preparing for the plan.” Then Kataoka leaves, before Gakushu can argue.

“Wait, what—I’m not a fag—“ The boy cries out, as Gakushu is left stranded with him.

“Well neither am I. That’s a derogatory word. Look, why don’t we just hang out and talk or something. As friends. I’m not even interested in you romantically. No offense, you’re not my type.”

The boy seems to be relieved at that. “Oh, just as friends? I’m fine with that.”

Gakushu has a feeling this boy doesn’t even like girls that much, he’s just very lonely and needs a friend. He reminds him of Ren, somewhat. In his overly flirtatious manner.

The boy—Yuuji, as he introduces himself, leads him to a table, and gives him a drink.

“Damn, you’ve got all those pretty girls hanging around you. What do you do to act all cool? Do you smoke weed? I have some here. It’s really cool to do this stuff at this age, isn’t it?”

Gakushu reaches out and plucks the cigarette out of his hand. 

“Girls don’t like this kind of stuff, Yuuji. And even if they did, why don’t you do what you like, instead of what you think others like?”

Yuuji is stumped for a moment. “I mean—I like dancing. I’ve been doing it since I was a kid.”

Gakushu perks up. “Me too. I’ve done ballet since I was a kid. I stopped two years ago though. So I’m a bit rusty.”

They get into a passionate discussion about dance. Yuuji’s eyes glow, and for the first time since he’s met him, the boy actually seems happy.

“Have you seen that new Tik-Tok dance that’s trending? Let me show you—“ Yuuji tries to demonstrate a move, but there’s a person behind him—

“Look out—“ Gakushu cries out, but it’s too late. 

Yuuji’s hand knocks into the man’s arm, spilling the drink he’s holding all over his shirt.

It’s a very rich looking man, one wearing an expensive coat. And his drink just spilled all over it.

“Hey you! You’d better pay for this, you faggot.” Yuuji flinches, and the man catches the movement, “Don’t deny it. I see you hanging out with that queer, so proudly. It’s disgusting.”

Then, Gakushu understands why Yuuji was so hesitant to associate with Gakushu when they first met. 

The world he lives in is a different one from Gakushu. Yuuji lives a life of crime—alcohol, parties, fake popularity. Being friends with someone who’s gay means giving up that lifestyle for fear of being lynched.

Gakushu leaps forward, kicking his leg straight at the man’s head. The man’s head whips to the side, and he falls down, unconscious.

Yuuji is staring at him with wide, awed eyes. 

Others are staring at him too now. They need to leave, now. The girls come running towards him, seeing the commotion starting up. Yada uses the man as a distraction, telling the guard that he’s overdosed. The guard leaves his post, letting the rest of E class enter the stairway.

“Next time we meet, I hope you’ve sorted out your life. Being honest with yourself and doing what you love is way cooler, and far more impressive than drugs and alcohol.”

“Asano-kun—“ Yuuji stares. “You’re not what I expected you to be at all.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Gakushu flashes a grin at the boy, before turning away.

He runs up the stairs where the rest of his classmates are.

“You got us through a dangerous area. Did you have any trouble?” Koro-ball asks them.

“Umm.” Gakushu hesitates.

“Not even.” Kataoka talks over him, winking. 

Gakushu smiles, and keeps moving forward. He hopes that some of his words got through to Yuuji. But if not, he knows the boy will figure out his life eventually.

Gakushu has come so far from the arrogant self-centered boy he used to be, he knows Yuuji can change too.  
————

The next few floors are cleared in the same manner. But then, after Terasaka helps take down one of the guards, they find something in their pockets.

Guns.

Real guns.

Gakushu’s father has a box of them kept locked in his office. He lets Gakushu practice with them on the weekends. It’s rather smart of him to keep them locked up though. Gakushu doesn’t think he’d be able to handle the temptation of putting one against his temple and pulling the trigger.

He’s considered it. He hates to admit that he’s considered it, but during his darkest moments, he’s thought about it extensively.

And then Koro-sensei tells Chiba, Hayami, and Gakushu to take them.

Holding one in his hand feels heavier than it should be. The weight of what this gun means is overwhelming.

“You’re the best shooters we’ve got. Karasuma-sensei isn’t well enough to shoot yet.”

He sees Chiba and Hayami looking just as overwhelmed as he is, for different reasons.

He sees fear of failure reflected in their eyes.

Gakushu recognizes the look he sees in the own mirror. But unlike them, he’s confident he can stay on target. He’s been practicing for a few years.

As long as he’s above water, he can keep his hands steady enough to shoot straight ahead.

Or at least he thinks he can. He doesn’t want to find out.

But he has a feeling he’ll have to, soon enough.

————-  
He’s right.

The next assassin—Gastro— is fucking insane.

They hide behind the seats, but the psycho with the gun can name exactly how many of them there are. It makes all of them sweat.

Gakushu steadies his breath, and presses himself against the back of the seat. He glances over at Chiba and Hayami, who nod. 

Gakushu peeks through the gap between the seat, and then fires.

The bullet knocks the gun right out of the man’s hands. 

He looks shocked.

But he quickly picks the gun right out of the air.

“You brats are more dangerous than I thought, it seems. Trained as assassins, hmm.”

Then he threatens to kill them, and then Gakushu feels his heart race. He knows this man will go through with them.

Gakushu feels more than hears the gunshot that comes whizzing through the gap between the seats.

It whizzes past his ear, clipping off a strand of his hair.

Gakushu feels terror grip him.

His breathing goes shallow.

A gunshot.

Close enough to touch his hair.

He almost died.

Gakushu feels the panic rise to the point where he completely shuts down. 

None of this is happening to him. It feels like it’s happening to someone else entirely. Eventually, he’ll have to face these emotions, but for now, he’ll embrace the dissociation. He can’t have a panic attack in the middle of a life or death battle, so he lets himself shut down.

Disconnect from his body.

“I never forget the location of an enemy who has fired a shot at me.” Gastro says. “You won’t be able to take a single step from where you are.”

The words don’t quite register in Gakushu’s mind, and when they do, he doesn’t quite feel anything, though he vaguely knows he should be feeling something.

“Asano-kun! Continue to remain on standby.” Koro-sensei’s voice booms at him. He continues to shout out commands to the rest of them, telling them all which locations to move to, in order to confuse Gastro. They weave through the seats, catching Gastro’s blind spots. Gakushu can see Gastro slowly grow more flustered.

“Alright. It’s about time for your assault, Chiba and Hayami. Fire at your own will. After that, Asano, you will follow suit. Your objective is to seal the enemy’s movements.”

Gakushu hears the words, but still from a distance. He understands what he’s supposed to do, but his arms and legs feel disconnected from him. 

“However, before that, I have some advice for you three emotionless workaholics. You three are incredibly nervous right now, aren’t you?”

Those words break through him. Gakushu feels the fog surrounding him clear up, and the words register clearly to his ears. He starts to feel conscious of his racing heart and panicking thoughts.

Emotionless workaholics. He’s had those words directed at him before. But never to other people.

Chiba and Hayami are like him in a way, aren’t they.

He’s not the only one who feels this afraid. Who feels this unbearable pressure in their chest.

“After your missed shots, you’ve all developed doubts in your abilities. You three never complain or give excuses. I’m sure people have begun to rely on you, expecting you to be able to handle anything and everything.”

Gakushu feels those words cut into him like a knife.

“Even if you were distressed, I’m sure you would never let anyone know.”

Gakushu sees himself in elementary school, hiding bruises underneath his sleeves while helping his classmates with homework. He sees himself standing, giving his valedictorian speech with a fake smile, a hoarse voice, and makeup covering the bruises on his throat.

He sees himself the first time around, bowing his head to 3-E and requesting for them to assassinate his father’s educational philosophy

None of them knew just how hard it was for him to bow his head like that. How much he’d suffered to drive him to the point where that was the only option left.

Because Gakushu hated asking for help, and Koro-sensei knows that.

“But it’s alright. There's no need for you three to embrace this pressure on your own.” Gakushu startles. Isn’t this what Akabane was trying to get at earlier this night?

“If you three miss, we can just shuffle the guns and everyone here. And then change to a strategy where anyone from the class can shoot. Everyone here has experienced training and failure, so they are all capable of carrying out this strategy. By your side, you have your fellow companions. So be at ease, and pull the trigger.”

Gakushu finds himself blinking away tears. He didn’t know how much he needed to hear that until he did.

He’s been so afraid that if he fails, it’ll mean death for them.

But that’s not the case. 

Koro-sensei would never let any of them die.

He’d forgotten that.

It happens in a flash. First, Sugaya’s dummy confuses Gastro, and Chiba and Hayami use the distraction to shoot down the light fixtures.

Then Gakushu takes a deep breath, aims and fires at Gastro’s gun. 

This time, he shoots at an angle that makes it impossible for Gastro to pick it back up fast enough.

They did it.

They won.

Gakushu sighs in relief as the rest of the class jumps in and ties Gastro up.

Chiba and Hayami are smiling at each other, and Gakushu joins them, rubbing away his tears.

Even though they finished a life or death shoot out, Gakushu doesn’t feel any worse than he usually does.

That’s probably not a good thing, but he’ll take whatever small blessings he gets.

————-  
No way—is that—Takaoka?

Gakushu feels himself freeze. He’s not the only one.

They’ve just made it to the top floor, but they did not expect Takaoka to be the one to show up.

The man is glaring right at him and Nagisa.

It’s been so long that he’s nearly forgotten, but now that day flashes clearly in his head. How he tried to play nice with Takaoka until the point he tried to hit Kanzaki.

How Gakushu stepped in front of her, took her hit. 

How that ruined Takaoka’s educational philosophy.

That should be Gakushu’s nickname by now. The Wrecker of Education Philosophies, Gakushu thinks to himself, hysterically.

Him and Nagisa were the ones to take him down and terrify him.

That was his whole game all along, wasn’t it.

But he’s threatening to destroy all of the antidotes. To kill half the students in their class.

This isn’t a game anymore. It’s dead serious. Takaoka is drowning in so much shame and insecurity that he’s reached the point of no return.

“Hey, shrimp.” Takaoka gestures at Nagisa, “Come up here to the top of the heliport. This is a rematch.”

“What about Asano?” Kayano asks, confused, “Both him and Nagisa fought you last time.”

Takaoka grits his teeth, “Apparently the Principal’s son is too high profile for me to hurt. All of the good assassins balked when I ordered them to kidnap you separately. Something about how they aren’t allowed to lay a finger on an Asano, unless it’s the one named Emeline, in which case it’s a free for all.”

Gakushu’s eyes widen. 

Emeline is his mother’s name.

“What’s going on?” Gakushu asks, confused, “What do you mean?”

“You don’t know? It looks like your daddy dearest is involved in the underground somehow. I bet he’s a criminal.”

Gakushu stares. He doesn’t think his Father would go that far, would he? 

Karma looks like he’s thinking really hard.

“We’ll talk about this later, Asano. I know for sure your father isn’t a criminal. It’s more complicated than that.” Karasuma says, quietly, just for Gakushu’s ears.

It relieves Gakushu just a little bit.

His father isn’t a criminal, but there’s something strange going on.

But for now, he has to watch Nagisa suffer.

It’s brutal. 

Takaoka makes Nagisa get on his knees and apologize. It’s sickening the way Nagisa complies immediately, with that distant, glazed look in his eyes.

It’s like he’s far away.

Gakushu knows for certain that there’s no other kid in this class other than him and Nagisa that can drop to their knees and beg that quickly.

Because that’s how abused kids respond—how they fawn. Begging and pleasing, submitting so easily.

That’s the only reason why Nagisa can let himself have his head stepped on without flinching. He’s not really there. He’s completely shut off. 

Dissociated.

Then Takaoka stands up.

Did he find Nagisa’s apology satisfactory? Gakushu has a bad feeling. Men like Takaoka never find apologies satisfactory. They want more suffering than just that.

He’s proven right when Takaoka explodes the case of antidotes.

Gakushu flinches at the explosion, panic building in his chest.

The antidotes—they’re gone.

Everyone’s going to die.

Hazama is going to die—

“I’ll kill you.” Gakushu is startled out of his panic when Nagisa speaks up. Nagisa’s eyes are pure bloodlust. Anger and pain drip from his every pore. 

No. Nagisa, don’t do this—

“How could you.” Nagisa gasps out, holding his knife tight. His head is angled right at Takaoka.

Then Terasaka steps up and shouts at Nagisa, calming him down. Cooling his head.

Gakushu sees the desperation slowly leave Nagisa’s eyes as he accepts a stun gun instead of his knife.

“Do it, Nagisa. Beat his ass just shy of killing him.” Terasaka gasps out.

Nagisa pulls off his hoodie, revealing his tight tank top.

Gakushu knows Nagisa is insecure about his body, and the fact that he’s willing to bare himself in this way just to win a fight shows him just how serious this is.

But it doesn’t go well. Despite his determination, Nagisa just isn’t strong enough. Terasaka destroys him.

It’s horrifying. Takaoka punches, kicks, and throws Nagisa around like a rag doll.

But the worst part is the look in Nagisa’s eyes as he’s being beaten. It’s like he’s used to it.

People only look like that when they’re accustomed to violence.

It’s the way he gets back up like there's no other option. It’s the way he bows his head, trying to make himself a smaller target than he already is.

Then Takaoka knees Nagisa between the legs, expecting him to collapse. All the males in the class wince in sympathy.

But nothing happens. Nagisa doesn’t collapse. Doesn’t move. 

He’s not in any pain at all. 

Gakushu’s eyes widen.

So do Takaoka’s. 

“That should have made any boy collapse. Unless you aren’t a boy.” Takaoka drives his knee even harder into Nagisa’s groin, “You’re a girl, aren’t you. Disgusting. I’ve been bested by a middle school girl, after all this time? How could this be?”

Takaoka throws Nagisa to the floor.

The rest of the class stares in confusion. Then the whispers start. 

“Nagisa’s a girl?”

“I mean, I’m not surprised. But why didn’t he tell us?”

“Wait, what is he? Is he—she— just a lesbian or something?”

Nagisa’s face is red, and his eyes are shining with tears. His determination is gone.

Gakushu’s the only one who knows what’s going on. He needs to step in.

“Get back up, Nagisa.” He shouts out. Nagisa looks up at him, meeting his eyes. “You know what you have to do, finish it. It’s none of his business what’s in your pants, and it’s not ours either. It doesn’t change anything.”

Those last few words were pointed at the rest of the class, who were whispering. Some of them look apologetic.

“Yeah, Nagisa. You’ve got this.” Kayano is the first one to get it together and cheer him on.

Others join in. 

“Do it—destroy him— make him eat his words. You can do it!”

Nagisa slowly gets to his feet, and holds his head high. He charges, but Takaoka snatches the knife right out of Nagisa’s hands.

“Just get lost. I’m not going to waste my time beating up a little female bitch.” Takaoka spits at him.

Nagisa does something unexpected. He looks right back up at Takaoka and says, “Then this little female bitch is going to beat up you.”

“But he doesn’t have a knife, Takaoka took it away—“ Someone mutters.

Gakushu smirks though.

Nagisa bends down, and rolls up his pants, revealing a knife holster. It’s the one Gakushu gave him for his birthday, since Nagisa had just turned 15 a few weeks ago. Since Akabane and Gakushu each had one, he figured Nagisa should get one too.

The knife is striped pink, blue and white.

“Those are the colors of the trans pride flag.” Kataoka notices. “He’s transgender then?”

He sees most of the kids in class come to the realization.

“Thanks for this knife, Gakushu. Though I didn’t think I’d be putting it into use so soon.” 

“Wait, Asano? You gave him the knife? Then you knew?” Kayano asks. The other students turn to him.

“Yeah, I did. He told me a while ago.” 

Akabane looks a little taken aback.

But before Gakushu could figure out why he looks that way, Nagisa steps forward.

“It’s the same as before.”

“He’s smiling while walking.”

“No. It’s different from before.” Koro-Sensei comments, surprised.

Then Nagisa drops the knife, and claps. He stuns Takaoka with a smile.

“Thank you very much, Takaoka-sensei. This was probably the most badass way to come out as transgender. Couldn’t have done it without you.”

The class explodes, as Takaoka collapses.

“Please don’t crowd him with questions, guys.” Gakushu shouts at them, when his classmates look a bit too curious for his liking. “He doesn’t owe you any answers.” 

Luckily, they understand, and back off a little. They still pat Nagisa on the back and congratulate him for the fight.

But quickly, they remember their pressing issue.

The antidote.

Then a voice interrupts them.

“Hmph. You guys don’t need no antidote.” 

It’s the three assassins they’d just defeated. The man who called him pastel—Smog, the flamboyant dangerous one who Akabane defeated—Grip, and the gun expert that Gakushu, Chiba, and Hayami took down—Gastro.

Gakushu is immediately on alert.

“You think you’d all leave here alive?”  
——-

Karasuma doesn’t trust these assassins as far as he can throw them, but his experience as a soldier tells him that this is the best he can get.

Most people don’t know the reality of war. The reality is that sometimes, both sides don’t want to actually fight.

Sometimes, a group of soldiers might meet another group of soldiers from the opposing side. And both sides just come to an agreement not to fight that day.

And they just move past each other, acting like they haven’t met.

Because neither side wants violence. Neither side wants unnecessary bloodshed.

This seems like one of those situations where they can both come to an agreement, so he does. He still watches carefully. The assassins explain themselves, and how the virus isn’t actually dangerous.

He accepts the pills handed out, though he’d be sure to test them first.

He watches as one of the assassins—Grip— approaches Karma. It’s the one Karma fought.

“You don’t want revenge, old man-nu?” Karma teases, “Don’t you hate me enough to kill me?”

“I can’t explain how much I want to kill you, but I’ve never killed on a personal grudge before. That’s something you’re starting to pick up on too, aren’t you, Karma of the Black Devils.” Grip pats Karma hair affectionately. “I’ve heard of you. I know you’ve heard of me too. That’s why you attacked me, isn’t it? But fear not, I’ll wait until the day someone sends out a request to kill you. So become a person worth targeting, not just a stupid middle school boy caught up in a Yakuza fight he doesn’t believe in.”

Karma stares up at Grip with something akin to respect.

That’s when Karasuma notices the similarities between the two. There’s a lot more than it seems at a first glance. The excess power. The thirst for a good fight—not just violence for the sake of violence but violence only against a good enemy. Right down to the flamboyant nature of their clothing—all leather pants and wallet chains.

And Karasuma can see that the words have actually reached Karma in a way very few adults can reach him.

All he can hope is that it’s enough to change Karma from the path he’s walking down.  
—————-  
Gakushu is also being approached by a pro-assassin .

The one who poisoned their drinks— Smog.

“You, there. Pastel.” Smog, approaches him nearly silently. He’s not as obnoxious and unique looking as the other two assassins. Smog is actually normal looking. Subtler.

Gakushu is still on edge, though, “That’s not my name, you know.”

“I know.” Smog says, insufferably, “You were the first one to notice me. And you didn’t even recognize me from before like Kappa-girl. You instinctively knew I was dangerous.” 

“I wasn’t sure. It could have been a false alarm.” Gakushu mutters. It’s true that he sees danger in places where there is none. He’s gotten used to toning down his fear.

“You have PTSD.” Smog says, quietly. “You think everything is dangerous, so you can’t tell when things actually are, am I right?”

Gakushu flinches back as if struck.

“It’s alright. I’ve seen a lot of PTSD cases in my career field. Hell, there’s not a single assassin out there who doesn’t have it. Except for the Reaper, maybe.” Smog shrugs, “But your mental state doesn’t have to hold you back, you know. It can empower you if you let it, and work with it instead of fighting it and suppressing it.”

“What are you getting at?” Gakushu asks, feeling pressure building in his chest.

“You know what I’m getting at. I know Lovro offered you his business card. He doesn’t offer them to just anybody, you know.” Smog smiles at him gently, gentler than he’s seen an Assassin ever smile, “We aren’t pushing you towards assasination, despite what it seems. We just want you to know that there’s room if you ever decide to join. You’ve already got one foot in the door.”

Then Smog, Gastro, and Grip all leave in a helicopter.

“There you have it kiddies! If you want to meet us again, become a person worth killing.”

Akabane and Gakushu are left behind, more lost in thought than they were when they got here in the first place.

They both have a lot to think about.


	15. I Let the Waves Crash Down

As soon as they all make it back to the hotel rooms, they crash. Even Gakushu manages to fall asleep for a while. But soon enough, he wakes up covered in cold sweat, heart racing. He can’t remember the nightmare, but he knows he had one.

He can’t fall asleep now, as on edge as he is. He exits the room, instead heading out towards the beach. He takes a seat, feet sinking into the soft sand. The sun is already starting to rise, but he doubts the rest of the kids will be awake for another couple of hours.

It’s just him, the sand, and the rhythmic tide of the sea.

He sits there for several minutes, watching the sun start to creep up past the horizon. It’s certainly strange having all this time to sit here and think. Gakushu usually tries not to let himself think. Despite the immense pressure and stress it takes to manage his schedule, it’s probably the only reason he’s been able to cope as well as he has been—if you ignore the occasional suicide attempt. 

So he thinks. He recalls everything that’s happened to him so far. It’s been quite the journey, hasn’t it? 

Memories flash through his head.

_Standing on the edge of the bridge—-“I’m so sorry—“_

_Tutoring Tsuchiya—_

_Handing Isogai his flyer in front of the entire school at the assembly—_

_“You’ve always wanted to know the secret of E class, haven’t you? Well, now you get to know it, because you’re joining them.”_

_Akabane becoming his friend in the most obnoxious way possible—“That’s just how Karma makes friends. He insults them and then barges in on them without permission.”_

_Nagisa punching Okajima for him—_

_The basketball game he coached—finally grieving over Ikeda—_

_Ren confronting him—-_

_And then the midterms. The fight against Akabane. Meeting Lovro, getting the strange card, his father’s strange reaction._

_The suicide attempt he couldn’t bring himself to follow through on._

It all brings him here.

Alone on the beach to sort through his mess of a life.

“It’s a bit too early in the morning for an existential crisis, isn’t it, Ace-kun?” Gakushu snaps his head around, looking at Akabane. 

The redhead is yawning, his hair tousled from sleep. Akabane sits down in the sand next to Gakushu, rubbing his eyes.

“Ace? I haven’t heard that nickname in a while.” Gakushu says, dryly, watching Akabane. 

The main campus kids used to call him the Ace, specifically the 1st years who tended to idolize him. But ever since he came to E class, he hasn’t been called that in forever.

“Well, I’m tired of calling you Asano. So Ace-kun it is.” Akabane grins.

Gakushu pinches the bridge of his nose, “Please don’t. It’s annoying enough when the 1st years do it.”

Maybe he shouldn’t have said that. He forgot that Akabane— the prankster—lives to annoy people.

“So, Ace-kun.” Akabane says, extra loud, “I got out of bed approximately 5 hours before I wanted to, just to catch you alone. So talk to me. What’s on your mind?”

The soft glow of the rising sun tints Akabane’s face pink and orange. His red hair shines like copper, and his eyes glimmer.

Gakushu stares. 

He always thought Akabane’s eyes were like sunsets, but actually, they look more like a rising sun than a setting one.

“I’m flattered.” Akabane deadpans, “Really, that’s what was on your mind?”

That’s when Gakushu realizes he’s said it out loud.

His face burns, and he looks away. 

Akabane laughs.

“It’s fine, Ace-kun. We’re both very sleep deprived right now. But, if we’re describing each other’s eyes, then I’ll say that I used to think your eyes were like an onion, but now I realize they’re like a galaxy.”

Gakushu blinks.

“An onion,” he says, indignantly, “I suppose they are both purple, but seriously? That’s the first thing that comes to mind?”

“It wasn’t just the color.” Akabane mindlessly runs his fingers through the sand, “It was the layers too. I thought you had so many layers that hide up the real you. But I guess I realized that’s not quite true.”

Akabane pulls his hands out of the sand, and wipes them off, “Your eyes are like a galaxy. There’s nothing that’s really being hidden. It’s just that there’s so much to you that most people can never see all of it. No one ever sees the whole truth of Asano Gakushu, they see fragments of it, but no one has ever gotten close enough to see it all.”

Gakushu is stunned. He’s always known that Akabane tends to be really smart with analyzing people, but it still surprises him when he talks all deep like this.

But—

“I’m guessing you want to be the person to get close enough and find out everything about me?” He asks, a bit tightly.

Akabane shakes his head, “Of course not. I just want to know a little bit more about you. Just another fragment. Another puzzle piece to add to my image of you. And I know you’re curious about me too. So I’ll do the same.” Akabane looks at him, and smiles a bit, “I don’t like talking about myself and you don’t like talking about yourself. I get it. But we can’t move forward if we don’t try, and I think we both know that.” 

They stare at each other for a long time.

Gakushu can’t look away.

“I know.” He says, softly, thoughts and fears running through his head. There’s part of him that screams NO NO NO. Talking to people—really talking to people— is bad. He can’t do this.

But he’s Asano Gakushu. He can do anything he wants. If Akabane is willing to do this, then Gakushu can’t back down now. Not after promising that they’d talk.

So he takes a deep breath, composing himself, “Let’s make it fair then. You get to ask me one question, about anything. And I get to do the same. And we answer honestly, no matter what it might be about.”

“Anything?” Akabane repeats, “Are you sure about that?”

Gakushu hesitates, but nods, “Anything.”

“Then tell me, how did you drown?” Akabane asks, and Gakushu freezes. “You told me when you were afraid of water that you had a bad experience of drowning. But I’ve seen you at swimming lessons before in gym class the last two years. You were far too good at swimming back then to drown. So whatever happened must have happened in the last year. So tell me, what happened.”

Gakushu stares at his hands, heart pounding against his ribs.

What is he going to say?

He can’t tell him the truth—but he promised.

“I can’t tell you the whole truth but I can tell you most of it,” Gakushu says, at last. Akabane nods for him to go ahead, but Gakushu is trembling.

Why is this so hard?

He takes several minutes, but he does it.

He opens his mouth, and forces the painful words out through his tears.

“5 months ago, I jumped off a bridge over the lake.”

* * *

There’s silence between them for a long moment, and all Gakushu can hear is the sound of his own heart pounding against the back of his neck.

Gakushu is too afraid to even look at Akabane. He’s so tense, and his body is screaming at him to flee, run away. He can’t believe he just admitted it.

Thinking it in his head was one thing, but hearing those words leave his lips and knowing that Akabane heard them—

He wants to leave.

Akabane shifts in the sand, turning more towards Gakushu. 

“Ace-kun, hey, look at me.” Akabane says, and Gakushu reluctantly meets his eyes. Akabane’s smile is far too forced, but it’s reassuring nonetheless, “I know I suck at this comforting stuff, so I won’t bother trying. But I don’t see you any differently. To be honest, I expected something like that. I knew it wasn’t a pretty picture right from the start, so I’m not surprised.”

Gakushu is stunned. But truth is painted all across Akabane’s face. He’s not lying.

“And you better not try to do it again, alright? Who’s going to compete against me if you’re gone? We both know I’m stronger than you are, but you’re still a good opponent even if you can never quite reach my brilliance.” Akabane smiles a little.

Gakushu finds himself smiling back, all teeth, “You? Stronger than me? In your dreams, Akabane.” 

Akabane and him bicker for a few more minutes, and the weight of what was just spoken between them lightens up, just a little bit.

After a while, though, they fall silent again. And that’s when Gakushu poses his question. The important one that’s been on the back of his mind for weeks now.

“What connection do you have with the Yakuza?”

Akabane doesn’t look surprised, more like he just expected it.

“It’s a long story, but I’ll summarize it for you.” Akabane sighs.

It is a long story. Akabane has been a part of a color gang called the Black Devils ever since he was 10. They fought other color gangs, but it never got serious, since most of them were young. 

But then the tension started to rise as they all got older. Before, their gangs weren’t involved with the Yakuza, who stayed out of the affairs of petty children. But then drugs got added to the mix, Akabane made the mistake of beating up one of the Yakuza affiliated gang members, and things got heated really fast. Akabane ended up being targeted by the Yakuza.

“Your father was there.” Akabane says, shocking Gakushu, “He was the one who put a stop to the fight and bailed me out. Said he’d been watching the situation or something like that.” 

Gakushu tries to figure out what that could mean, but fails. His father was watching the situation? Why would he be involved with the Yakuza anyways? 

“The Principal is strange. He’s involved in some suspicious stuff and yet I don’t think he’s a criminal. He told me to stay out of the gang business from then on.”

“Do you?” Gakushu asks, thinking over what he’s just heard. 

“ I try, but—” Akabane looks down, sighing, “I still get into fights sometimes. I think it’s just not something I can ever stop doing. I get so angry sometimes and seek people out to fight.” 

“You know, you can always fight me. Or anyone in our class. Even Karasuma-sensei, if you want to challenge yourself.” Gakushu suggests, but Akabane shakes his head.

“I don’t want any of you to see that violent part of me.” Akabane says, his words heavy with emotion.

“We’ve seen Nagisa with his bloodlust, and we’ve all accepted him nonetheless. I don’t think any of us will see you any differently.”

Akabane bites his lip, staring off into the distance.

“I suppose, I could think about it.” Akabane says, at last.

“Don’t think too hard though. You might hurt yourself.” Gakushu teases, and Akabane cracks a smile.

He thinks things between them will be just fine.

The two of them sit together under the sunrise.

Lost in thought.

They both have a lot to think about. But at least, they aren’t doing it alone anymore.

* * *

Soon, the other students start to wake up, and the two of them are forced to head back inside.

But as he stands up, dusting off the sand on his jeans, one thing is still unclear to him.

The one thing about Akabane that he’s unsure on.

The whole grades ordeal that instigated their fight a while back, at the start of summer—why is Akabane hesitant to study? It’s clearly a sensitive topic, and so Gakushu will drop it for now. But it still lingers in the back of his mind, as he joins the other students in welcoming Korosensei back to his normal form.

“Test of courage?”

Gakushu stares at Korosensei, confused.

“I will take the role of the ghosts. I’ll be sure to move around with my clones since it’s been a while. Of course, if you want to kill me while we do that, you’re free to. That would be the perfect ending to the assassination trip, wouldn’t it?”

Gakushu isn’t too sure about it. He has a feeling that Korosensei is just a little bit too excited about this. 

He’s proven right. Korosensei is clearly trying to start some sort of romance between them. 

Akabane is paired with Okuda, Kayano is with Nagisa, and Gakushu is paired with...Kataoka?

Right before they head into the tunnel though, Nagisa runs up to Gakushu.

“Hey, Gakushu, do you want to switch with me?” Nagisa asks. His eyes shine with mischief, and a little bit of something else. 

“Sure.” Gakushu doesn’t really understand what’s happening, but he plays along.

“Wait what—“ Kayano and Kataoka complain as Nagisa and Gakushu head into the cave together, leaving Kayano and Kataoka to pair up. 

“Kayano told me she had a crush on Kataoka just a while ago.” Nagisa says, as explanation. “And since Kataoka came out as bi, now she actually has a chance.”

Gakushu thinks about it, and yeah, he can definitely see the two of them being a good couple. 

“And since Korosensei can’t pair up any of the queer kids, you had to do it for him.” Gakushu nods, “That was smart of you.”

The Koro-sensei ghosts aren’t scary, but they startle him anyways. 

“You alright?” Nagisa whispers to him, as they hold their flashlights in front of them in the dark cave.

“I’m alright.” Gakushu says, as his eyes dart around, scanning for danger he knows isn’t there. “Just a bit jumpy, as always. What about you? Did Okajima and his gang give you any trouble after coming out?”

Nagisa smiles his usual innocent smile, “I think they’re too afraid of me to try.”

But there’s something a little sad underneath the smile.

“Is there something else bothering you, Nagisa?”

Nagisa looks away, “I really do like Kayano. Part of the reason why I pushed her towards Kataoka is because it’s physically painful for me to be alone with her in such a romantic way when I know she isn’t interested in me.”

Gakushu winces in sympathy.

“I won’t pretend to understand what you’re going through, but I know that must be hard.” Gakushu grips his flashlight harder, “But it’s just reality, isn’t it. Most of the time, the person you like isn’t going to like you back. I’ve had crushes on straight boys enough times to realize that I’d be better off not getting crushes at all, with how useless crushes are.” 

Nagisa stops. 

Gakushu blinks. Was it something he said?

“So you’re just not letting yourself like anyone because you’re afraid they won’t like you back?” Nagisa asks, slowly.

“I’m not afraid, I know they won’t.” Gakushu says, matter of fact. “I liked my lab partner in 6th grade, told him I liked him, he never talked to me again. I confessed to my 7th grade crush, the vice-president of the soccer team, and he just laughed and told me ‘nice one, Asano. Who put you up to this?’ 8th grade, I crushed on Ren for a while, then decided to just ignore my feelings until they went away.”

Gakushu keeps walking, and after a moment, Nagisa follows.

“So here I am in 9th grade, not feeling anything for anyone because I don’t have the time to deal with something as stupid as a middle school crush.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Gakushu. I mean, I get it, the unrequited love part sucks. It hurts. But you shouldn’t ignore it. You might miss out on opportunities.”

Gakushu laughs bitterly, “Opportunities? The boys in this class are all straight, and half of them hate my guts. It’s not like anyone will like me back.”

“You know, for someone so smart, you can be a bit slow on the uptake sometimes, Gakushu.” Nagisa says, looking a bit disappointed.

Gakushu doesn’t get it. 

“Let’s go ahead and leave the cave.” He changes the subject, “I think Korosensei is just about finished.”

They’re immediately distracted by Koro-sensei admitting that he was pairing them together.

And then Jelavic-sensei and Karasuma-sensei both exit the cave. Jelavic-sensei is wrapped around Karasuma-sensei’s arm, and both of them bicker. Karasuma-sensei eventually peels his arm away from Jelavic-sensei.

All of a sudden, everyone in the class is planning on helping Jelavic-sensei get together with Karasuma-sensei.

Gakushu doesn’t really care about his teacher’s love lives, but he doesn’t see why everyone’s pushing Jelavic-sensei to go after Karasuma-sensei.

“Isn’t there something off about this?” Gakushu points out, “Karasuma-sensei clearly doesn’t like her that way. He doesn’t seem very interested in her.”

“But he doesn’t understand. He’s just really dense,” Nakamura explains, “He doesn’t understand that Jelavic-sensei likes him. All we’re going to do is help her confess to him. Whatever happens after that is between the two of them as adults.”

Gakushu watches as they try to figure out how to seduce Karasuma-sensei and how to dress up Jelavic-sensei.

“What’s Karasuma-sensei’s type, anyways?”

He rolls his eyes a little as they talk about how Karasuma-sensei’s ideal type is a muscular girl built for battle. The more they talk about him, the more Gakushu doubts that Karasuma-sensei is interested in women at all. He has the same disinterest for Jelavic-sensei’s body that Gakushu has, after all. 

“I’m starting to think Karasuma-sensei’s the problem here.” Someone says. 

Gakushu sighs. This is such a waste of time. He just wants to go to sleep already.

He’s forced to help set up a fancy dinner with the boys, while the girls help Jelavic-sensei get dressed up.

He watches as Karasuma-sensei and Jelavic-sensei have dinner together. It seems to be going well.

At the end, Jelavic-sensei gives Karasuma-sensei an indirect kiss through her napkin.

“I like you Karasuma. Goodnight.”

That’s when Karasuma’s eyes widen with realization. Good god, did the man just realize Jelavic-sensei is interested in him. Gakushu assumed he was just disinterested in her but didn’t want to be rude. 

But he genuinely didn’t know.

“Wait, Irina. What do you mean, you like me?”

Jelavic-sensei looks just as confused as Karasuma-sensei.

“You know, romantically?” She says, as if stating the obvious.

“But why would you like me romantically when you barely know me?” Karasuma-sensei asks.

“Because that’s how romance works you dense idiot.” Jelavic-sensei turns red.

“I don’t get it? What doesn’t Karasuma understand?” Kataoka asks from besides him. The other students are muttering as well.

“I’m afraid we have a misunderstanding, Irina. I’m Asexual. I don’t feel any attraction for anyone and am not interested in the type of relationship you’re probably looking for.” Karasuma-sensei says, apologetically.

Jelavic-sensei stares heatedly at Karasuma-sensei for a moment before turning away. Her eyes are filled with tears.

“I see.” Is all she says, as she storms past them.

The students explode.

“Asexual? What even is that?”

“I don’t get it? What’s wrong with Karasuma-sensei?”

“Isn’t that really lonely to not be able to fall in love?”

Gakushu is also a bit surprised but he shakes it off quickly. He straightens to his full height and tries to get order over everyone.

“Everyone, quiet down. First off, Asexuality means a lack of attraction to any gender. No, it’s not something that can be fixed, nor should it be. There’s nothing wrong with being asexual. And it doesn’t mean he can’t fall in love.” Gakushu pauses.

Karasuma seems demi-romantic to him, especially with the ‘Why would you like me romantically when you barely know me’ comment.

“And he clearly said that he’s just not interested in the type of relationship Bitch-sensei would be interested in, which is most likely sexual or overtly romantic.” Nagisa adds.

The class goes silent as they process their words. He’s pretty sure half of them don’t quite understand it yet. 

“So it could still work then? Bitch-sensei just has to give up having sex with him and then they could be together?” Someone suggests.

“Eww, I don’t want to think about our teacher’s sex lives.” Kayano cringes. 

“I agree. I think we should stay out of their business.” Gakushu says, firmly. “Karasuma-sensei said he’s not interested, if he changes his mind, that’s up to him. And besides, Jelavic-sensei shouldn’t have to settle for a relationship that doesn’t work for her either.”

“Right.” Kataoka says, backing him up, “And please, for god’s sake, don’t question Karasuma-sensei about being Asexual. We know he doesn’t like having his personal life talked about, and frankly, none of us should have been listening to this conversation anyways.”

And so, the romantic events of the day come to an end on that bitter note. 

They head back home to enjoy the last few days of the summer break. Things are tense between Jelavic-sensei and Karasuma-sensei on the ship ride back.

Akabane and Gakushu, however, are much more comfortable around each other now. Maybe it’s their meeting by the beach side under the sunrise, or the conversations they had, but the tension between them has lessened significantly.

Lessened, but not gone. Of course, there’s never going to be a day without tension between the two of them. Not in this lifetime, not in Gakushu’s first lifetime.

“No way, that policy just has so many flaws—“ Gakushu argues, as they scroll through the news of the new bill passed in the government.

“Well I don’t see how the subsidization isn’t without any flaws, Ace-kun.”

“You—“

“Can you guys not talk politics, please.” Nagisa rolls his eyes, “For people with a literally identical political stance, you two sure can argue a lot.”

“Our political stance is not literally identical, it’s almost identical. There are huge differences.” Gakushu says, indignantly.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re geniuses. Now can we talk about something us average intellect folk can understand.” Kayano drawls, “What are you going to do the last three days? I think I’ll go check out that new pudding shop at the mall.”

“Video games and sleep” Akabane says, immediately.

“Catching up on my studies.” Gakushu says, blandly, ignoring the muttered _like you were ever behind._

“I’m going to meet up with my father.” Nagisa says, excitedly. “We’re getting dinner together.”

“That’s nice.” Gakushu comments, but his cheerfulness is forced.

Kayano and Akabane chime in with similar comments.

“What’s wrong?” Nagisa asks them, “You all seem a bit...down.”

“Did I sound down? Sorry, I’m truly happy for you...it’s just, I don’t live with my parents, I live in my own apartment, so I was just feeling a bit jealous. My father hasn’t had dinner with me in a while.” Kayano smiles, sadly.

“I haven’t seen my father in over a year. My parents aren’t around much.” Akabane shrugs. “So same, I haven’t had dinner with my father in about 5 years.”

Gakushu looks away, feeling uncomfortable with the eyes that fall on him now.

He eats dinner with his father all the time, so he really has no right to complain. It’s just—he remembers being slapped at the kitchen table. Being shoved, punched and shouted at. All at that dinner table. 

Blood drips down his face, staining the perfectly white kitchen floor. His father stands over him—-

It’s miserable. 

And he doesn’t think he can explain to these kids who have fathers that are truly distant what it’s like to have one who’s so close to him but so far away at the same time.

He can’t explain that he has dinner with his father everyday, and yet it’s lonely.

“I have nothing to share.” He shrugs, before changing the subject.

* * *

Soon after he gets home, Gakushu’s father smiles at him, benevolently.

“Hello, Asano-kun. I heard your assassination attempt failed. Again.”

Gakushu tenses. The first thing he hears when he walks through the doors is this? What kind of greeting is this? He has so many things to ask his father—namely, his connection to the criminal underworld—but he doesn’t even get a chance to bring it up now.

“We can learn from our failure and try again next time.” Gakushu says, shortly, and tries to move past his father. His father stops him with a hand to his shoulder.

“You don’t appear to be nearly as torn up over your failure as you should be. Is this how I raised you to behave?” 

Gakushu clenches his jaw.

“I’ve been considering transferring you back to A class, but perhaps I won’t now. With that defeatist attitude you’re starting to grow, maybe E class is the right place for you.”

“That’s not true.” Gakushu spins around, “We aren’t defeatist.”

Or at least, the rest of 3-E isn’t. Gakushu isn’t too sure about himself.

“You don’t sound too sure of yourself there.” His father picks up on his hesitance, “Maybe I’ll choose Takebayashi-kun instead, to transfer to A class. He had the highest midterm score after you.”

Gakushu feels himself go cold. Something bitter burns through him. A cruel emotion, one that he hates the most.

Jealousy.

“You always take the highest ranking student though.” Gakushu says, a bit childishly. It’s not like he actually wants to go back to A class, but—

The way his father is looking down at him like he’s nothing to him makes his heart clench.

(Gakushu vaguely is aware that his father is manipulating him—the man has always had a sharp tongue—but in the heat of the moment, it doesn’t seem to matter to him.)

“Of course, I will select you as well, but you’ll have to do something in exchange for it.” His father pulls out a speech—no—not that speech—“All you have to do is give this speech at the end of the assembly.”

Gakushu hesitates—

“If not you, then I’ll make Takebayashi-kun present it. I really don't care which one of you does it. It’s all the same to me.” His father shrugs.

Gakushu’s chest feels like there’s a blade in it. And his father is twisting the knife.

“No, I’ll do it.” Gakushu finds himself saying, despite the voice in his head screaming at him to refuse. 

His father smiles, a look of approval flashing over his face, “Good. I knew you’d agree.”

Gakushu feels sick to his stomach at those words. God, what is he doing. He shouldn’t be betraying his class like this.

Was this how Takebayshi felt last year?

No wonder the boy broke the Principal’s award to get back to 3-E. This feeling of guilt is suffocating. 

And yet, he feels like he has to do it. Betraying his class is worth it if his father finally acknowledges at him. Treats him like more than just a stranger.

He hates the part of him that’s constantly searching for approval from a man who’s hurt him the most.

But if Gakushu had learnt to kill that part of him by now, he wouldn’t be in this position in the first place.


	16. Sensual Politics

Gakushu stays up all night thinking about his decision.

Going back to A class is actually a bit exciting. It means that he gets a full return to all of his roles. Student Council President. His tutoring position. Managing the sports teams.

He can’t deny that he does miss part of his role as the Ace. The perfect student.

The looks of admiration and the respect.

There wouldn’t be a person in the entire world who isn’t drawn in by that. 

But he’ll miss E class. He’ll miss his new friends, the assasination training, the warm environment. 

The next day, when Gakushu is practicing his guitar at home, Korosensei shows up outside his window holding a sign.

A festival—? 

Gakushu wonders if he should go. He’s still behind on his studies, but—

He’s leaving E class. This will be the last chance he’ll get to spend time with them as a class. So he decides to go anyways.

He doesn’t want to leave on a bad note.

Most of his friends are there, and Takebayashi is with them too. 

“Come on, Ace-kun. Let’s go wreck some people’s careers.” Akabane drags him over to a string lottery booth.

“You know it’s probably a scam, don’t you.” Gakushu points out.

Akabane grins, “I know. We just need to prove it now.”

Half an hour later, they have calculated the probability that they just happened to not get the string after spending 5000 yen on the lottery. It’s less than 0.05 percent.

After the man tries to placate them by giving them back their money, Gakushu just tells him to keep the money and then drags Akabane away.

“Hey, what did you do that for?” Akabane whines, “I wasn’t done hassling him.”

“You proved your point, I think we can let him go now. And besides, we’re both rich. It’s a bit cruel to try to continue to harass him for his dishonesty.” Gakushu says, thinking about Isogai from last year, in that cafe. Not his finest moment, “Let’s go play something else. I think Nagisa’s in that booth over there.”

They play a few more games, but Takebayashi approaches Gakushu at some point.

“Excuse me, Asano-kun. Can I have a word with you?” Takebayashi shifts nervously. Gakushu has a bad feeling about this. 

“Sure. Give us a moment, guys.” Gakushu waves off his friends, and approaches Takebayashi. 

“Your father told me not to tell you, Asano-kun, but I thought it would be cruel not to. You’re not the only one transferring to A class.” Takebayashi confesses.

Gakushu feels like he’s been punched.

His father was lying to him? To manipulate him into going back to A class?

“Are you alright, Asano?” Takebayashi asks, “I don’t know what’s going on with you and your father but I understand what it’s like to have to constantly try to impress one’s parents. I’m sure this must be painful for you too.”

Gakushu blinks back his tears. God, he’s getting so emotional lately. What’s wrong with him?

Gakushu forces a smile, “No, it’s fine. So what if the Principal is transferring you as well? It doesn’t bother me. It’s not like I expect special treatment as his son.” Those words come out bitter, and Gakushu’s nails dig into his palms.

“I don’t see why you’re transferring, anyways. You’re really good at the assassination training, and you’re a big help to everyone. Not like me.” Takebayshi says, his voice tight.

Gakushu can immediately tell that there’s some deeper stuff going on behind those words, but doesn’t press the issue. He doesn’t know Takebayashi well enough to offer any advice on something that personal.

“Every member of the team plays a role, even you Takebayshi.” Gakushu says, though he can tell it’s not getting through to him. 

Gakushu sighs, “I hope you find whatever you’re looking for in A class. But if you’re trying to impress your family, it’s not worth it. I promise you that.” 

He pauses.

If you’re trying to impress your family, it’s not worth it.

(Funny how Gakushu can give advice but can’t apply it to himself.)

Takebayshi just looks away.

“I’m going to go inform Koro-sensei. Are you coming?” Takebayshi asks, and Gakushu is silent for a long time.

His father completely manipulated him. He’ll bet he planned on having Gakushu give his speech first, and then would announce that Takebayshi was joining as well after. So Gakushu would have been trapped, forced to stay in A class after insulting and isolating himself from E class.

He knows because that’s definitely something his father would do. But it was cruel, even for him. It’s that Gakushu’s upset at being forced back into A class—no, Gakushu honestly doesn’t mind either one. A class and E class are equally as appealing to him, really.

It’s because his father is using him like his puppet, isolating him from his friends, tearing apart his carefully built relationships.

First brainwashing the Virtuosos. Then trying to make him give this speech.

Gakushu has had it.

He refuses to play the part of the pawn any longer. 

“No thank you. I’ll be heading back.” Gakushu declines, and Takebayshi nods, respecting his choice.

“And be careful touching the Principal’s awards, Takebayshi. I heard a student broke the Principal’s awards and got sent to E class.” He shouts out.

He won’t be there to give him that advice this time. Got to keep the timeline as stable as possible. 

Sometimes Gakushu forgets he’s even a time traveler until the tiny details like this. 

He continues to questioning his decision as he heads back down the festival. Maybe he should go back to A class anyways? His father would be pleased—but no, he doesn’t want to please his father—but he does—fuck he doesn’t know.

He’s lost in thought, and doesn’t notice when a group of girls run into him.

“Oops sorry.” A girl smirks, pushing back her blonde hair. “Whoa. You have really pretty eyes, you know.” The girl stares at his eyes.

Gakushu forces himself to smile despite his unease, “No problem. And thank you. I’ll have to be going now though—“

He tries to move past her, but feels her grip his wrist. He tenses.

“Hey come on. The girls and I are going to get something to drink before the fireworks. Come with us.”

“Thank you, but I have friends to catch up to.” Gakushu pulls his wrist away.

“Okay geez, you’re a bit dense so I’ll spell it out to you. I think you’re cute, let's go on a date—“

Gakushu sighs. Another one of these. He’s had a lot of girls ask him out like this. He’s learnt pretty quickly that being blunt is the best approach when it comes to rejecting strangers.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not interested.” He says, firmly, pushing past her. 

And comes face to face with his least favorite group of people.

“Hey.” Okajima complains, “Why were you so rude to her. Did you look at those tits—Oh wait, I forgot. You’re a fag.” He spits out the last word. Muramatsu and Yoshida are with him, snickering along with him.

Great. Now he has to deal with this too, on top of everything else going on.

“Yes I am. Glad we’ve come to an agreement. Now leave me alone.” Gakushu walks around them.

Okajima grabs his shoulder. Gakushu stiffens.

“I don’t understand your type of people. You’re not a real man if you don’t appreciate a woman.” Okajima says, bitingly.

“I do appreciate them. Just not in the same way you ogle them.” Gakushu snarks, “I really don’t have the patience for this today, but I’m tired of you glaring at me from across the room, pointing and snickering at me during lunch. If you have a problem with me, then fucking say it. Right here. Right now.”

Gakushu points towards a back alley. He doesn’t want them fighting out in the open. The boys follow him into the alley, where they stand on opposite sides of it.

“I don’t have a problem with you being—gay.” Muramatsu says, “I just wish you didn’t shove it down our throats. Stop constantly flaunting it and crap.” Muramatsu says, looking disturbed.

“In case you’ve forgotten, I brought up my sexuality exactly twice in this class. Once when we were discussing crushes and someone jokingly asked if I was gay. The second time was when I saved all of our asses by infiltrating the party at the Okinawa.”

They fall silent, unable to argue with that.

“But you’re always acting so gay. Always staring at Karasuma-Sensei ,” Gakushu feels his ears turn pink—Karasuma-sensei was attractive, sue him. Anyone with eyes could see that, “And flirting with Akabane.”

Gakushu turns even more pink.

He does not flirt.

“A lot of the girls stare at Karasuma-sensei too, you don’t seem to have a problem with that. And Akabane is straight. I would never flirt with a straight boy.” He leans in closer to the boys, “Since you seem to be very worried about that, I will repeat. I am not going to flirt with you, I am not attracted to you. I do not stare at you in the changing rooms. So if you’re afraid of me, it’s probably because of something other than _my_ sexuality.”

“What? How dare you—“

The three boys try to swing at Gakushu at the same time—fuck they’re good. They’ve actually improved a lot by the end of the semester.

Gakushu struggles to dodge three fists at the same time, and is just barely able to avoid being hit. He deflects their punches, but trips on a bottle cap. He stumbles, bracing himself against the wall. Fighting in the back alleys is harder than he thought.

“Say what you want, but I think your actions are disgusting.” Okajima scowls, stepping forward, trapping Gakushu against the wall, “You’re just wrong. No one’s going to ever love you, and in fact, why don’t you go and kill yourself, faggot? You’ll be doing us all a favor.”

Gakushu freezes. His eyes are wide.

“Shut up, Okajima!”

Gakushu turns his head, not noticing that a bunch of the 3-E students had joined them. Kayano’s cheeks are flushed with anger, glaring down at Okajima. Akabane, Nagisa, Isogai and Maehara are there as well.

“Why would you say that Okajima?” Maehara yells.

Gakushu is still pale, a bit shaken from those words.

_Go kill yourself—_

“Hey, Ace-kun. You alright? We noticed you heading into the alley and came after you.” Akabane says, lowering his voice. He’s the only one who knows what those words mean to Gakushu, “Don’t listen to the bastard.”

“I know.” But the thought still lingers in his mind. Suicidal thoughts don’t just disappear, they come and go in waves. And Okajima telling him to kill him self, well—-it brings back that familiar voice in his head. 

“No really, you better not listen to him. He’s very wrong. Especially about the no one is ever going to love you part.” Akabane says, perhaps reading the uncertainty on Gakushu’s face.

Before Gakushu could figure out what that means, though, Isogai steps forward, breaking up a fight that’s about to start between Maehara and Muramatsu. A shouting match between Kayano and Yoshida is escalating. Nagisa is glaring down Okajima, and that’s terrifying enough on it’s own.

He doesn’t know how things escalated so quickly, but there’s a lot of heated words and emotions being thrown about here. He steps in, carefully pulling Kayano and Nagisa away.

“They aren’t worth it. Let’s leave.” Gakushu says, and they all glare at each other for a moment before they reluctantly separate, heading back towards the main streets.

“Tell us if he tries to bully you again, Asano.” Maehara tells him.

“Yeah, we know you can take them down, obviously.” Isogai smiles kindly, “But you shouldn’t have to deal with them alone. Us queer kids need to stand up for each ohter.” Isogai winks at Gakushu, who is surprised, but grins back.

Maehara looks shocked, “Wait, Isogai—you’re—?”

“Yeah, I was meaning to tell you today, Maehara. I’m gay.” Isogai says it calmly, but watches Maehara’s reaction carefully. He’s clearly nervous.

Maehara looks a bit uncomfortable for a moment, “Oh. I see. That’s—” Then his face twists, “I’m sorry, just excuse me for a minute—“

Maehara walks away, and Isogai’s smile falls.

“That went well.” Isogai laughs, bitterly, and he runs his fingers through his hair, “Fucking hell. He’s literally catholic, what did I expect. He has the most conservative family ever.” Gakushu is a bit surprised to see him curse, but it’s understandable.

“Give him time.” Gakushu says, placing a hand on Isogai’s shoulder, “It took Ren a while to get used to it too. He was a bit homophobic until I came out, but now he’s supportive. So don’t feel too down. Just wait.”

Isogai smiles a little, “Thanks Gakushu, that helps a bit. It’s just—“ Isogai stares longingly after Maehara’s retreating figure. “—nevermind, it’s nothing.”

Overall, the festival ends with disappointment. The fireworks are too loud, making Gakushu’s heart pound and his fingers tremble. He quickly puts in the earbuds he’s started carrying around in his pocket everywhere. 

Still, it’s not very fun, knowing that Takebayshi is leaving, Isogai and Maehara are avoiding each other.

They all head home a bit upset. Which puts him in a very bad mental state to be confronting his father.

“You lied to me.” Gakushu says, the minute he enters the house, “Takebayshi told me everything at the festival.”

His father goes stiff.

“I see. That was a miscalculation. However, I don’t remember giving you permission to go to a festival in the first place. You were supposed to stay home and study.”

“So what are you going to do? Hit me to distract yourself from your mistake? Go ahead then.” Gakushu snarls. He knows he’s being insolent, but the anger under his skin is reaching its boiling point.

“Don’t be silly. I only transferred you to E class because I thought it would fix up your attitude. I didn’t expect that octopus to only encourage it. He’s undoing everything I’ve ever taught you. Look at you. Becoming impulsive. Emotional—“

“I think that’s called puberty, father.” Gakushu says, sarcastically. “I don’t care if I move to E class or A class. Either way, I’m done being your pawn.”

“Strong words for a brat who can’t get results.” His father says, coldly.

“We’ve made advances at killing the octopus. I got first place on the finals. What more results do you want from me?” 

“More. You can always do more. Actually assassinate the target instead of making advances. Get perfect scores, not 3 points off. Learn another language. You want to know my secrets? Try to find them. Want to stop being my pawn? Then checkmate me.”

Gakushu feels the slightest bit insecure, being reminded of how far out of reach his father’s level is from him.

His father has a point. He does need to learn more skills and get better—but—

“You’re far too young to understand some things, Asano-kun. When you’re older, you’ll be glad.” His father smiles condescendingly. 

It makes Gakushu’s anger resurface.

“I doubt it. If I grow up to be anything like you, I would kill myself already.” Gakushu says, satisfied with the way his father’s smile fades at those words, “When I’m older, the first thing I’m going to do is get the hell out of this house. I’ll leave you forever. Funny, right, how everyone you ever loved ends up leaving you.” Gakushu’s words are crueler than ever before. He knows that.

Once again, he wants to break his father down the way his father breaks him down.

(He takes the hit with a grin, but he’s screaming on the inside.)

* * *

As he’s covering the bruise on his jaw with makeup the next morning, Gakushu has the strangest thought pass through his head.

What if he just let the bruise stay out there in the open. What if he told people the truth when they asked—

No. What is he thinking. It would just lead to uncomfortable questions, and despite the cruel words he launched at his father, he doesn’t want his father getting in trouble. 

He loves his father, and he hates himself all the more for it.

(And voice in his head reminds him that it was Gakushu’s fault his father had to hit him in the first place. He shouldn’t have provoked him.)

So he hides the bruise with years of experience.

Maybe one day he’d let someone know, but for now, he’ll lie and say he fell during soccer.

* * *

“Give it up, Nagisa. Parents chains bind you to an extremely painful place and they don’t let go.” Kanzaki tells Nagisa as they watch Takebayshi walk away. They’ve just been through the assembly, confronting Takebayshi on his choice.

But Kanzaki’s words hit Gakushu where it hurts.

It’s true. Parents chains are complex. They tie you down and lift you up and the hardest part is when both happen at the same time. There’s no true answer to undoing those chains, is there? 

But Gakushu looks at his friends, watching after Takebayshi. 

Koro-sensei keeps advising Takebayshi, never abandoning him even after Takebayshi abandoned them.

He has a feeling that even if he ever opens up about the chains that suffocate him, they would try to help him.

But the chains wrap around his mouth, muffling his voice.

He doesn’t think he could tell them, sadly.

(Because it’s all Gakushu’s fault, it’s always been his fault.)

————

Takebayshi smashes the award again and comes back to 3-E. His father is just as furious as he was last year, if not more.

“The students were starting to question the hierarchy after your little stunt the 1st assembly. Takebayashi’s defiance threatens to overthrow it entirely.” His father shifts his eyes to Gakushu, “You were the one to tell Takebayashi to break the trophy, weren’t you.”

Gakushu stiffens, “I didn’t.”

“There’s no one else who could have told him and you didn’t look very surprised at all when it happened.”

Gakushu can’t exactly explain that the reason he wasn’t surprised was because he’s a time traveler. 

“So what if I did?” He says defiantly. “What are you going to do about it? Hit me?”

HIs father’s face twitches. 

“You know I only hit you because I need to. If you do what you’re supposed to, I wouldn’t have to.” His father puts a hand on Gakushu’s shoulder, smiling at him. There’s an edge in his eyes though.

Gakushu’s breath hitches at how close his father is. And, well, his father isn’t wrong. It is Gakushu’s fault for talking back, defying his father. If he was good, he wouldn’t be treated this way, right? 

(There’s a small, logical part of him that reminds him that the things his father thinks are “Good” aren’t always morally right. Poisoning 3-E’s food comes to mind.)

But standing here in close proximity of his father’s dangerous aura, Gakushu doesn’t think logically.

His insecurities get the better of him as his father continues to berate him.

God, his father’s right. He shouldn’t be this defiant, his father wants best for him, he should just comply.

He should just listen.

So what if everyone else hates him for it? As long as his father can look at him with pride, he’d do anything.

Right?

His father tells him to come back to 3-A and help reassert order over 3-E. 

“You were the one who started breaking down the hierarchy, you’re responsible for building it back up.”

Gakushu listens to all the plans his father has for him, and feels sick to his stomach.

But his father looks at him with those sharp eyes that he can pin him open and poke at his every insecurity.

And Gakushu swallows his hesitance and fixes on a smile, “I suppose 3-A has a much more steady and professional environment. I wouldn’t mind going back.”

(It’s so much easier to give in and let someone tell you how to think, than to try to be constantly resisting.)


	17. The Frail Will Fall Below

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Homophobia, and slurs.

At the end of the next day of class, after Korosensei heads off to Fiji to get some sparkling water, Gakushu stands up to make an announcement.

“I just wanted to let you all know that I’ll be transferring back to A class in Takebayshi’s place. Korosensei already approved the transfer this morning, so we won’t be seeing each other anymore. I wish you luck on your assassination.” Gakushu says politely.

The classroom explodes.

“Transfer?” Kayano exclaims. “Why do you want to transfer? I thought you liked it here.”

“Yeah, didn’t you say something along the lines of, ‘I’m not leaving E class until I get a perfect score’? What happened to that?” Akabane asks, narrowed eyes. 

“Things change.” Gakushu says, tightly, as he zips up his backpack, “I have to leave now for soccer practice. I’ll see you all later.” 

“Hold up, Asano.” Maehara calls after him, “Is this because of what happened at the festival? Because you don’t need to worry about that happening again.” He tries to lower his voice, but he’s still too loud.

Now the rest of the class has heard him.

“What happened at the festival?” Kataoka asks.

“Okajima bullied Asano and told him to kill himself.” Kayano whispers to her. Or she probably thinks she’s whispering. But she said it too loud, and now everyone heard it—Gakushu’s heart pounds, and he looks away, embarrassed as the class turns to stare at him. 

Okajima looks away too.

“What the hell?” Fuwa turns to Okajima, “Did you actually?”

“If I did? Who’s going to stop me? It’s a free country, I can say what I want to.” Okajima says, defensively, “It was just a comment, if he can’t deal with that then maybe he should go back to A class. It’s not like anyone wants him here anyways.”

Gakushu feels like he’s been punched. 

He stares at Okajima, his chest twisting painfully. He’s vaguely aware of Akabane trying to get his attention, Hazama threatening to curse Okajima—but those 8 words continue to echo in his head.

_It’s not like anyone wants him here anyways._

His breath quickens, and he pulls on his backpack, and walks out the door, ignoring the voices calling after him.

He’s going to A class, and he’ll be safe from comments like those. Other than Ren, no one on the main campus knows his sexuality, so no one will harass him for it. 

His father was right. A class is where he belongs. On the top. So far away from everyone else below him that no one can hurt him.

No one.

* * *

Gakushu has to admit, he expected to come back to A class and have things go back to how they were before.

But Ren pulls him aside before he enters, a nervous expression on his face, “I need to warn you, some people are still upset with you, Gakushu. I’m glad you’re back, but are you really sure this is where you want to be?”

Gakushu’s eyebrows furrow, “What are you talking about, Ren?”

“Araki, Koyama and Seo are still under the impression that you’ve been corrupted by 3-E. They’re willing to give you a chance, but only if you go back to how you used to be.”

Gakushu has a bad feeling, “Which means…”

“Crushing 3-E.”

For a long moment, Gakushu is silent. Ren watches him carefully.

“I suppose, if that’s what I have to do to stay on the top, I’ll do it.” Gakushu says, emotionlessly, before stepping past Ren.

Ren stops him.

“Wait up, Gakushu—it’s just, that doesn’t sound like you. You have friends in 3-E right? I know you’re not the kind of person to betray your friends like that.”

“Well maybe I am. I am that kind of person. Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think, Ren.”

“Gakushu—you sound—did something happen?” His eyes are filled with concern, and it makes Gakushu hurt inside.

“Nothing happened.” He lies, and enters the classroom.

Gakushu looks out at all his classmates, who turn their heads to look at him.

He can do this. He just needs to get them on his side again. 

So he makes an improvised speech about how he’s sorry for being gone so long but he’s back, he’ll lead them to success against E class, and he throws in the usual ‘We’re A class, we’re better than everyone else’ which usually satisfies everyone.

And for a while, he almost deludes himself into thinking it worked.

But it’s one thing to declare that he’ll defeat E class, and another to be forced to listen to their personal insults against his friends.

During lunch, he’s forced to tolerate their comments.

“It’s about time you came back. I was worried those E class delinquents would start to rub off on you Asano.” Seo says, laughing.

“Yeah, I’ve heard about that blue haired girl who thinks she’s a boy. I hope you didn’t get too close to her, Asano. It might be contagious.” A girl says, looking at Gakushu appraisingly.

Gakushu tenses. Don’t respond, don’t respond. But he feels horrible for sitting here and letting them mock Nagisa. The shy boy who stood up for him, punched Okajima in the face.

He feels the guilt weigh on him as he fakes a smile and nods. 

“And you know that fat girl, how gross. If I looked like her, I think I would kill myself.” Another girl adds.

Gakushu bites his lip, hard. 

Hara’s a nice person, she doesn’t deserve this.

“And that creepy goth girl. She gives me the chills. Heard she’s a satanist.”

“Oh, Hazama? You really hate her don’t you?”

“It’s not like I hate her. I’m just saying that if she gets run over by a truck, I’d be the one driving the truck.”

They laugh, and Gakushu’s had enough. He remembers Hazama, sick and feverish on the floor. He remembers her pressing her necklace into his hands.

She’s the girl who did an entire satanic ritual to try and make him feel better.

He won’t stand by this anymore.

“Everyone, stop. Right now. These kids never did anything to you, stop saying all these horrible things about them.” Gakushu stands up, and the class goes silent.

Then a boy stands up, “News flash, Asano. You don’t have any authority around here anymore. While you were prancing about with E class, we had to struggle on our own.”

Gakushu recoils.

“Remember that promise you made back in 1st year when we elected you as the representative of A class? That you would lead us to victory? Well, where the hell have you been these last few months? You abandoned us for E class. And you’re still defending them. Don’t you see? It’s either us or E class. Pick a side.”

And the rest of the class chimes in, nodding in agreement and Gakushu feels the pressure of their glares boring into his mind.

Ren tries to calm everyone down, but he’s ignored. 

(He never was a very good leader in the first place.)

Gakushu feels sick. His heart races.

He can’t do this. He can’t. His father is going to scold him for failing to take control of his class but he can’t let them insult his friends from E class like this. But he has to—no he’s such a horrible person—Oh god, he’s trapped, what is he going to do, what is he going to do—-

“What are you going to do? Cry? The Great Fearless Leader is going to have a breakdown? Some leader you are.” 

Not a breakdown, it’s a panic attack but fuck—he needs to leave he can’t be here—

“Better leader than you’ll ever be.” Gakushu snaps out, his voice shaky. “I’m a fucking horrible leader, but still a a better leader than any of you lot will ever be, and you know it.” He shouts, clenching his trembling fists.

The class stares at him with wide eyes, clearly shocked and hurt.

The bell rings right at that moment, and Gakushu grabs his backpack and takes off. His breath is still ragged, and tears sting his eyes. He can’t believe that happened. What happened to A class?

(But he knows. He abandoned them for months, he couldn’t expect to just walk back into their lives like nothing happened.)

* * *

“I thought I’ve already taught you the importance of concealing your emotions while being a leader.” His father says, sharply, as he berates Gakushu about what happened in class that day. They’re in the dimly lit office, the emptiness meant to be intimidating.

Gakushu isn’t intimidated. He’s just tired. His panic attacks always leave him exhausted and this one was no exception.

He grits his teeth and nods as his father insults his leadership skills, yes, he knows, he’s a horrible leader, he’s weak, emotional.

He knows all of that. His father really doesn’t need to rub it in.

“I’ve made sure to interview all of the Virtuosos to make sure I got an objective summary of what happened today. So I have a decent understanding of exactly what was said. Your E class friends were insulted, you stood up for them, then someone else stood up in opposition and trapped you in a difficult place. You panicked, and went off on them. Tell, me, out of all of this, what was your biggest mistake.”

“Standing up for my friends?” Gakushu furrows his eyebrows.

“Wrong. Making firm declarations, while not ideal in this case, is not necessarily a mistake. Your mistake was showing them your fear. Panicking. That was your mistake. Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you? Out of all the emotions to show your followers, fear is something you must absolutely never show. People will tear you apart if you show your fear.” His father looks him in the eyes, and Gakushu sees something there that’s painful and raw.

This is a lesson his father has learnt the hard way.

So Gakushu nods, and actually considers those words.

Don’t let them see your fear.

That’s something that’s actually doable.

“I expect you to fix your relationship with your class as soon as possible. I’ll give you one week, get it done.” His father turns away, and dismisses Gakushu.

(He hears the unsaid “or else” that hangs in the air.)

* * *

As he’s walking home, trying to think of ways to get A class back on his side, he hears someone calling his name.

“Asano, wait up.” 

He turns to see a group of E class students. Akabane, Nagisa, Hazama and Isogai. 

He greets them politely with a smile, but on the inside, he sighs.

He really wishes they would leave. 

(He’s just too tired to pretend right now.)

“We just wanted to talk to you, Asano, see how you’re holding up,” Isogai says.

“I appreciate the thought, but I’m a bit busy and I’m sure you are too—“

“Come on, Ace-kun. You know you can’t avoid us forever.” Akabane drawls, crossing his arms.

“Let’s go to the cafe nearby.” Nagisa suggests, “And we can talk there.”

“I really don’t—“

“I’ll buy you black coffee.” Hazama interrupts, eyes glinting.

Gakushu pauses at that. He really could do with some coffee right now. And Akabane has a point. He can’t avoid them forever.

“Fine. It better be some _killer_ coffee though.” He jokes, and they grin at him.

He grins back. He really has missed them.

* * *

All five of them are crammed into a small booth in the side of the coffee shop, and Gakushu is pressed against the window, a warm cup of coffee in his hands.

The warmth is comforting, and the scent relaxes him. There’s a dull chatter in the background, the sounds of the busy cafe helping to drown out their conversation.

“So, Asano. We were wondering why you chose to go back to A class. You avoided our question the other day,” Isogai starts.

Gakushu’s grip on his cup tightens. 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He says, not meeting their eyes.

“I don’t want to pressure you, but maybe if you tell us about it, we can help you.” Nagisa tries.

Gakushu shakes his head. No. They can’t help him. Nobody can help him.

“What makes you think I need help in the first place?” Gakushu forces a smile.

“Your eyes are puffy like you’ve been crying. And Sugino heard from Shindou about what happened today. So we know A class turned on you when you defended us.” Hazama says, dryly.

“You know? Why didn’t you lead with it then?” Gakushu says, a bit taken aback, heart racing. They know—they know how he screwed up today—

“We knew you’d probably panic and leave if we brought it up right away.” Akabane says, with a pointed look.

It’s true, he wouldn’t want to look them in the eyes knowing they know about his breakdown, shouting at his whole class that he’s a better leader than them.

Even now, part of him is panicking.

But he grips his coffee cup tighter and lets the warmth ground him. 

“The Principal,” he says, quietly, “He wanted me to come back to A class to fix the hierarchy. He blamed me for Takebayshi’s rebellion, since I was the one who told him that a student who broke the trophies got put into E class before. So it’s my responsibility to help A class reassert dominance over E class.”

(And he’s really tired of fighting his father, fuck he just wants him to love him again—)

“That’s messed up. You don’t even believe in the whole hierarchy worker ants philosophy.” Nagisa says, bluntly.

“Right. And it’s not something your father should be putting on your shoulders. You’re just a student, you shouldn’t be responsible for something like that.”

“It’s to make me strong.” Gakushu argues, “I’m too emotional. I’m not a good leader right now. I’m weak. This is going to make me better.” But the words sound strained, even to him.

“You can’t really believe that, can you?” Akabane asks, in disbelief.

“And I don’t mind that you’re emotional, or weak sometimes, Gakushu. There’s nothing wrong with that.” Nagisa says, looking him in the eyes.

“Strength isn’t something we can have all the time,” Hazama says, an intense look in her dark eyes, “And sometimes, parents are wrong. You’re a good leader. Everyone can see that. I remember when you coached the girls basketball team. We wouldn’t have won without you.”

That’s—not wrong. Gakushu does remember coaching the girls. But he also remembers falling from that pole, hitting the ground hard. He remembers Kevin and transfer students, and blood. The sound of knuckles meeting flesh.

Bones cracking.

No matter how much he tries, that image will forever be stained in his head. He can never think of his skill as a leader without thinking of that day.

No matter how much he improves as a leader, it’ll never be enough to move on from that traumatic event.

His eyes glaze over for a moment, and he doesn’t realize someone asked him something until Isogai calls his name.

He snaps out of the memory, and sees everyone looking at him with concern, “I’m sorry, did you say something.”

“I just asked if you were alright, you just looked really scared for a second.” Isogai says, carefully.

Gakushu sets down his coffee mug since his fingers are trembling.

“I’ll be fine.” He forces a smile before changing the subject, “Have you come up with any ideas for assassination attempts?”

They talk for a little while longer, before finishing up their drinks and paying.

“I still think you really should come back to E class, Gakushu.” Nagisa tells him at the end, “But you know what? I understand what it’s like to feel unable to stand up to one’s parents. It’s just easier to give in sometimes, isn’t it.” He smiles sadly.

There’s something in Nagisa’s eyes that are too much like his own.

“Nagisa, how are things at home for you?” Gakushu asks, out of concern. Nagisa just shakes his head though, “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

That painful frustration of being unable to help—is this what people feel around him all the time? 

No wonder his friends act the way they do around him sometimes.

He heads home, continuing to worry about Nagisa. He hasn’t seen any bruises, but for all he knows, Nagisa could be just as good at covering them up as he is.

(That’s a depressing thought.)

The next few days of school are a struggle, as Gakushu tries again and again to get his class back on his side. But it’s not just his class who seems upset at him, it’s the entire school who glare at him in the hallway.

He can understand why they’re angry. He knows what his role as the Ace is. He’s the only person who could ever protect his class from the Principal. He’s their leader, and no matter how cold he could be at times, they trusted him to keep them from falling.

But he’s falling too, and there’s no one to help him with that.

“I don’t understand why you’d choose to defend those losers over us.” Someone shouts at him one day, “You know we’re better than them. You told us we were better than them. Those E-Class kids are despicable, and you know it.”

“They are not.”

“Yeah they are. They’ve been spreading all those horrible rumors about you, but we never believed them even for a minute.”

Gakushu has a bad feeling, “Rumors? What rumors?”

“Oh, just some gibberish from Okajima about how you’re a fag. I know, hilarious right?”

Gakushu pales. Ren looks uncomfortable.

He knows it’s not the right place for this, it’s definitely not the right place for this—but looking out at the crowd gathered, he knows what he says is important. Because he can see in the eyes of a couple—not many, not most, but just a few—who try to hide the way they flinch at the word fag.

And he’s not a perfect leader. He’s not a good role model even on his best days.

But he’s the Ace.

And all those kids, those innocent first years and jaded 3rd years— they’re all watching him right now. And they deserve to know he’ll stand by them. 

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay, you know.” He says, calmly, but with more fire in his eyes than he’s been able to muster for a long time, “And those aren’t rumors, those are facts.”

He walks away, his heart racing with terror at some of the disgusted looks he got—-and yet he can’t bring himself to regret it for the few hidden smiles he

* * *

It doesn’t cause a huge difference, not really. People were already glaring at him in the halls, now they just gawk. There are a few slurs, but Gakushu shuts them out and ignores them. 

The Virtuosos look like they want to question him, but are still upset with Gakushu, so they stay silent.

It’s an air of tension that’s familiar. Homophobia combined with already existing frustration towards him is a terrifying combination.

It all comes to a head one day, when he’s climbing down the stairs. It’s crowded, elbows brushing him and backpacks swinging. He’s on alert, the way he always is around crowds. But even in his state of awareness, there’s too many people for him to notice the hand that shoves him from behind.

The floor beneath his feet disappears, and—fuck he’s falling—years of muscle memory help him tuck his head in and protect his skull—

He vaguely hears someone shout.

Painful collision with the cold marble floor. His head feels like he got hit by a truck—or his father on a particularly bad day, same difference—

Everything is vague and hazy as the concussion sets in as a throb at the base of his skull.

“Is he dead—“

“Someone get the principal—“

His memory is shaky after this, but he can see remember some parts of it with vivid clarity—

His father kneeling on the ground, cradling his head in his hands—“Gakushu, keep your eyes open, look at me.”

And he does, and sees those violet eyes reflected back at him, the ones so familiar—they can induce fear—they should induce fear—but right now, those aren’t the eyes of Gakuhou Asano the tormentor. These are the caring, concerned eyes of a parent.

“It’ll be alright, son.” His father strokes his hair gingerly.

For just a moment, with his concussion riddled brain, he confuses this man with the father he had 10 years ago.

* * *

Luckily, his injury isn’t as bad as they thought. He’s prescribed painkillers and rest for his concussion, and the bruises that cover him aren’t anything new, really.

But he’s off balance and weak, and his father has to hold onto him to keep him from falling over.

It makes him feel embarrassed, but his father doesn’t comment on his weakness or dependency. He doesn’t try to shame him into keeping up with schoolwork either.

“Just try to get some rest and we can talk when you’re feeling better.” He speaks softly, and it’s strange to see this side of his father after so long, but he’s so tired, and his head still spins— and he doesn’t think much of it as he drifts off to sleep.

When he awakes though, his father is back to business as usual.

“I’m sure you finally understand now, don’t you Asano-kun. You've seen for yourself exactly why keeping the hierarchy is necessary. it weren’t for your lack of control over the student population, this never would have happened. This all started ever since you started trying to stand up for 3E. But doing so, you relinquished an important power, and now you’re facing the consequences of losing that power.”

Gakushu feels the pounding in his head get worse.

He looks up at his father. He was just pushed off a flight of stairs, and that feeling as his feet left the floor was the worst feeling ever. 

He never wants to feel that sensation of falling ever again.

But his father is using him. It’s because of his father’s fucked up philosophies that someone thought it was okay to shove him down the stairs in the first place.

And he isn’t accepting blame, but instead is turning it on Gakushu. It’s Gakushu’s fault, always his fault.

But he did everything he was supposed to. He tried so hard to fix things with his classmates.

It’s not his fault his classmates are homophobic. It’s not his fault these kids were being taught the mentality of “throw stones at the weak.”

That was all his father, and they both know it.

So a spark of ice cold anger imbeds itself in his chest. 

He’s hurt, tired, and scared. He’s been uprooted from E class, and is hated by A class. His father was nice to him earlier but now is back to being manipulative. 

He can’t do this anymore.

He can’t hold on and hope for things to get better.

He has nothing left.

So in one desperate bid to cope with insurmountable weight on his shoulders, the frustration and pain warring inside of him, he turns to something familiar.

The familiar competition of trying to take his father down.

“You’re right,” Gakushu says, raising his eyes to his father’s, “I need to get that power back.”

* * *

He finds ways to get that power back, but not in the way his father wants him to. Gakushu goes back to tutoring. He starts sports again. He’s ruthless, cold, and efficient. He takes over Student Government.

He does all the things that further distance himself from his true personality and thickens the mask he’s forced to wear.

“ _Don’t let them see your fear.”_

It’s familiar, like an old cardigan that still fits perfectly. He still remembers the best ways to suck up, to flatter. Soon, his sexuality is no longer spoken of, once he plants drugs in the backpacks of the school’s biggest homophobes. They get expelled, unable to prove he planted it.

But the rest of the student body now knows that anyone making fun of Gakushu Asano for being queer will find themselves expelled.

This time, when classmates insult Nagisa, Hazama and the others, he just smiles and tells them, “Do you want to take this outside?”

(It only takes beating up one student for the rest of them to fall in line and stop making fun of E class.)

(And yet, while the cardigan fits perfectly, it’s an ugly shade and outdated. He doesn’t quite feel like acting this way is right—)

Ren is the first one to call him out on it, “You look like you’re suffering, Gakushu, you need to stop.”

“What do you mean?” Gakushu’s smile is strained, “This is what you told me to do. Stand up for my friends, am I right?”

“You’re acting like your father, in order to challenge him. This isn’t the way to do this, and you know it.”

“Well, like father like son, I suppose. Move aside, Ren.”

“No. Gakushu, you can’t keep pushing people away when things get hard. You didn’t talk to me after getting shoved down the stairs, fine. I thought you were talking about it with your E class friends, but you aren’t, are you?”

Ren’s right, Gakushu has been avoiding everyone from E class.

“I don’t want them to see me like this,” He admits, quietly. Cold and ruthless, borderline-psychopathic like his father. He’s nothing like what his E class friends are used to.

He’s known he was only one step away from becoming like his father. 

(More like only one flight of stairs—but close enough.)

Then he shoves past Ren, noticing the other boy stumble, but walking on anyways, not looking back.

* * *

There’s only so much someone can take before they

B r e a k. 


	18. It Feels Like Nothing is Easy (And it will never be)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, I am back from nearly a month long hiatus where I rewrote this chapter 11 fucking times, so I hope you enjoy this! 
> 
> Also, I plan on writing birthday special one shots on December 25th and January 1st for Karma and Gakushuu. Any ideas?

The night is cruel. Moonlight is selective, only shining down on those deemed worthy. Ever since the moon exploded, leaving a shell of the celestial body. 

The night is cruel, because the worst things always seem to happen at night.

If anyone sees a 14 year old boy limping through the streets clutching his ribs, nobody says a thing.

This boy wasn’t deemed worthy for the moonlight.

Gakushu doesn’t think about the events that just passed, there’s no point. It’s only going to hurt more and he’s already hurt enough for his two lifetimes so he’s just going to ignore it.

Streetlights cast shadows on the green railing of the bridge, and the violent churning of the lake below makes Gakushu’s breath hitch.

His fingers dig into the green paint of the railing, and he’s gripping it so hard he can feel the paint chipping under his grip.

The water below is terrifying, and he can already feel the sensation of water choking his lungs. He fights down the rising panic by averting his gaze from the lake, instead pulling out his phone, the soft light illuminating the bruises on his wrist.

He hesitates for a moment, unsure about who to call. 

But then his fingers hit Akabane’s number.

There’s no one else he wants to talk to more than Akabane right now.

“Hello? Asano? Why are you calling this late?”

“Nothing much.” Gakushu lies, “We just haven’t talked much in a while, and I wanted to catch up.”

“Yeah, you’ve been ignoring us these last few days. What’s up with that? I mean, I guess we’re busy with everything that happened with Itona but we haven’t forgotten about you.”

“I know, I just needed some time to myself. I had to fix things in A class.” Gakushu wonders if E class doesn’t know about everything that went down in the main campus. Probably not. Most of the rumors stick to the inside of A class, E class usually doesn’t know much about the ongoings from all the way up there in the mountains.

“And did it work? Did you fix it all?”

Gakushu tenses. 

“I—I don’t know. My father’s mad at me for defending 3-E.” Gakushu’s fingers unconsciously go to his ribs, “I don’t think I’ll be able to keep doing this anymore.”

“You don’t have to, Ace-kun. You don’t need to defend us. We’ll be fine even if everyone hates us.”

Gakushu blinks, taken aback.

“What do you mean I don’t have to? Of course I do.”

“Ace-kun. You sound like you’re about to cry.” Akabane’s voice is soft, “None of us want you to tear yourself apart in the name of trying to help us. Because that’s not really what this is about, is it? It’s about a much larger fight you’re struggling with, and even if you won’t let any of us help, we can all see it weighing you down.”

Gakushu looks down at the lake, and a chill runs down his spine. This conversation really wasn’t meant to go this way. He just really wanted to hear Akabane’s voice one last time before he died. 

“You can’t help me.” He says, putting a hand to his eyes to rub away the tears. 

“Try me.”

And despite himself, Gakushu smiles at the challenge in Akabane’s voice.

“Maybe.” Gakushu answers vaguely, “But for now, tell me more about the transfer student Itona. What happened with him?”

Gakushu rests against the railing for several minutes, laughing along with Akabane’s retelling of the events.

At the end of their call, he hangs up with a grin on his face, and a promise to meet Akabane for coffee tomorrow.

But the grin fades as he stares down at the water, and the churning in his stomach returns.

He’s painfully aware of his heart pounding too fast.

Can he do it?

But as Gakushu tries to make himself move, he’s frozen by sheer terror and a desperate wish not to die.

Akabane’s face flashes in front of his eyes, the promise of coffee tomorrow—despite the pain in his ribs and the bruises on his wrist, he has too much hope right now to truly follow through with his suicide attempt.

So after several long minutes, he turns away from the railing, and walks off the bridge, limping the entire way along.

He’s not quite sure if he’s happy or disappointed that his attempt failed tonight.

He looks up at the sky, and the curve of the moon almost seems to be smiling down at him.

Or frowning. It depends on the way you see it.

As Gakushu starts walking back down the streets, not quite sure where he’s going, his phone starts to buzz.

He pulls it out, eyebrows furrowed.

It’s Nagisa. 

Why would he call him at this hour? Gakushu has a bad feeling as he picks up the call.

“Hey Nagisa. What’s going on?”

“Hi Gakushu.” Nagisa’s voice is hoarse, “I don’t know why I called you really. I just don’t know what else to do—“ he hiccups.

“Hey, hold on. Where are you?”

“I’m at the cafe near Kunugigoaka. It’s alright, you don’t have to come. Stupid of me to call you this late at night anyway.”

“It’s no problem, really. I’m just wandering the streets aimlessly right now anyways.”

Before Nagisa can question him further, Gakushu just tells him he’ll be there in five and hangs up.

By the time Gakushu gets there, he sees Nagisa sitting alone in a booth and—-

Oh.

He’s wearing a blue dress, and has makeup running down his face.

“What happened?” Gakushu asks.

“Me? What happened to you? You’re limping.” Nagisa exclaims.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine.” Gakushu says, firmly. He doesn’t want to talk about this. He pulls off his coat and hands it to Nagisa.

“Here, you look cold.” He says, and Nagisa’s eyes are wide, staring at his arms—

Wait. Gakushu just realizes that his short sleeved shirt he has on under reveals the bruises on his wrist. Part of him wonders if it would be rude to ask for the coat back—but he just bites his tongue and lets Nagisa keep the coat.

They sit in awkward silence for a moment, before Nagisa tears his eyes away from Gakushu’s arms and starts talking.

“My mother forced me to dress up—she started going on about how she was doing it all for my own good. She wants me to get a boyfriend and get married, have kids—-and I couldn’t take it. I ran.” Nagisa’s voice shakes, “I know, it’s stupid of me but she’s in one of her manic episodes right now and I was afraid—-“ Nagisa rubs his eyes and Gakushu chews his lip.

“Maybe you could stay with Akabane for tonight? I would offer you my own house, but...I don’t think that would be a good idea right now.” Gakushu’s smile is forced.

Nagisa shakes his head, “No, It’s alright. I’ll go back home soon, she just needs some time to cool off.’

“Nagisa—“ 

“Really. It’s alright.” Nagisa gives him a tight lipped smile. 

His makeup makes him look like a broken doll.

“What about you, Gakushu? Where are you going tonight?”

Gakushu runs his fingers through his hair, “I don’t know. I suppose I’ll just wander the streets until the sun rises. I’m used to not sleeping.”

“That’s really not a good idea.” Nagisa chides, “But then again, I’m one to talk, huh?”

The waiter comes by and asks them if they’re both okay, and Gakushu lies and says they are. The waiter doesn’t look like he believes them. After all, Gakushu has bruises on his arms and blood on his shirt. Nagisa has clearly been crying. 

“Here, have some tea. You two can stay here as long as you need, alright?” The waiter smiles at them, and there’s a sad expression in his eyes.

“Thank you, sir.” Nagisa speaks up, in a frail voice.

“You sure you don’t want me to call someone, kid?” The man’s eyes scan over Gakushu’s arms and wrists, bruises clearly in the shape of fingers.

“I’m sure, sir. But thank you.” Gakushu says, quietly.

Once the waiter goes away, Nagisa carefully takes a sip of the tea.

“You know, it’s kind of sad that the only people who ever offer to help us are strangers.” Nagisa says, bitterly, “The truth is, no one really cares, do they?”

“I think they do care,” Gakushu says, but he’s uncertain.

“Koro-sensei doesn’t seem to care. He never stepped in when Okajima was bullying you. Even when he told you to kill yourself, he didn’t do a thing.” Nagisa’s fingers grip his teacup harder, “Gakushu, why exactly did you leave E class. You never really told us, even after all this time.”

Gakushu knows Nagisa can see the bruises, the weariness in his eyes.

There’s really no point in lying.

“My father wanted me to. And I guess...it’s just easier sometimes, to listen.”

Nagisa nods, his eyes distant, “Yeah, it’s easier, isn’t it. But does it make you happy?”

Gakushu blinks. 

His own happiness is never really something he considered. It’s always been about survival and being safe. Of keeping his head above the water and staying on top of things.

Happiness. Is that really something that’s important for him?

His hands are still cold, and he has chipped green paint under his fingernails.

The only reason he came back to life was to save Korosensei and his father. Maybe that’s why he’s still miserable.

Because he never truly meant to live again. He never meant to live for himself, and his own happiness.

Maybe Nagisa is right. For once in his life, he should do what makes him happy.

But the price of it—can he take it?

“I’m miserable in A class. I honestly do miss E class. But it’s difficult there. Everyone is so nice, and it’s just—different.”

“Different doesn’t necessarily mean bad. I think despite all the difficulties of being in E class, and having Korosensei for a teacher, it’s a good class. It’s been really good for me, and it probably was for you too.”

And Gakushu thinks about all the progress he made in E class, all the friends. True, genuine friends.

And he wants to go back.

“What if everyone hates me when I come back? I’m not the same person I was when I left.”

“I doubt anyone is the same. This one month has been really rough on all of us too. Trust me, no one will hate you.” Nagisa promises.

And Gakushu bites his lip, a sudden thought occurring to him.

He knows how to force his father to put him back in E class.

It’s a stupid idea, and he honestly shouldn’t even be considering it, but he’s tired, sleep deprived, and this tea doesn’t have nearly enough caffeine.

“Hey Nagisa, do you know if Akabane has spray paint?”

* * *

“I can’t believe you vandalized my school.” His father pinches the bridge of his nose, staring down at Gakushu.

Gakushu shrugs casually.

“What can I say? I had a message that needed to be said.”

The words “Children are not ants” are spray painted on the front of Kunugigoaka in huge block letters, and underneath, it’s signed with —from your student council president.

“Since it’s obvious that I am the culprit, the only logical way to punish me is to send me to E class. Becuase, of course, that’s what you would have done if it was any other student.” Gakushu says airily, “And of course, we can’t have you playing favorites, Mr. Principal.”

His father seethes, but Gakushu has him caught in a corner and they both know it.

“This isn’t over, Asano-kun.”

“Of course not, sir.” Gakushu drawls as he walks away.

(It would have looked a lot cooler if he wasn’t clutching his ribs and limping, but he’ll take what he can get.)

There’s a lot they still have to face, and too much that is being hidden, but for now, Gakushu isn’t going to think about that.

For now, he’s going to let himself enjoy his victory, take in the sunlight beaming down on his skin as he climbs to the top of the mountain.

It feels like he’s never left.

But he did leave, and things are different now, he’s different now, but there’s nothing they can do but more forward.

Gakushu straightens his tie, and fixes his smile.

And then he steps through the doorway, ready to face whatever life is going to throw at him this time.


	19. We Lose Our Minds in a City of Roses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, fellow Asano-stans. I’m back. After another month. I’ve failed most of my midterms, and mental health has been just as rocky as always but here we are! I hope you’re all doing alright. Let’s hope that next semester will be better. Fingers crossed.

Korosensei doesn’t quite seem to know whether to praise Gakushu for the ingenious words painted on the school, or to scold him for his acts of vandalism. So Korosensei ends up going back and forth, praising and scolding him, all while frantically wondering if this is going to result in him getting a pay-cut.

At the end of his panicking though, Korosensei gently pats Gakushu on the head with a tentacle. It’s surprisingly soft, and Gakushu barely feels it.

“Your classmates were ecstatic when they saw the words you wrote on the wall. I doubt they’d ever admit to it, but it meant a lot to them. They might seem a bit upset, but it’s just because it’s been hard on them too, to have you gone. Please be patient with them.” Korosensei says, before having Gakushu enter the class.

Rejoining E-class isn’t exactly a smooth transition. That’s the unfortunate consequence of pushing away all your friends for weeks. You drift apart.

Nobody is rude to him, per say. But there’s a tension between them that wasn’t there before. Especially because there’s a new kid sitting in the back of class, Itona, and Gakushu hadn’t been there when it all went down.

Gakushu’s student council president instincts kick in, so he goes up to Itona to introduce himself. The boy has a strange headband on—Gakushu knows there’s probably a story behind that headband but he missed out on it—and his eyes are less wild than the last time they met.

He looks content. The desperate madness that reminded him of his father is gone.

“Good morning Itona. I haven’t introduced myself yet. I’m Gakushu Asano. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Gakushu holds his hand out.

Itona looks up at him, setting down the tank he’s tinkering with.

“I’ve heard about you. Muramatsu doesn’t like you. He thinks you’re conceited.” Itona says, bluntly.

Gakushu’s hand wavers midair. Itona stares at him a moment longer, and then nods to himself, as if having made an important decision.

“But I think you’re cute.” Instead of shaking his hand, Itona reaches up and pats Gakushu’s head, just like he did the first time they met.

He hears someone choke behind him. Probably Okajima.

Gakushu feels himself turning pink.

What is he supposed to say to that?

Luckily, class starts then, so Gakushu is saved from the embarrassment. 

But Itona’s words still linger in his head.

“I think you’re cute.” 

It’s not that shocking for him to be called cute. He’s heard girls call him that and felt nothing.

He’s never, ever had a boy call him cute. He was beginning to think they never would.

Akabane, Nagisa and him all have lunch together, just like how they used to.

“I’m glad you’re back, Gakushu. It sucked having to deal with Karma on my own. He was a real pain the entire time you were gone. All sulking and being moody.” Nagisa says, only half joking.

“Why Nagisa, why would you wound me like that? And here I thought I was always sulky and moody. I’ll have you know, I pride myself in being a pain all year long.” Akabane feigns hurt, dramatically swooning. His eyes sparkling with mischief.

Gakushu smiles fondly at the sight. Then he proceeds to spar Akabane. It’s been a long time since they had a good fight. 

He finds solace in the steady beat of his heart and the scent of sweat. The familiar thrum of adrenaline rushing through him as Akabane moves in close.

Akabane wins this time, managing to disarm Gakushu.

“I just went easy on you.” Gakushu sniffs, “I didn’t want you to have to strain the few brain cells you have left.” 

“Hey! I take offense to that, Ace-kun.”

As they fall into their familiar banter, Gakushu has the strange realization that out of everything he missed about E class, this was what he missed the most. 

Akabane.

After the initial confrontation, the rest of the day goes pretty smoothly, with Karasuma-sensei training them in free-running. It takes a while for Gakushu to get it down, but after enough practice, he’s just as good as the rest of the class.

“Good work today, Asano.” Karasuma-sensei nods at Gakushu’s progress, “We’re glad to have you back in the class. With your skills, I’m sure you’ll play a vital role in the Assassination.”

That comment is sincere, and especially coming from a man as cold and professional as Karasuma-sensei.

It certainly raises Gakushu’s spirits.

Things at home are tense, and Gakushu is more on edge than usual. But his father doesn’t do anything out of the ordinary, so after checking the lock on his door a third time, Gakushu is able to relax and go to sleep.

(For the few hours of sleep he gets, that is. His schedule is as busy as it ever was.)

One day, when Gakushu is curled up in his desk, half asleep before class starts, he hears Kayano exclaim, “Justice?”

Gakushu rubs his sleepy eyes. What a strange thing to shout at this early in the morning.

“I totally thought it was Masayoshi,” Kayano continues, and that’s when Gakushu gets it. It’s Kimura’s name.

“My parents always smack me and say, ‘how dare you complain about the name we gave you?’ I bet they didn’t even bother to think about how much their kid would be picked on at school.” Kimura says, grimacing.

Gakushu’s teeth clench. He’s suddenly wide awake.

“That’s how parents are. They call me Kirara, even with this face. Do I look like a Kirara?” Hazama makes her scary face, and Kimura winces, “Even though my mother’s head is full of fairy tales, if she doesn’t like something, she immediately gets hysterical and has screaming fits.”

Hazama’s face darkens, “Growing up in a stressful house like that, there’s no way I would grow up to be cute like my name.”

Gakushu wants to reach out to her, because there’s something in her voice that makes him worried, but Akabane interrupts. 

“That must be rough guys, having such weird names,”

Gakushu closes his eyes.  _ Akabane. Not now. Not the time for dramatics. _

“Ah, me? I actually like my name. Sometimes a parents weird sense gets passed down to their kid, right?” Akabane looks rather pleased with himself.

“Oi, Asano. What about you?” Nakamura asks, “Isn’t your name a lot like your father’s?” 

Gakushu really, really does not want to talk about this.

But it would be more suspicious to not, now that he’s been asked.

“My mother chose it, actually.” Gakushu’s fingers instinctively go to his forehead, the scar that lies beneath his bangs, “It was my father’s nickname when he was younger. That’s why he won’t use my name.”

“He won’t...use your name?” Nagisa looks worried.

Gakushu really didn’t mean for that to slip out. 

“It’s complicated.” Gakushu shrugs, rather than explaining the messy history of his father’s past.

“I also have a grievance with people not using my name.” Korosensei adds in dramatically.

He then goes on to talk about how the other teachers won’t use his name.

“Then—hey. How about we call each other by code names instead.” Yada suggests, brightly.

That does sound interesting. All the best assassins have code names too. Gastro, Smog and Grip.

“Let’s do this. Everyone will each write a code name suggestion for the whole group. And I will pull out one at random. That will be your code name for the day.”

At random? That means it’s anonymous. Anything can write anything about a classmate and they’ll have to keep that name.

Gakushu sneaks a glance at Okajima, and tenses.

There are so many ways this can go wrong.

————————-

Gakushu puts his hand in the box filled with cards, and pulls out one.

He goes still as he reads it. 

His nails dig into his palms, hard.

He keeps silent, not wanting to make a scene. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s really not. And everyone else in the class is still a bit distant from him so he doesn’t want to start anything now.

But as Gakushu heads over to the forest with the rest of them, he has to hold back tears as everyone else shows off their code names.

He can’t tell them. He can’t.

But Akabane notices that he hasn’t shared his name with the class.

He peeks over Gakushu’s shoulder as Gakushu stares down at the card bitterly.

“What the hell?” Akabane exclaims, plucking the card from Gakushu’s fingers.

Gakushu tries to take it back.

“Akabane, it’s fine—“

“You know it’s not.”

“Karma, Gakushu, what’s going on?” Nagisa steps towards him, and the rest of the class stops too, at the sound of the commotion.

“Look at this.” Karma shoves the card at Nagisa, and the words are clear even from here.

“ _ Faggot _ .”

“You know what? I’m putting my foot down. This is way too far.” Kataoka takes the notecard from Nagisa, “Everyone, stop. We aren’t going to move on until we figure out who wrote this, and have them apologize.”

Kataoka passes the card around to the whole class, and Gakushu feels his hands tremble from the embarrassment. But there’s a part of him that’s surprised.

He abandoned them for a month, and they’re still defending him.

“When we find the culprit, I’ll summon a demon to make them pay for their sins.” Hazama promises him, as she gently holds onto his trembling hands. He tries to smile at her, but seeing the looks of pity in everyone’s eyes—

He hates this so much. If only he wasn’t gay, he wouldn’t have to go through this. He hates this—

“That’s Muramatsu’s handwriting, isn’t it?” Sugino stares at the words with a twisted expression.

“Muramatsu?” They all turn to look at him, and he looks a bit defensive.

“Hey don’t look at me. This whole code thing was stupid anyway. I didn’t know what else to write for you, and I didn’t think you would actually pick my card. And Okajima was the one who told me to write it.” Muramatsu shrugs. 

Okajima’s face twists with hurt, “What the hell man? You’re going to throw me under the bus like that?”

“You’re the one who’s all hell bent on this stuff anyway. We never cared that much. Just thought it was funny when you harassed him all the time.” Muramatsu says, and strangely, Gakushu actually sympathizes with Okajima. That intense homophobia clearly stems from deeper issues. But Muramatsu...he thinks tormenting Gakushu is funny?

Gakushu’s nails dig into his palms, and his breathing feels a bit funny.

“What did I ever do to you?” Gakushu finds himself saying, his voice shaking with suppressed emotion.

“Do you want a list?” Okajima says, voice thick with sarcasm, “You came to our class. We all know you don’t belong here, you’re too fucking good for the rest of us. You’re only here becuase your father fucking hates you—“

Gakushu can’t help it. He flinches.

Everything seems to blur out for a second, and all he can hear are those words stabbing straight into his lungs.

_ Your father fucking hates you. _

“—and you have all these friends, and you’re super popular, we get it. Everyone loves you. But I don’t.” Okajima spits, “I fucking don’t, okay. 

“Wow, you sound a bit defensive at the end there. You sure you don’t love Asano? Because from where I’m standing that’s what it looks like.” Akabane says, a strange hardness in his eyes.

Gakushu goes pale, “Akabane. Stop—“

“I’m right, aren’t I? You have a crush on him, but you won’t admit it to yourself, so you hate on him instead. You harass him because you hate him for making you feel this way.”

Okajima just stares. His face is white as a sheet, entirely devoid of color.

He stares at Gakushu—and oh. 

Those are tears in his eyes.

“Just—shut up. Fucking shut up Karma!” Okajima shouts, his voice breaking at the end. Because he knows that his secret is out, no one will look at him the same again.

Okajima turns on his heel and flees, running away into the forest, far away from them.

Far away from Gakushu.

“Why did you do that?” Gakushu snaps at Akabane. Gakushu doesn’t feel well—his chest has that familiar tightness and his thoughts race—“You didn’t have to call him out like that, in front of the whole class. That—that was cruel.”

Akabane’s expression wavers, but he still says, “He was being a bully, he deserved it.”

Gakushu’s heart races, and he’s angry, sad, and terrified at the same time. How does he put this in words. How does he explain this with a class full of teenagers watching him, pitying him.

He can’t do this right now.

“I need a minute.” Gakushu forces out, before he takes off running as well. In the opposite direction Okajima went.

He collapses against a tree, sobs and painful breaths tangling together. He knows the pain of unrequited crushes. He knows the backhanded pain of internalized homophobia.

He caused that on someone else by messing with the timeline.

It’s all Gakushu’s fault. If he’d just killed himself, or stayed away from these kids, E class would have so much less tension. He ruined it. He ruined everything.

He feels an intense surge of fear suffocate his lungs. His shoulders tremble as he tries to suck in more air.

“Asano? Are you alright?” A voice speaks, and Gakushu opens his eyes to see Karasuma-sensei kneeling down in the ground in front of him.

Gakushu tries to speak, but he can’t, and all he can manage is a choked whimper.

“Okay, that’s fine.” Karasuma-sensei says gently, and he proceeds to sit there patiently as Gakushu struggles to get oxygen in his lungs.

He can’t tell how much time has passed, but every minute feels like agony, tremors wracking his body.

He hates panic attacks. It feels like he’s drowning underwater and can’t breath no matter how much he tries.

And that only makes him even more afraid, when the irregular breath triggers those memories.

It’s especially worse because Karasuma-sensei is right here besides him, witnessing him being this pathetic.

He doesn’t think Karasuma-sensei will try to hurt him or take advantage of his vulnerable state. Perhaps he thought that at some point, but not anymore. There’s a tentative trust that Gakushu doesn’t have with very many people.

Maybe Gakushu is a fool for trusting him, but he supposes there’s something nice about it nonetheless.

When he’s finally able to breath again, Gakushu is exhausted. He’s sure it shows.

“I’m alright. I’m fine now.” Gakushu wipes the tears out of his eyes with his sleeve.

“The octopus is checking up on Okajima, so you don’t need to worry about him.” Karasuma-sensei says, looking him right in the eyes, “And I apologize for not intervening sooner. I shouldn’t have listened to the damn octopus when he said he had it under control.”

Gakushu blinks, confused, “What?”

“The harassment. That wasn’t okay. Sometimes none of us know how to handle things like this because really, none of us were trained to be teachers. But harassment was something we had the ability to protect you from, and we failed you.”

Gakushu stares down at his hands, letting the words sink in. An apology? He’d expected a lecture maybe for missing training, but an apology?

“It’s alright Karasuma-sensei. Really.” Gakushu looks up with a forced smile, “I’ve been through worse, it doesn’t bother me much.”

That doesn’t seem to reassure Karasuma sensei one bit.

“I see.” There’s a dark look in Karasuma’s eyes, but it disappears so quickly that Gakushu has to wonder if it’s his anxiety playing tricks on him, “Either way, I won’t let it happen again. Not under my watch.”

Gakushu stares with wide eyes. He’s never had a teacher before who actually cared about him as a person. Even Koro-sensei never tried to help Gakushu the way he helped Takebayshi.

He ponders this as he walks home that day, the activity having been cancelled after the incident.

Gakushu is relieved. He really doesn’t think he could have done well anyway, with how drained he is. Besides, he can’t bring himself to face his classmates right now.

He doesn’t sleep well at all that night, despite how tired he is. After turning on a playlist of melancholic songs, Gakushu just stares at his ceiling.

It’s only then that he finally allows himself to acknowledge the things he’s been avoiding all day.

Okajima  _ liked _ him.

He tormented him, sure, but he actually liked him.

And then he ran away into the forest and will probably never speak to Gakushu again.

Is the thought of liking Gakushu that repulsive to Okajima?

Gakushu tugs at his hair, and turns the music up.

The loud screams coming from his earbuds doesn’t quite block out the even louder thoughts ringing in his head.

Is he destined to only be liked by the Okajima’s of the world?

Romance is a stupid thing, his father made it clear to him that it’s a waste of time. And Gakushu usually isn’t the type to think about it that much either, he’s always been far too busy.

But deep down, there’s always been a part of him that longed for that kind of intimate connection. To hold someone’s hand. To be able to trust.

Maybe a year ago, he’d be too afraid to make himself that vulnerable, but now…

Now, Gakushu isn’t afraid of it anymore.

But he is afraid of his father, and what he’ll do if his grades struggle. So Gakushu forces himself to turn off the music, and stop moping about stupid romance. Instead, he reaches for his Geography notes.

If he can’t sleep anyway, he might as well make good use of the time.

The next morning, Gakushu is sleep deprived as always. He fills his thermos to the brim with coffee, knowing he’s going to need it.

In class, Okajima doesn’t meet his eyes. In fact, he looks away when Gakushu walks through the door.

Gakushu forces himself to look away too, and heads to his seat. There’s an awkward moment of tension in the classroom, as the chatter seems to stop as people notice Gakushu.

Korosensei begins class soon, thankfully, and Gakushu loses himself in the familiar rhythm of opening paper and memorizing tedious information.

When it’s time for lunch, Gakushu avoids Akabane and approaches Isogai, Kataoka and Kayano’s little group. Gakushu notices the absence of Maehara, who usually sat with them before.

So they still haven’t resolved the conflict from last month.

“Mind if I join you today?” Gakushu asks, politely.

“Sure, go ahead, Asano.” Kataoka smiles at him, making room.

Eating lunch with them is enjoyable, but Gakushu does miss his usual group. It’s just not the same.

“I’ve been hearing rumors,” Sugino stops by their table to inform them, “Shindou told me about it. The Virtuosos are being rebuilt.”

“Rebuilt?” Gakushu echoes.

“Yeah, they’ve kicked out Sakakibara and replaced him with this other girl.” Sugino explains.

“That’s stupid. Ren has always been the most competent of them all. Why would they kick him out?” Gakushu’s brows furrow.

But before Gakushu can ponder this further, Akabane pulls him aside.

“Asano, I know you’re upset about yesterday so I wanted to apologize.” The words sound awkward coming from Akabane’s mouth, but his eyes are sincere.

Gakushu looks away though.

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to, Akabane.” He says, quietly.

“You can’t mean—why should I apologize to him? He hurt you.” Akabane says, eyes flashing.

“That doesn’t change the fact that you hurt him too.” Gakushu looks towards Okajima, where he’s sitting alone at his desk. 

He looks lonely.

Akabane is silent for the longest time, before he nods.

“If that’s what you want then I’ll do it.”

Akabane apologizing doesn’t change much, but it does resolve the conflict. After that, the two of them go back to sitting together at lunch with Nagisa.

Things aren’t the best, but at least they’re okay.

Or at least that’s what he tells himself.

(Deep down, he knows he’s lying).

Because he’s still a prisoner in his own house. Trapped somewhere where he’s not safe.

And while he can pretend that’s not true during the day, there’s no way he can avoid the truth lying awake at night.

He’s not okay. Because he left part of him behind when he stepped away from that bridge. And part of him, is still stuck there forever, still wondering if he should jump off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you all ready for Karushuu week? I encourage everyone to try and write a fic or draw fanart based off the prompts for 2021.
> 
> These are the prompts btw:
> 
> January 25th: Dreams  
> January 26th: Parents - Siblings  
> January 27th: Ice skating  
> January 28th: Fake dating  
> January 29th: Cat  
> January 30th: Envelopes - love letters  
> January 31st: Assassin

**Author's Note:**

> I have several analysis posts on Tumblr on Asano-centric topics, I recommend you read them if you want to understand this fic better :)
> 
> [Gakushu’s Story Arc Wasn’t Handled With the Seriousness it Deserved](https://slashlgbtqwriter.tumblr.com/post/626662167827070976/gakushu-asanos-story-arc-wasnt-handled-with-the).
> 
> [Why Asano Gakuhou Beating Up Students in Front of Gakushu is Physical Abuse. ](https://slashlgbtqwriter.tumblr.com/post/627183809781268480/why-asano-gakuhou-beating-up-students-in-front-of).
> 
> [ Why Assassination Classroom Failed in its Portrayal of Suicide. ](https://slashlgbtqwriter.tumblr.com/post/627479146194485249/why-assassination-classroom-failed-in-its).
> 
> Also, my fancomic is up!
> 
> [Read Here](https://slashlgbtqwriter.tumblr.com/post/627748653819396096/prologue-for-with-tragic-eyes-and-bloodshot).
> 
> Works Inspired By This One: [ Tribulation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27184480) by Anime_weeb
> 
> Check out my [Twitter](http://https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwjiuOuv6qvuAhUUHM0KHacKAtUQFjABegQIAxAC&url=https%3A%2F%2Ftwitter.com%2FSlytherinkillj_&usg=AOvVaw3-W7w7TZfgy-7Z5MUlgn3E) and my [Tumblr](http://http://slashlgbtqwriter.tumblr.com/)


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